The Coffee Girl

A Day in the Life

2012-01-16T19:53:00.000-06:00

I find myself wasting a lot of time each day. This semester is going to be very busy for me, so I'm curious to see how much time I waste on a day that promises a lot of productivity. By keeping track of everything I do, I hope I'm encouraged to do better (check email less, be constantly working, etc) so I look better. I'm posting my to-do list and comparing it to what I actually get done. My hope is to do this type of post every so often to keep me more on task.

7:20--Woke up. Made coffee with new Keurig adapter. Dealt with the laundry I didn't finish yesterday. And checked my email while the coffee cooled.
7:43--I got the idea of trying this again after Friday's efforts petered out around noon. I have the day off from school, so maybe today will be more successful. I'll be at my apartment all day waiting for my new bag to come in.
7:56--Done checking email. I'll shut off my computer and write up my to-do list for the day.
8:01--Done making my list. It's pretty long. But it's doable and all worth doing, if not downright necessary to do.
8:20--One task (folding laundry) down. Made breakfast. Waiting on laundry to dry. Will continue with lesser tasks until it's done.
8:27--Another task (write thank you note) done. At this rate, I may finish the lesser tasks, go home, and have Zach brings the laundry when he comes over this afternoon.
Then I got dressed, did makeup, packed up. I woke up Zach and told him my plan. Once the dryer went off, I left, which was around 9:45 (the clothes dried faster than I expected).
10:13--Home. Clothes are all put away. The weather is gorgeous outside, so I threw open the windows in my living room. Now I'll work in 90 minute increments on my thesis, library job, and other tasks, while waiting for the UPS man. I wish I had lemons so I could make fresh lemonade. I wore flip flops and a t-shirt to unload my car. I love days like these!
12:10--So far, I've finished two more articles, eaten lunch, and emptied the dishwasher. I believe I'll push through the other two articles because I'd love to finish and they're short. Getting anxious about my bag. I can't wait for it to arrive!
1:00--Finished my last article. Found a lot of useful stuff for my thesis. Debating about my use of authors. Maybe do four, not seven. I don't know; I'll talk to my adviser. Still waiting on the UPS man!
1:20--Zach arrived. I began checking the eBay item I've been bidding on for a friend, who is defending his thesis on Friday. I looked at my resume and sent it to my dad with a question.
1:37--UPS man arrived! I tried to make a joke about having waited on him. It fell flat. Oh, well. My bag is gorgeous and I love it. I'm actually looking forward to going to campus tomorrow.
2:00--Lost the bid. Anyone know where I can get a Muppets Swedish Chef toy by next Monday? Seriously bummed.
2:13--I've updated my resume. I emailed the school-which-must-not-be-named about an appointment to get information about the degree I need. Zach is using my computer to find out about getting U-verse TV and internet at his apartment. I may take a reading break. Or gaze lovingly at my new bag.
2:30--Left with Zach to go to AT&T to get signed up for the TV and internet. Surely this won't take too long...
4:20--Computers. They suck sometimes. The one in the store kept timing out. The guy finally had to call it in and get it set up. Oh, well. I needed the break anyway. On to home and starting supper. Made stuffed green peppers for supper and baked a banana cake from scratch. Feeling like I probably won't get back to work, but that's OK. I got a lot done today.
7:00--Learned that I got a "second chance" to get the Swedish Chef toy I had bid on. Yay! Confirmed with Zach and a friend who said she'd go in on it that the price would be OK to buy immediately. They said fine, so I ordered it. Had a talk with Zach about postponing our coffee date to Starbucks; suggested we stay in tonight and just have a reading date with hot chocolate (I make the best hot chocolate) and he agreed.
7:27--Started typing this post.

The To-Do List:

~~Wait for Bag~~
Do Paul Miller Work
Make Notes on Paper for Meeting with Adviser
~~Work on Resume~~
~~Finish Reading Articles~~
~~Fold Laundry~~
~~Put Away Laundry~~
~~Write Thank You Note~~
~~Put Thank You Notes in Mail~~
Look up New Articles on J-Stor
~~Email School-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named about an Appointment~~
~~Type Blog Post~~

As you can see, I did everything but three things on this list. Unfortunately, they were three kind of major things. I really need to find a better way of fitting in the Paul Miller work. It has to become more of a priority. Period. It's on my list every day and I've only fit it in one day since school started back up. That's for me to figure out, ASAP.

As it is, I think I'm going to sign off, shut down from the outside world, and go have a hot chocolate and reading date with Zach for the next couple of hours before calling it an early night.

Reflection

2012-01-06T08:53:00.000-06:00

I spent a few minutes looking through some of the archives for my blog. Haha. I had to laugh. I feel like I've come a long way since I was 22. And I think that's probably a good thing.

Today feels like a big day. Zach's mom and aunt are coming over for lunch. I am cooking lunch. Tortilla soup and sour cream chicken enchiladas. I've made both of these recipes before and they're really easy. I hope I don't screw up. I'm cleaning my apartment within an inch of its life, but I still wish it could be more--cleaner, nicer, better. The roofers hadn't touched my roof for the past two days. Today, they're back with a vengeance. Maybe they'll be at lunch while we're eating instead of stomping around overhead.

I haven't done a great job with keeping up with my resolutions chart. I think that's because I'm still on vacation and feel like life is in a sort of suspended animation. I'm living. But it's more without purpose because that's what vacation should be. (Especially when you know the horrors that await you once vacation ends. No one is going to be able to convince me that my thesis will be the least bit pleasurable. It won't even be pleasurable once I'm done with the thing because I'll be so sick of it that I'm going to want to burn a copy. Maybe in a few years, I can look back on it with fondness.) School and work start again on Monday. I hit the ground running with work on my thesis and my application for library science school.

Sometimes I worry about not being enough. I worry that I don't read well enough. That all of these amazing books that I've bought are just going to go to waste either sitting on my shelves or when I surface read them. I worry that I'm not really cut out for grad school. That they just let me in to take my money. I worry that I don't do well enough at my job. That I'm missing something. I worry that I will wake up and Zach will just be a fantastic dream that I've been having. That someone that good doesn't really exist, at least not in my world. Anyone else go through that?

But then there are moments when I realize that life isn't perfect. I'm not the only person groping around in the dark hoping to find even a lightning bug to see by. Everyone is doing the same thing. No one has it all figured out. Some people are just better actors than others. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel a modicum of adequacy.

I think my overall goal/resolution for 2012 is to live better, be better, do better, read better, cook better, exercise better, write better, be better in my relationship. Basically, the key word is "better." Reading-wise, I want to start off the year with How to Read and Why so that I can read better. Then I want to read War and Peace. I have no idea why I've chosen the most difficult book known to God and man (well, maybe Swann's Way is more difficult), but I just feel drawn to it. I fully plan on taking a long time to read it. And I will probably read other books in the process. But the point is that I'm committing to read War and Peace. By this time next year, I hope for so many things, but I know that I will be able to say, "I have read War and Peace and here's what I thought..."

All right. I've procrastinated long enough. I need to eat a bite of breakfast. I need to clean my shower, toilet, counters, and sinks. I need to vacuum and Swiffer. I need to get dressed, made up, and straighten my hair. Then I need to do the last minute straightening up. And finally start lunch a little after 11:00. I rather wish this were a supper instead of a lunch so I could have a drink and calm down.

The Day After Readathon

2012-01-03T10:04:00.001-06:00

I thought for all of five minutes about the best way to track my progress during the readathon. I came up with this. There may be better ways of doing it, but I thought this was kind of fun.

8:00--Up. Made coffee. Checked email. Posted to blog. Planned to be done, have woken up Zach, and started making waffles by 9:00.
9:20--Hit "post" on draft. Decided to get back on plan (only 20 minutes late) and wake up Zach and make waffles.
9:30--Realized that Zach had no interest in getting up any time soon. Began making waffles for self.
9:50--Ate waffles while standing at the counter. Decided to clean up and mix Greek yogurt and honey, then sit on bed eating and talking to Zach.
10:00--Determined that Zach was sleeping soundly despite the very loud and annoying roofers. Moved to living room and started this timeline.
10:09--Will begin reading after removing nail polish.
10:16--Done. Ready to start reading. Zach is still very asleep despite the very loud workers. Choosing to read Nine Stories first.
10:47--Zach woke up. He proposed moving to his apartment where it would be quieter. We have a bit of a conversation about a new plan of action and about his quilt. I show him, using my own shirts, how cool a blanket would be if the colors moved from green to blue. Realized I really need to get rid of some clothes. Began the process of figuring out what all to take over to his place--food, books, and clothes. Blah!
12:00--Throw out trash. Leave for Zach's apartment. Check his mail. Put away refrigerator things. Realize I forgot to start my dishwasher. Oh, well. It can wait until tomorrow.
12:16--Start a load of laundry.
12:19--Write update.
12:22--Finally start reading while Zach plays MW3. Cynically wonder what the next interruption will be. Vow to stop in favor of being more positive and enjoying the day of reading.
12:23--Remember I forgot to report the internal meltdown that began at 11:34. Still feeling icky outwardly and still annoyed with Hollywood. Starting to read now...
3:37--I read for a while (like 20 minutes), fixed lunch, Zach turned on Frasier and I half (or three-fourths) paid attention. Then I finished putting in the last load of laundry. I read a few pages and took an hour-long nap. I called my mother back, tried the turtle cheesecake bites (OMG! so good!). Sitting down now to read. May switch gears because Nine Stories isn't doing it for men for long-term, extended and sustained reading. I could probably do one story at a time, but to go from one story to another just isn't doing it.
6:13--Break for supper. My chili with smashed up crackers and sharp cheddar added. Made a lot of progress on Joy in the Morning since 4:00. I shall finish tonight. Will probably watch Frasier with supper.
7:10--Turn TV over to football game. The Oregon and Wisconsin game is still going on. The OSU game will probably switch over to ESPN2 for a while.
7:50--OSU game finally starts. I keep reading and glancing up at the TV.
9:34--Finished Joy in the Morning. Really cute book. Picked up How to Be Lovely.
11:44--Game ended. OSU won. I'm exhausted. Zach doesn't seem interested in letting me sleep on his shoulder on the couch. ***Editor's Note: This apparently didn't happen*** So I get in bed, vowing to finish How to Be Lovely tomorrow, and promptly fall asleep.

Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-02T09:18:00.000-06:00

I said I'd post about my different resolutions, so here we go:

In the vein of Allie over at A Literary Odyssey, I have broken mine into categories. I have reading, blogging, and personal goals.

Reading:

My goals for reading are pretty simple. I don't want to put a number on it because either I will fall hopelessly short like I would have for any number I would have put on 2011 or I'll get close enough that I can finish...if I FLY through easy books I don't really want to read at the end of the year. Not interested.
So, I'm going to shoot for reading quality books well. I bought a copy of Harold Bloom's How to Read and Why, so I'm going to read that soon and try to read my books better.
If I get stuck on what book to read next, I'm going to go to my favorite source: the Rory Gilmore Book Club's reading list. So many classics that I should read and already own.
I'm going to try my best to read books I already own instead of spending my entire paycheck each month on new books I won't get to until who knows when. I know that in the grand scheme of things, books are one of the better things to buy because they won't go bad and they will always fit, even if I don't pick up a book I buy now until I'm 50. But I live in an apartment. I'm running out of room for new bookshelves. I'm just going to have to suck it up for another two and a half years.

Blogging:

I want to post more often. I think shooting for three times a week is a good amount. But if I don't have anything to say, I'm not going to post because I hate when people post just to post (I also hate people who talk just to talk). Posting this often fits in with my personal goals of journaling and being more mindful of my existence.
In addition to my own writing, I want to interact with other bloggers more, which means investing time in reading and commenting on other blogs. And that's fine with me. I'd love to build up some more friendships with people who are interested in the same kind of thing as me.
My posts will be a mixture of bookish pursuits (when there is anything to report) and personal posts about how I'm doing with my other goals and activities.

Personal:

Establish a sleep and wake up time because I do better on a routine.
Read for one hour before bed--I think I'll amend this to stop working an hour before my "bedtime" and get ready and read for thirty minutes because one hour is starting to seem unrealistic in the face of my thesis.
Exercise on the Wii Fit three days a week and at the gym three days a week. I'll do something like yoga or walking the lake the other day.
Go through my closet--When unpacking, I went through my closet and put several things in a donate box. I also turned all of the hangers in my closet around to the back side of the bar; when I wear something, I'll turn the hanger right side out. After a month I'll evaluate. It might take two months because of the sheer amount of clothing I own. But I'd like to pare things down and get rid of the everyday items I wear on only certain occasions.
Attack clutter and focus on the dump zones--Again, I live in an apartment; space is limited. Too many objects make the place claustrophobicly crowded.
I want to apply the one-minute rule (do anything that will take less than a minute immediately) and practice the ten-minute tidy-up (spend ten minutes cleaning up at the end of the day).
Drink eight glasses of water a day and eat healthier.
Menu plan so food doesn't go to waste and I don't have to spend time deliberating what to pack for lunch or we'll have for supper.
I have some relationship goals, like quitting nagging, fighting right, no dumping, give proofs of love, and have a regular date night. My relationship is wonderful, but I feel like Zach deserves to be treated better than I treat anyone else because I love him more than anyone else, but as often happens, Zach gets crapped on because he's the closest to me.
I also need to lighten up, so I'll try to make a joke instead of snapping, I'll acknowledge other people's feelings, I'll do better at preserving happy memories, I'll find more fun, and I'll be generous.
I want to spend out--that is, trust in abundance instead of more or less hoarding the last of something to the point that it just goes bad or becomes unusable. That last cookie and those really delicious leftovers? I can get or make more. The really good coupon? I should use it before it expires.
No. More. Gossip. I mean actively or passively participating in it and listening to it. I just don't want to hear it because I just don't want to get involved. Period. Hearing my friend's problems is one thing. Hearing from a friend about another person's problems is quite another.
I also want to give more positive reviews. This is kind of like looking for the blessing. For example, if Zach and I manage to steal a couple of hours to watch a movie, I should focus on the time together being a treat instead of the movie being bad.

As you can see, I have a lot of personal goals. Like I said last time, I've allowed my life to drown in negativity. Nothing is ever enjoyable or good enough. I don't like living like that. If it means having to cut out activities or limit interactions with certain people, so be it. But I think that doing these things will put me on track to live and be happier.

Well, it's about time for the Day After Readathon activities to commence. We'll be starting the day with waffles. I have some books I've started reading that I'd like to finish: Washington Square, Nine Stories, Out of Africa, Joy in the Morning, How to Be Lovely, and Possession. And some others that I'd like to perhaps start reading: Anna Karenina, The White Goddess, Cannery Row, and others that begin calling my name throughout the day. I have no idea what Zach will be reading. And I have no idea how long this is going to last because the roofers are going at it on my building's roof and OMG! the noise! And OSU is playing in the Fiesta Bowl tonight and they'll probably never in the foreseeable future get so high a bowl, so we'll probably be good little OSU students and employees and watch even though I'm definitively a Bama fan. Maybe with friends. I'll post about what actually winds up happening tomorrow.

Um...hi

2011-12-30T09:41:00.000-06:00

Um, hi. I'm Lori. This blog is mine. Or at least is was mine before I pretty much abandoned it. Maybe "abandoned" is too strong a word. I really just lost sight of it. The summer hit a fever pitch with all sorts of situations and I lost sight of a lot of things. The fall I spent gaining perspective and really pulling back from a lot of things and people. Finally the semester ended and I had time to reflect. I identified some problem areas and developed solutions. I actually made myself a resolutions chart, which really resembles the chore chart my mom made for me when I was like four. But I find that lists to check off work for me. I need that visual "I did this" or "Oh, I didn't do that."

Anyway, one of the problem areas I've identified, but haven't worked out a solution for, has been this--my blog. Which I really do love working on, but simply haven't made a priority. This past year negativity became a priority and really sapped a lot of my energy for more pleasant pursuits. I didn't read much. I didn't work out. I didn't cook as much as I would have liked, although I discovered some really good recipes. I didn't produce the quality of work I would have liked either at my job or in school. No, all too often, I spent my time on the couch watching TV mindlessly for hours or talking to my boyfriend (or various other people, but mostly my boyfriend) just commiserating about how miserable and untenable things were.

While I wasn't the only one dwelling in negativity, I can only change myself. For some reason I think this blog might help with that.

Despite how much I complain about technology, it really can be a beautiful thing. Technology has linked me with people who share one of my greatest passions--reading. Different people have given me inspiration on books to read. As anyone who knows me knows, I love reading the classics. I definitely do not want this blog to become a book blog because goodness know plenty of other people (and I can give you blog names) have devoted their blogs to reading and writing about the classics. And they do it far better than I could. Another little-developed passion of mine is writing. I don't do as much of either (for pleasure) as I'd like. But I'm going to make them priorities this year.

This month I'm going to be thinking about my blog. I'd really like to get it sorted out before school starts back up because, if I plan on finishing my thesis by the beginning of April, I'll have to hit the ground bloody running faster than Flo Jo. But I also have a lot going on in the upcoming week--a couple of movie marathons with my boyfriend, a New Year's Eve party, a readathon, making a quilt for my boyfriend so I don't have to share mine, cleaning out my apartment, and cooking lunch for my boyfriend's mom and aunt.

Somewhere in there, I'll find time to think about my blog. I already have an idea, based on what a blogging friend (well, someone I'd like to become a blogging friend) is doing. Allie at A Literary Odyssey has her goals for the year broken down. In many ways, her goals mirror mine, so I'll probably more or less adapt her goals to fit me and also add my own goals so that I get some originality points.

I'll post my resolutions when I get them all planned out. I already have my personal ones taken care of. I just need to figure out my reading ones and my blog ones.

Stay tuned.

I promise I'll be back. Soon. Like sometime this weekend.

Don't leave me.

More Thursday

2011-07-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

I think I can do this whole posting on Thursdays thing. It's become something I sort of look forward to doing.

I had some people over last night for dinner. We wound up consuming more bottles of wine than we had people drinking them, which led to an epically wonderful night. It was definitely one of those nights where you look at the clock and realize it's pushing midnight. Look again later and it's pushing 4:00, at which point I kicked people out. I didn't want to though.

I'm learning the art of list-making. My un-done items have gotten fewer and fewer as I've learned to really evaluate what I can and cannot do each day. Maybe that's a small feat, but it feels big to me. I found the best little list book at Target last weekend, so I've been experimenting with that.

Two days ago I tried Jillian Michaels's yoga DVD. It was really difficult. But I felt good afterward (aside from the headache). I felt like I'd done something. I really like yoga. I start noticing a difference after a few days. But I'm just bad about keeping up the practice. Once I get to having a shorter recovery time, I'll do the yoga in the morning, shower, and go about my day.

The next time I get to read, I'm going to read Faulkner's Go Down, Moses. I want to read more about the people in Yoknapatawpha County. And I think the shorter stories will work for me. But I've also been enjoying reading The Blind Side. It's a sweet story and a good movie. I find something inspiring about it because of the capacity people have for doing good, which (let's face it) you just don't see that often (or maybe it's just not something I see very often).

Working full-time has given me a new appreciation for the little gestures people do to make someone's life easier. I really love that Zach does some small things around my apartment, like mopping the kitchen, starting my dishwasher, starting supper. Those small things really add up and I don't always feel like I show him just how much I appreciate it.

I'm currently experiencing my first Ken Burns documentary--Baseball. I'll hit the Civil War one next.

It's Thursday Again!

2011-07-14T11:27:00.002-05:00

I kind of want to make some sangria. I’ve never had any before, nor have I ever made any. But it sounds like a fun summer drink. I’d love to be able to post on Twitter, “Oh, I’m just chilling with the boyfriend and drinking some sangria.” It’s the small things.

I think I’ll pick up a bottle of white zin for chill for tonight. Tonight has a feel. I should get some wine, throw open the window, and enjoy the sultry heat while Zach and I read or watch movies.

I finally finished a book. I hadn’t finished a book in so long that I’d nearly forgotten what it was like. I read Graham Greene’s Our Man in Havana, which was absolutely wonderful. I laughed. I got concerned. I wanted to read every chance I got. Apparently, I even talked in my sleep about things being in code.

I believe I’ll hit up Faulkner (Light in August) next. Maybe finish Out of Africa (or at least make some progress).

Zach and I are going to work our way through a Top 100 Novels of the 20^th Century list. I love that my boy loves to read.

One of my favorite things about summer so far has been the simple, light recipes I’ve found. I’m loving these dishes with only a few ingredients. My favorite has been chicken, asparagus, noodles, and pesto topped with parmesan. A close favorite was the puff pastries with olive oil, tomatoes, and cheese. It doesn’t have to be complicated to be delicious.

Outside of the kitchen, I’ve been totally low-maintenance this summer. Even the clothes I wear to work are pretty low-key. I absolutely loved the jean shorts with an old, soft Oxford that I threw on the other day. Next time I might belt it though.

Once I get into better shape, I’m going to do Jillian Michaels’s Thirty Day Shred. I’m just not feeling it right now. I think I want to start with her yoga DVD, but even that might kill me.

I get a pretty terrific stretch of picking out cards from May to August. In May, there’s Mother’s Day. And now Zach’s birthday. In June are Father’s Day and my grandma’s birthday. In July is my mom’s birthday. And in August is my dad’s birthday. I spend so much time in the card aisle reading them just to find the right one. I’m going to have to devote some time to that today because my mom’s birthday is on Monday.

Somehow it dawned on me at work yesterday that my negativity towards my project was only prolonging it. I’d look for any chance to not work on it. I should really just suck it up, grit my teeth, and plow through and then I won’t have to do it anymore. Once I accumulate my hours, I’m done. I should focus on the goal in sight, not the fun I’m missing out on.

More Thursday Thoughts

2011-07-07T09:28:00.000-05:00

I'm really not meaning to only post on Thursdays, but that's the way it keeps working out. I guess it's better than nothing...

We had a lot of fun on the Fourth of July. We went to our friend's parents' house. We drank, we ate, we swan, we set off fireworks, and we swam some more. It was a very relaxing time and I hope it's something we can continue to do each year.

I don't have any pictures from that, but I got some from when we went out to dinner at a Japanese place a couple of nights before then:

This one is me and Zach.

This is our brave boys after they did their first sake bomb. I really like the Ewok hat that Zach is wearing.

Slowly but surely my apartment is getting put together. I bought storage that I really like for my pantry. I plan on doing my closet this weekend. Then finishing up the kitchen. And finally tackling the living room. I really love that Zach is willing to help me.

I really do live a rather charming and magical life.

I'm very grateful that I'm finally finding the balance that I crave. It's not always easy. And I definitely couldn't do it without Zach's help (starting dinner, doing some odd chores). But it's happening. I believe soon I will be able to start reading again.

Speaking of which, I'm reading Graham Greene's Our Man in Havana and am absolutely loving it. So much so, in fact, that I have ordered three more books by him. The novel reads really quickly and it's really fun. I may make Zach, who reads history in his spare time (he is SUCH a Ph.D. student!), read it.

Thursday Thoughts

2011-06-30T14:18:00.001-05:00

If I must eat indoors, my favorite breakfast spot is in bed. So cozy!

I used to think that contentment = complacency. However, now that I'm content, I still want things, but I'm willing to take them as they come and simply enjoy things as they are.

Cambria is probably my new favorite font. I can't wait to type my thesis using it!

I love buying a new CD. It will inevitably have a song or two I've never heard, which will, inevitably, become favorites. That's the best kind of serendipity.

I also never realized how closely linked love and gratitude are. Yet I feel waves of gratitude toward Zach for cooking supper that have strong undercurrents of love.

I bought myself a planner so I can begin a 3 sentence journal. It starts on Friday. I can't wait.

Sometimes it's worth it to be a few minutes late to work just to hear the end of the story. Yesterday was one such day.

Call me crazy, but I refuse to apologize when I'm definitely not sorry. Backhanded and insincere apologies are the worst!

I kidnapped my friends' baby for a couple of hours yesterday. I had a blast! He had fun and he was worn out. He actually fell asleep before we left the parking lot. Even if he did crawl all over my bed naked because he wouldn't lie still during diaper change. Zach, who is his Godfather, had fun too when he came over.

I really like getting myself back into writing. I've missed sharing random thoughts with people I know and love. I have yet to get back into reading. It really kills me.

I need to go shoe shopping. I wore black ballet flats today. Big mistake. My feet are killing me. I'm really a flip flops girl, but that doesn't fly in a work environment. So, I just slip my shoes off when I'm at my desk.

I love having a boyfriend who is willing to fit Champagne Thursdays into his week.

Thursday's Thoughts

2011-06-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

I’m back to thinking bullet points are the way to write a post.

Since February, I:

Got a new boyfriend, with whom I am madly in love;
Decided what career I want (archivist) and figured out how to get there (MLS degree)
Finished my first year of grad school;Went to Turkey and Greece (Greece was better, but Athens sucked);
Got a well-paying internship for the summer;
Decided what to do my thesis over (women’s roles during World War I and II);
And started reconnecting with some old friends, albeit via email.

I have not finished a single book that I’ve started, which bugs the tar out of me. I’ve started numerous wonderful books, but I just cannot commit to the end.

I think I want to start taking pictures. But I don’t know what I’d shoot. My office? Even I don’t like looking at my office. My projects? Nah. My boyfriend? Maybe. But he doesn’t like being photographed and I am not going to assume everyone wants to see countless pictures of him (although he’s bloody handsome, in my humble opinion). We shall see.

I’ve gotten to the point of being comfortable enough to really and truly experiment in the kitchen. And the results have been delicious.

It really throws me when I think that some people lived their entire lives in a single century. For example? Clark Gable was born in 1901 and died in 1960. My great-grandmother is another example.

My boyfriend fits the qualities that I listed in a previous post. Funny thing is that he was one of the boys that made me come up with those rules in the first place.

Sometimes you just don’t know how much you miss doing something until you start thinking about how you never do it anymore. Like me and blogging.

One of the things I dislike the most about working from 8-5 is that I can't celebrate Champagne Thursday anymore. I miss Champagne Thursday.

I'm still struggling with the whole working full-time, then going home and needing to cook and clean, but desperately wanting to play with my boyfriend and friends and wanting to relax. Let me know if you have any tips for juggling that.

I think that's enough for now. I've missed y'all and hope to be back more often.

Thoughts On a Snow Day

2011-02-03T10:35:00.002-06:00

Day three of a snow vacation.

I have squandered the first two, partly in the decadence of staying in bed for so long, partly pure squandering. As a good friend pointed out last night, people may enjoy not having to scramble to get stuff done this week, but they'll have two book reviews due next week instead of just one. So, I choose to get some work done today.

I love my little black notebook of thoughts, lists, and scribblings. It feels very mysterious.

I don't think that the random opportunities and possibilities that pop up will ever cease to amaze me.

I think "random" and "absurd" do a fair job of describing my life right now and I am better than OK with that; I embrace it.

Every once in a while, you discover certain authors whose prose just take your breath away and make you marvel. I am fortunate enough to have discovered two such authors. What about you?

I love what a difference re-framing can make. Emptiness is no longer a void; it's a possibility.

Today is Champagne Thursday. Today I'll celebrate:
New sheets
Snow
Faulkner and Hemingway
Possibilities and random absurdities
You, my dear

Now, what will you celebrate?

Saturday Morning Thoughts

2011-01-22T09:18:00.000-06:00

I love having a pseudo-three-day weekend each week. Friday is great for doing absolutely nothing. Saturday is good for getting a bit of work done before doing something fun. And Sunday is good for cooking...and doing nothing.

I like having a plan, but I don't like a regimen. I need the freedom to say, "To hell with it all" every once in a while.

Fried chicken should be mandatory Sunday lunch food.

The Rolling Stones were onto something--You can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get just what you need.

Adding to that, sometimes, frequently, if you lie still long enough, the ladybugs will come to you.

I was glad to hear on Thursday that history is becoming increasingly inter-disciplinary. Which means I can (if I so choose and this semester I am choosing to try) to take what I love about my English degree and incorporate it into my passion for history.

There is something heady, almost seductive about a mostly empty shelf (or drawer) or two. So many possibilities for expansion. It's a luxury that almost rivals a good-sized bank account, set aside for emergencies only.

I've been occasionally writing a one-sentence journal. So much can be said in three sentences and so little can be said in three pages!

We've been having spells of frigidity, yet it feels like spring. There's anticipation in the air. There should be open windows, baseball on TV, and hours of reading in the rocking chair.

Knitting is one of those activities where it takes a few hours before you notice any progress, but then the haze clears and you're amazed. At least I am.

Who would you travel around the world with? A friend? A lover? Or would you go alone?

Spring makes me miss Mayberry.

I never thought of yarn as a possible decoration, yet I have four balls of it in a wooden bowl on my coffee table, along with a stack of books and a pot of aloe vera.

What simple pleasure is the definition of utter decadence to you?

Content

2011-01-11T19:38:00.000-06:00

I got my first inkling about this contentment last Friday after a lunch date with a perfectly nice boy toward whom I felt no passion. After our lunch date, he sent me a sweet little message saying he had a good time and maybe we could do it again except at dinner. I knew I had to tell him. I didn't quite know for sure what his intentions were, but I needed to put a stop to anything I wasn't all right with before it got too far and became a messy situation. I had enough messy situations last semester. So I told him that I really wasn't looking to date anyone at present. That was kind of hedging a bit because I wanted to be nice. But then I realized that it was true. I really don't want to date anyone right now. I was pretty proud of myself for doing the adult thing without having a conversation with someone about doing the adult thing.

Today I caught an episode of Sex and the City on E! I had seen episodes before, but somehow something kind of clicked. It felt like I might be able to really appreciate the series now. After a bit of hemming and hawing and price comparing, I ordered the first two seasons from Amazon. They should be here in a couple of days. I watched the first couple of episodes with the Video on Demand feature and things really started clicking in my brain. I remarked to a friend that I had reached a good place, that I wasn't pining anymore. I felt the need to clarify that I'm not anti-relationship (my friend is in a relationship and I'm very happy for her). I'm just happy with not being in one at the moment.

This whole SATC obsession is making me think a lot. Up front, I don't want to start having sex like a man. That's not the angle I'm caught up in. For one thing, there are not enough eligible men in the town. But there are other reasons too...such as, I don't want to. There is something about the characters, particularly Carrie, that fascinates. OK. It's really Carrie's writing and her personality that totally fascinates me. Anyway, those episodes I watched earlier today, and that ones I will watch in the near future, gave me an idea of what kind of writing I would like to start doing. I'm not really sure what to do with that, but I'd like to play around with it a bit and see if anything develops.

Classes started yesterday. I still have two of my classes that I haven't gone to yet. I think it's going to be a busy semester, especially with my job as a TA. But I think I'll have it under control. Hopefully it will be better than last semester, which was good, but a bit too dramatic at times. It will be a couple of more weeks until I get everything rolling this semester and I can establish a routine. I would love to have a routine, but more things will be piled on as my tutoring schedule gets set and I start having assignments due for my classes. One thing I definitely want to avoid this semester is constantly blogging about school! It's really not that interesting, nor is it the type of writing I want to do. I'd kind of like to get over my fear of talking, in non-judgmental words and non-specifics, about the people and events in my day. We'll see...

Balancing Act

2011-01-08T09:33:00.000-06:00

I have a lot of projects going on. A lot of things I want to do and be, things that I should do and should be, and, of course, things that I am doing and being. I know that at some point I'll have to choose, to shift something so that I can create a balance. Anyway, a lot of introspection going on. It was kind of funny, I was talking to a friend about all of my projects and how neither of us can keep them all straight. I guess that's not really funny in the traditional "ha-ha" sense. But it shows that I've been doing things, even if I haven't been writing over here.

I've made a decision about my blog, but I'm still working on the details. This will not be a book blog. I don't want it to be a book blog. I don't read books quickly enough for it to be a book blog, partly because I am trying to read the classics, which are usually long and should be savored, and partly because I am busy doing other things that take away from reading. If I can figure out how, I'll add a separate page for book reviews or maybe I'll just post the occasional review on the main page and keep a list of reviewed books on a separate page.

Nor am I going to use this blog as a journal, a record of my day-to-day events, thoughts, and opinions. I've done that before. It kind of backfired in that people from the real world were reading it and then they got mad at me for saying something against them. No matter. I actually don't tell anyone from the real world about this blog so that I can't get into trouble. Further, I don't think that my day-to-day life is all that interesting. There's a place for those events, thoughts, and feelings and that's on paper, not the computer screen. That's not to say I won't occasionally write about things that happen to me. I will, if they seem big enough, important enough.

That leaves the question of what kind of blog will this be. I'm fortunate that I'm surrounded by a lot of creative people. I know many great amateur photographers. I know many aspiring writers. I know many people who are great introspective, philosophical thinkers. I'm working on honing my skills in those areas. I'm going to use this blog as a creative outlet, a place to post my thoughts, meditations, writings, findings.

All right. So what are my projects?

I started this year with the intention of having a wellness project. The wellness project had some sub-projects that focused on taking care of myself (eating well, exercising daily), my relationships and interactions with others (friends, family, random strangers), and things that make me happy (reading, writing, crafts). That's what I mean by projects. I wrote down a series of resolutions and I made a daily checklist. Some were pretty basic--did I take my vitamin? drink 8 glasses of water? Others required a bit more thinking--did I think before speaking? did I laugh more often? But it was no good. The resolutions, the goals were in the right place. But the system didn't work for me. I mean, I say a lot of things. Many of which I forget as soon as they pop out of my mouth. How can I evaluate whether I thought before speaking? Do I try to remember everything? Or do I judge on whether I gave a good effort? So I abandoned the system.

It wound up being a lot of projects, but all were worthwhile. I'd have to be living on Gilmore time to be able to get them all in. (Seriously! Have you ever thought about an episode of Gilmore Girls? How does Rory go to school all day, hang out with Dean, Lorelai, and Lane, get all of her homework done, and have time to read for a while from a thick book, all while getting enough sleep to function? Hell, I could do all of those things if I sacrificed sleep, which I would totally do because I hate sleeping, but I need sleep.) So, I'm looking for a way to balance everything. The big problem is that I think they're all so important that I want to work on them NOW. But there's only 24 hours in a day.

I've been meaning to journal about the whole thing. I think that if I really write about it for a few days, I'll be able to write myself into a decision, a plan, a goal, a resolution. Something will jump out at me. Maybe one of the areas will ultimately feel more important so I can focus on it first, then add another area once I get into a habit of taking care of the first one. That's something I should always remember: don't start anything major until I'm back in school. I could have had a great system going, but then school would have thrown a major wrench in it because, for whatever reason, attendance, completed assignments, and participation are expected.

OK. Off to do some more thinking!

Thinking

2011-01-02T09:13:00.000-06:00

As is usual for the past few years, one of my plans for the new year is to blog more. Except, this year I'm calling it a resolution, rather than goal, which connotes something to be accomplished. By resolving to do it, I don't have to worry about being perfect because I'm not rushing toward a specific end. I resolved to post five times a week. I made a resolutions chart for all of my resolutions and I check it off daily.

This post is entitled "Thinking" because I'm thinking about what I want to do with this blog. I definitely want to talk about books because they are such a large part of my life. Plus I'm involved in a challenge where I am supposed to post reviews to mark my progress and I'm participating in that readalong where I'm supposed to check in four times. But I don't want to solely be a book blog because I like having a place where I can talk about whatever I wind up talking about. Having a blog is a good way to share. However, I feel like I need a definite purpose, a definite vision for this blog. And that's what I'm thinking about. Anyway, you might see some changes in the blog over the next little while as I sort this out.

I hope y'all had a happy new year. I stay at my apartment and read and watched Gone With the Wind. It was totally low-key. I was in bed watching Gilmore Girls with the lights out when I saw that it was 12:05. I said goodnight to the world and went to sleep. It was great. And yesterday I stayed in my pajamas all day, I made fried chicken for supper, and watched Pleasantville. Today I'm going to try to plan on leaving my apartment, if only to check the mail. (I've been in here since I got back Thursday afternoon) I'm having a lovely time reveling in a glorious nothing until school starts next Monday. I plan on getting a few letters written and some reading done. I've also been cleaning and rearranging things in my apartment, which is really pretty satisfying work.

War and Peace Readalong and Other Business

2010-12-29T09:05:00.000-06:00

I wanted to make a quick post announcing that I am going to participate in A Literary Odyssey's War and Peace Readalong. It begins January 1 and (theoretically) ends February 28. Throughout the readalong, I'll have four update posts: January 15, which will focus on volume 1, January 31, which will focus on volume 2, February 12, which will focus on volume 3, and February 28, which will focus on volume 4. It works out quite nicely because just last night I mentioned to a friend that I was thinking of reading War and Peace as my first book of 2011. I think it was fate because this morning I saw the readalong.

I also finished The Happiness Project yesterday afternoon. I enjoyed it immensely. I decided to do my own happiness project of sorts in 2011. I'm going to focus on getting my stuff in order--body, relationships, finances, career plans, among other things. I guess mine will be more of a wellness project than anything, but I'll have a similar format and a resolutions chart like Rubin to keep myself organized and motivated. I'm not sure if or how I will incorporate my blog into this, but I imagine I'll check in periodically with updates.

In 2010, I made it a goal to read 52 books and not count books I only read because they were assigned for school. If a book was already on my list and I was assigned to read it, I could count it. Otherwise, no. At the beginning of my Christmas break, I saw that I was within shooting distance of meeting this goal...if I counted books that I read for class and only for class in with the ones I read for fun. I looked through my shelves and began picking out short books that I could read in time to meet a modified version of my goal. Then I paused for a moment and realized that what I was doing was completely contrary to my purpose for reading anything in the first place, much less my purpose for reading over Christmas break. You see, I read for enrichment and escape. But I was reading for brevity, which included some pretty...insipid books. So, I abandoned my goal and decided to read the three books I wanted to read and then see what I wanted to read next.

This experience helped me come up with my reading goal for 2011--I decided that I wanted to just focus on reading the classics. Nevermind how many I finish, nevermind how many pages I read. I just want to read some of the great works on my own time and get out of them what I will. I want to go back to what got me reading in the first place--a love of language, a love of a good story, and a love of interesting characters and places. Anyway, that's my plan for 2011.

Vacation

2010-12-26T18:19:00.000-06:00

I've taken a bit of a holiday from blogging. Obviously.

The end of the semester was as busy as the ends of the semester usually are. I survived. I did very well with everything, which made me very happy. I ultimately got straight A's, which hasn't happened in a full length semester since my first semester as an undergrad. I also got a new job. The head of the department, who is on my committee, sent me an email during finals week asking if I wanted to be a 1/4 time TA in the spring. Naturally, I accepted. After talking to the professor about what will be expected of me and learning a bit more about her, I am really excited. I'll get to sit in on and take notes over a 20th century European history class...which might very well prove helpful if I wind up writing my thesis over post traumatic stress disorder before it was really understood (so, basically, how it was treated and what was thought about it during the Civil War and World War I). Even if the class doesn't actually delve much into it, the professor specializes in medical history, so she might be a good resource. Isn't it wonderful when things work out?

I've been reading as much as I can over the break so far. I'm currently in the middle of three books--One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Brideshead Revisited, and The Happiness Project. I'm having the best time ever just reading and relaxing. The last book has made me start to think about reorganizing things a bit. I got into some pretty bad time management and behavioral cycles last semester and I want to try to do better in the spring. I'm going to finish reading the book before I make any definite plans, but I foresee a happiness project-type project in my future.

I will be back in a few days and will begin posting a lot more regularly. I really liked that one month a couple of summers ago when I posted every day. Except, hopefully, I won't be complaining about work every day like I did then.

My New Promise

2010-12-09T22:04:00.000-06:00

As luck would have it, I found a ring today. Some hippies set up a stand on campus and my friend and I stopped by after we hit the library. I found a ring that I really like. It's a fake sapphire in a sterling silver setting. The lady told me it was a real sapphire, but it couldn't have been for the price I paid. Anyway, I love it. The ring is simple, but elegant and classy. I made up my list of love rules to serve as the promise that goes with the ring.

1. I will not be with a man who demands that I change or that tells me I am not good enough through words, actions, or indirection.

2. I will not chase him more than he chases me.

3. I will not be with a man who badmouths my family or tries to make me choose between him and them.

4. I will not be with a miser or a spendthrift.

5. I will not be with someone who never tells me when I am wrong or who always tells me when I am wrong.

6. I will not be with someone who is not genuinely happy for me.

7. I will not be with someone toward whom I feel no passion.

8. I will not be with someone who neither challenges nor inspires me.

9. I will not be with someone who doesn't read fiction and non-fiction, love (or at least tolerate) old movies, watch baseball, or root against the Red Sox.

10. I will not be with someone who doesn't show respect for me, my beliefs, my opinions, my friends, and my family.

11. I will not be with someone who does not want to get married and have children.

12. I will not be with someone who will not share the load.

13. I will not be with someone who talks to his mom more than he talks to me.

14. I will not be with someone who does not make eye contact.

15. I will not be with a man with whom I cannot be myself or with whom I cannot talk.

16. I will not be with a man who has no sense of humor.

17. He must dance with me--in public, in the middle of the street, or in the kitchen.

18. He must not cry more than I do.

19. He must not take himself too seriously.

20. He must have good manners and a sense of propriety, both in public and at home.

21. He must be willing to buy tools and deal with rodents.

22. He must care about how he looks and dress well, but not to the point of feminine vanity.

23. He must be sincere.

24. He must not rush me or let me go without a fight.

25. He must be kind and gentle, but also masculine.

26. I must acknowledge and consider any negative traits.

27. I must not get carried away and move too quickly or recklessly.

28. I must not lose sight of myself.

29. I must be willing to compromise, to share, to be committed. This means being honest about my fears, first with myself to see if any are red flags, then with him. I must keep the lines of communication open.

30. I must not lose myself, my independence, and my dreams.

31. I must always fight fairly. This means being fair to him and to myself.

These kind of break down into a few categories. The first ones are reactions to past experiences. Next are some traits that are important to me that he needs to have. The last are some reminders to myself regarding my conduct in the relationship.

I don't know. I just thought I'd put these out there. At the very least, hopefully, some people will see them and can be rooting for me. At most, maybe they'll be of some help to someone.

Irony

2010-12-08T21:44:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to decide where to begin with this little anecdote because there are several good places...

A couple of summers ago I bought myself a ring and had it inscribed with "La Vie en Rose" to remind myself to wait for that instead of continuing to waste my time and love on guys who so were not worth it. It was, essentially, a promise ring for myself. Fairly nice piece of jewelry and it had a meaning to me.

Eh, I dated a few doozies since then.

Eventually, I stopped wearing the ring every day because sometimes I'd wear a different ring or just go ringless. But I decided to start wearing the ring again yesterday so that I would remember that somewhere out there is the guy for me and that I should be patient-ish until he shows up. I'm not saying that I think I should hide out in a convent until Prince Charming shows up, but that I want to move beyond the casual, never in a bajillion years going to be anything relationships and, more or less, save myself for more serious encounters. So I put the ring back on.

While on campus today, I reflected to a friend that I felt like I should write my list of love rules because I'm getting the feeling that I'll need them in the near future. You know, rules like "I won't be with a man who doesn't inspire me; I won't be with a man who still sleeps on Superman bedsheets; I won't be with a man who calls his mother more often than he calls me," etc. I don't know what is going to happen, but I get these premonitory feelings occasionally and lately they've been accurate, although things haven't exactly worked out 100% like I envision the whole scenario. For example, my premonition that I'd fall for an older man. Figuring that I wouldn't meet any older men until I finished with grad school, I just accepted it. But I fell for a PhD student who is older. Maybe I'll need to love rules because I'm about to fall in love, maybe I need them to help a friend through her own relationship issues. Who knows? (Naturally, I know which one of those two possibilities I'd prefer...)

On the ride home, I was still thinking about these rules and my promise to only be with a man I could see myself settling down with and that ring I had bought myself to symbolize that promise. I reflected on the doozies I'd been with since making that promise and buying the ring. I remembered reading a couple of years ago a piece that talked about someone having promised herself so often that she was going to go on a diet and she would soon broke that promise, that the words had lost all meaning. So, she'd say the words, but her subconscious was all, "Yeah. Right. Whatever." I began thinking that maybe I'd done that, except with men. I'd tell myself, "No more pathetic losers" and then I would rationalize being with the next guy who came along regardless of how big a loser he was (and trust me: they were NOT even close to being winners). So I started thinking that since I had broken that promise symbolized by the ring that maybe I should just buy myself a new ring and make a new promise. I got home. I looked at a local jewelry store's website. Didn't really see much because the website wasn't fantastic. Decided to go in to the store sometime soon. A couple of hours later, as I was driving my friend home from coffee, I noticed that the stone (which was just an onyx) had fallen out of my ring. I couldn't find it.

The irony hit me: my promise ring broke on the same day that I was thinking about how often I'd broken the promise.

I had to laugh.

Books

2010-12-04T14:03:00.000-06:00

I need to write a bit about books because that's the most interesting part of my life right now.

I've been flitting about from book to book, fiction to non-fiction. Right now I'm hot for Little Women. I've never read it before, but I'm loving it. I think I would have liked my name a bit if I had read this as a child, even though Laurie was a boy...and spelled his name differently from mine. I was a lot like Jo in that I loved reading and acted like a total boy. We didn't have any girls on my street when I was young, so my only playmates were boys. But I also had my own girly amusements when I played alone, which made me kind of similar to Meg (who was motherly) and Amy (who had a skewed sense of propriety).

One of the things I'm loving about Little Women is their attitudes. I love how they're taking up their bundles, living charitably, and appreciating what they have. Yes, they wrestle with having their own selfish desires, but they make a pretty good effort. It's really fitting in with my dreams of scaling back and keeping what is truly useful and good. My apartment is ridiculous with how much stuff I've amassed. I can hardly believe it. I get really depressed about it when I think of how much stuff is still in my parents' house.

Another thing I need to do before too long is catch up on book reviews for the Gilmore Challenge. I read the directions wrong. I though I had to read 10 books from each of 3 different categories, not 10 books total from from 3 categories. I've read more than 10 from the list, but I haven't review them all. So, get ready for a few reviews.

I started a pile of the books I'm planning on taking home for break. Not counting the ones in the drawer that I've started but haven't finished, I have 9 books sitting by my front door. I'm not planning on being home much more than 10 days and some of those books are well over 300 pages long, I never get as much reading done as I want to because of my parents, and we'll be having at least one Christmas. I think I'm going to have to cut down on the books I bring home because I just don't want to have to carry that many.

Ugh. I turned on my computer to get some work done, but I really want to just go read Little Women. I think I'm going to declare that I can be lazy today and read and watch It's a Wonderful Life, which I recently purchased, later on. I don't know why I want to watch it so badly, but I am loving the thought of curling up in bed with that movie and having sweet Jimmy Stewart dreams...

Surviving

2010-12-01T07:56:00.000-06:00

Somehow I survived my paper critique, which I'd jokingly been calling a "flagellation" for a while. I acknowledged my shortcomings and prior to class, I asked my peer critiquer to bring up a couple of issues so I could defend myself on them before my professor brought them up. The professor and I cracked a couple of jokes to each other. The first was on the topic of my title. He asked what government handouts had to do with my paper and I said, "Not much; I am just terrible at naming things." And he thought that was pretty funny.

Ultimately, I made an A-/B+ on the paper. Part of me feels like I didn't quite deserve that because I put it off for so long and couldn't get all of the sources I could have. Then again, I did write a pretty darn good paper in the course of 15 days and my paper is almost solely based on primary source evidence and the secondary sources he found (and pointed out in front of the entire class [he does that with everyone]) would have been icing rather than actual cake (I would have said "meat," but icing and meat don't go together). I'm not about to go argue with him on it though. I'll take my grade, feel lucky, but remember.

I got my committee together for my thesis. I have no idea what my thesis will be over. I'm going to have to figure it out soon though because one of my committee members won't sign my plan of study until we all meet and he'll want to know my topic. It won't be set in stone, but I'll need to have an idea. I am a little worried because I won't be taking thesis hours until spring 2012.

In other news, I've ordered (and received) quite a few really good books lately. Most of them have been fiction. The latest batch dealt with the 1920s. A couple of flapper books and a cultural history. Naturally, I've also bought a few hippie/1960s counterculture/Beat movement books. So many good books, so little time! I think if I just hid away for the entirety of Christmas break and didn't work, participate in family stuff, or hang out with friends, but read the entire time, I still don't think I would get through half as many books as I would love to get through!

I'm telling you, there are so, so, so many that are sparking my interest right now. And they aren't even similar or related books. They span the spectrum. This means I really need a wheelie bag to carry them all home because there's no way that 1) I have anything large enough to fit that many books in and 2) I could carry it if I owned such a thing. I do have a wheelie bag, but it's at home and I won't be going there until break.

But I will survive. One of my mottoes for the past few years has been "Improvise. Adapt. Overcome." (A google search credits the Marines with that phrase; I have to credit a hippie geometry/statistics teacher from high school)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2010-11-28T09:59:00.000-06:00

I actually read a book about the Vietnam War with that title. Not that I'm comparing my life to the Vietnam War. I don't think it would make a very good comparison. I don't really know what I could compare my life to. There's got to be some war at some point in history though, right?

A lot of isolated events have happened in the past month since I last wrote.

Lots of social drama that culminated on my birthday. I had to make two calls that were not fun. The person I didn't expect to call me back actually did. We talked for a bit. I gave him a sincere apology for not having acknowledged his feelings. It felt like he gave me too much credit for calling him to apologize, but I didn't argue. I didn't talk about how I felt because that wasn't the goal of the conversation. The other person didn't call me back, but things are getting to be OK between the two of us. I hope that maybe after Christmas break things can go back to the way they were in some respects. I miss hanging out with these two people and I miss talking to them. It was a very humbling experience, but sometimes it's good to be humbled and I learned quite a bit. From the whole thing, not just calling the people.

I started and finished my methods paper in the course of 15 days. Some of the sources that I really needed weren't in our library like I assumed they were, but I didn't know that until I looked for them 15 days before it was due. My professor called it a learning experience. I hope he doesn't take my stupid mistake out on my paper and will just look at what is there. I'll find out Tuesday. One of my friends said it was a very good paper, all things considered. I'm hoping that by acknowledging its shortcomings in my presentation, my professor won't belabor the point. I still have a group project that none of us in the group have started yet, two book reviews, and a historiography due this semester. I'm going to survive.

Lately, I've started thinking about my Christmas break reading plans. I currently have six books that I've started and want to finish before the end of the year. I'd really like to wipe the slate clean and not have any hold over books, you know? I've bought a lot of non-fiction lately, plus some edgier fiction. I don't know which books I'm going to try to read, but I would like to make a list that focuses on fiction since there's been such a dearth of that in my life this semester. In spite of owning a nook, I think I'll wind up carting a lot of books home for the break.

I've been going through a bit of a hippie/counterculture phase lately. It seems like I go through these phases every year. In the spring, I really want to read Faulkner. At the beginning of fall, I organize the tar out of everything. And as fall turns into winter, I go through a hippie/counterculture/bohemian phase. I don't mean that I stop bathing and wear tie-dye. I get these dreams of running away and living an artistic life in a rather dingy apartment and taking a lover who paints. I'd start writing and sell that to pay for food and bills. My lover and I, we'd be poor but we'd be happy. There'd be good wine and a lot of reading, many philosophical discussions, and interesting friends who crash on our decrepit, but comfy, sofa.

It's times like that when I really question what I'm doing and why, what I hope to accomplish, whether I'm doing the right thing. Eventually, the dreams fade away and I go back to doing what I've been doing all along. I know this. I also know that someday I'll have to confront these dreams. Maybe it would be good to do some of those things before I really settle down. Part of me questions whether I'll actually be able to settle down until after those dreams went away for good or at least faded substantially.

All right. I need to get my grocery list together because my fridge currently makes the Gilmores' look well-stocked.

Still Here

2010-10-28T08:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like every once in a while, I need to pop in and reassure y'all that I'm still here. I wish I were writing more. I also wish I had more I could talk about when I do write. There's plenty of stuff that happens to me. But I either don't remember (because it's just silly fun!) or I don't want an internet record of it. Then I feel bad because what I do write about it how I'm so busy with grad school, work, and having a social life, but I usually throw in an "I'm so divinely happy" or two or ten. I look at some of my friends' blogs and am jealous over their interesting and fantastic quotes from the books they've read long ago or have been reading lately.

Last night, I got home from work around 9:00. I hadn't been home at 9:00 in so long I couldn't remember the last time I had been home at 9:00 and had no intention of leaving. I actually almost did leave, thus continuing the streak, when a friend asked if I wanted to come hang out, but I was just too sleepy. I had planned on staying up until I finished my review of Roll, Jordan, Roll for today, but I was too tired to deal with communists. I have to draw the line somewhere. So, I stared into space in the general direction of my tv, which was playing the baseball game (sidenote: I swear to Buddha! I DO NOT want any sort of Yankees comment, even if it's a nice one. I am GLAD the season is over, even though now I have to deal with bandwagon fans, who give fans everywhere a bad name because of their stupidity and take a lot of the joy out of following a team, also because of their stupidity. My life DID NOT fall apart, like some people seem to believe. I did not cry. I did not throw things. I did not say anything because I did not care that my team lost. Actually, I felt genuinely happy for my friend who is a Rangers fan. Continuing to bring it up, even in a nice way, is only PISSING ME OFF at this point. So do yourself a favor and don't even mention it).

Then I decided to do something scandalous--I got in bed at 10:00 and read...for about ten minutes and fell asleep. It was great! Epic! Amazing!

If you thought things were busy for me before, they're only about to get worse or better depending on your attitude. I've got a book review due today, two next week, one and a historiography the following week, and on November 23 my 15-25 page research paper that I haven't even had time to begin researching, but that I'm going to try to finish by November 16 so that my critique partner and I can switch papers to get perspective on them before we turn in our final drafts and get crucified publicly on November 30. Of course, I'm leaving out all of the assignment for my public history class, which includes a project that I haven't started yet either. I'm worrying about the first sentence of assignments before I begin worrying about that project.

But I can't stress enough that I'm really happy and doing really well in everything. I'm making A's or very high B's on my assignments. I've got a lot of friends. My refrigerator resembles the one in the Gilmore household--hardly a substantive thing to eat because I'm hardly ever home. It seems to me that I used to like things, like cooking and reading. But I might just be remembering some fairytale that I read long ago. The real low point is that I'm almost out of toilet paper. Even this wouldn't be a problem if my nose would stop running.

I'm really excited because I borrowed Tristan + Isolde from one of my friends. I love that movie. I love that story. I would love to find the time to watch the movie. I hopped onto IMDB.com and looked at the quotes and I can't help sharing this one:

I wonder by my troth, what thou and I Did, till we loved? were we not wean'd till then? But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly? Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den? 'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be ; If ever any beauty I did see, Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee. And now good-morrow to our waking souls, Which watch not one another out of fear ; For love all love of other sights controls, And makes one little room an everywhere. Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone ; Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown ; Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one. My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears, And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; Where can we find two better hemispheres Without sharp north, without declining west? Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally; If our two loves be one, or thou and I Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

I've really kind of lost my hard outer coating lately. I've become more compassionate. I actually cried the other day because I was sad for my friends. I was sad for myself too, but it was my friends' sadnesses that hurt me the most. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess maybe it's part of growing up. But I had really hoped that I could avoid the whole crying at the drop of a hat thing. I don't like crying. I don't like being around people who cry. If you'll remember, my mom started crying on the phone last year around my birthday and I told her that if she was going to do that, I was going to go ahead and hang up. This summer, I told her I was going to go in the other room. It's not that I'm heartless. Really. I just like people to be happy and crying is just too much for me. Or at least it was. *sigh*

Top Ten Fictional Book Crushes

2010-10-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

This week at The Broke and the Bookish, our Top Ten Tuesday is about fictional book crushes. I couldn't help but participate. This one is going to be hard because, in all honesty, my heart will always belong to my number one person, but I think I can come up with nine other admirable men. So, from the bottom to the top:

10. Frederic Henry from A Farewell to Arms--I think I like Frederic because he's so much like Hemingway, whom I find so, so sexy. He volunteered to fight even though the US was not yet involved in World War I. He traveled around Europe with Catherine, even though she was pretty whiny and annoying.

9. Robert E. Lee Prewitt from From Here to Eternity--Prew was really good about standing up for what he believed in. He did not want to compromise himself or conform to something he simply could not promote. He did some bad things, but he was ultimately a good man who fought for what he believed in.

8. The Phantom from The Phantom of the Opera--I see Gerard Butler's incarnation of The Phantom, which kind of makes me swoon despite that one side of his face. Yes, he was kind of creepy and fairly evil in the book, but he was very dedicated to Christine, which was very sweet and flattering.

7. Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby--I love how Jay worked so hard to reclaim his lost Daisy. He built himself up from next to nothing in order to prove that he was worthy of her. And he waited patiently until the timing was right to reenter her life.

6. Raoul de Chagny from The Phantom of the Opera--I don't like that I have two men from the same book on this list, but I couldn't help it. Raoul's love of Christine is so innocent and pure. One of my favorite quotes is about the game of love that Christine and Raoul play.

5. Noah Calhoun from The Notebook--He's sensitive. He transformed that house. He cared for Allie regardless of what happened. He read poetry. He challenged Allie to see beyond the bull in her life and make a good decision. He waited for her and knew that someday they would be together.

4. Howard Roark from The Fountainhead--I love Howard because he stands up for what he believes in regardless of what it costs him. And there's that one scene when he's working at the quarry that makes me melt.

3. Stuart Redman from The Stand--I love Stu. He's one of the heroes of the book. He's got a lot of gumption and he can work with his hands, which is totally sexy any way you slice it. He's passionate and tender. He might not be the smartest cookie, but goodness knows he tries and often sees things to their core without a lot of pretension.

2. Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird--I love Atticus because he is so wise and honest. He is a great father. He stands up for what is right regardless of how unpopular it makes him. He's a bit older, which is pretty nice in my book. He's a really stand-up man.

1. Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind--I know you're not really surprised by this. How could I, Southern Belle that I am, not love Rhett? He's smart, witty, sensitive (but in a really sexy macho way), he'd call me on all of my crap, but he'd also encourage me to succeed. Oh, Rhett!

From my list, I can conclude that I like my men to be sensitive and patient, but also challenging and wise. Not a bad combination.

Random Sunday Morning Thoughts

2010-10-17T10:47:00.000-05:00

I have one of those professors who really likes to get the best of you, which makes getting the best of him all the more enjoyable. In his thirty-odd years of teaching, he's perfected The Stare. You know what I'm talking about: that look that is supposed to make students shrink and question themselves to their very core. (He's not really mean about it; I think he usually employs it in a joking kind of way; I'm really not sure what he'd do if he were seriously trying to get a person to question everything about themselves) I've learned to meet this stare with my own look of defiance. The professor is really quite hilarious. Difficult, but hilarious. If he gives you a hard time, it's because he likes you; if he doesn't, well, then, good luck with that.

I've entered my non-suicidal Sylvia Plath mood the generally precedes my birthday. I read about half of Ariel last night and picked up her journals again. In many ways, I am so like her. GAH! I always feel kind of sketchy talking about liking her and relating to her since she ultimately killed herself, but take out her depression and she was really just a normal college girl like me. She struggled with the same things I struggle with, made some of the same observations that I make, felt some of the same things I feel, and experienced some of the same things I experience. That said, her journals speak to me quite a bit more than her poetry does because her poems are a bit depressing. Although I really do appreciate her poetry, the style and the symbolism. It's fun to read aloud, like most poetry is meant to be read.

My methods paper is going to drive me crazy. It's due November 23 and I haven't really even started. I'm kind of far behind because of those 3 weeks when I flirted with the idea of doing my paper over Gene Kelly. The sources weren't readily available and with my present course load, I wouldn't have time to find them. A talk with my adviser revealed that I could do a hypothetical museum exhibit on Gene Kelly for my thesis, so I'll plan on finding the sources for that. Thus, I am back to doing my research paper over the first All-Star game. I need to get a move on it because the professor pointed out a few holes in my working bibliography and he'll spend a good 6 minutes of my presentation pointing out the sources I didn't use and asking why I didn't use them. He does this to everyone. And, yeah, I actually have to admit why I didn't use them. (This is the same professor I talked about above) I think I'm going to have to stop playing as much or at least make better use of my work time.

Speaking of work, I'm not sure that it's going so well. I've lost a few more students. Some of them have dropped that classes I'm tutoring them for and two of them (the two good ones) are going to meet with their history tutor for American Government in addition to Survey of American history. I feel like I'm failing my students, like I should be doing more to help them at least pass the class. I don't know what else I can do. Even the English ones I meet with on a one-on-one basis I feel like I'm failing them in helping them with their papers.

I've got to keep moving.

2010-10-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

My life has been going at a fever pitch lately. The workload for grad school is pretty much insane! But I'm enjoying every moment of my insanity. Mainly because of my friends, who are all insane with me. After the year that I lived on campus, I honestly never, ever, ever thought I'd be on campus at 2am, let alone at 4am. And yet...3 nights in the past week I was on campus until at least 2am. Don't misunderstand me. I'm totally not complaining. It was without a doubt the best week that I've had in a while.

Naturally, I haven't been getting much me reading done lately, which does kind of bother me. I'm about to have to start doing more reading, but it will be nonfiction stuff for my research paper on Gene Kelly. Enjoyable, but not quite so satisfying to my English major soul. Part of it is that I just haven't found a book that has grabbed me, despite starting many. The other part is the lack of time. I think I might want to read a dark Gothic romance or a dark Victorian love story. Or maybe I'll just read some Edgar Allan Poe.

It's the time of year. I get dark, moody, and brooding in October and it generally lasts until after my birthday, which is coming up all too quickly. I've tried to retrain my thinking toward my birthday, but I think my 20th birthday disaster was the final nail in the coffin. You know, the birthday that I didn't want to celebrate, but then my "friends" talked me into having a party, which none of them showed up for. Yeah, good times. Not that I think the friends I have now would do something like that. I'm just scarred for life.

I went on a major shopping spree yesterday. I only bought 3 black items of clothing, which is pretty much a record for me. I bought a beautiful emerald green tuxedo shirt dress, 2 pairs of jeans, a blue and white striped tuxedo shirt dress, a plum pashmina, a black trench coat, a black dress with some embellishments, a pink and white striped boat necked shirt, a pink/purple/tan striped cardigan, a taupe sweater jacket, a white sweater, and a black sweater dress. I feel like I'm leaving out something, but I can't think of what.

In all of my concerns about fitting school and work into 24 hours a day, I never really considered factoring in a social life. I'm going to have to figure this out. I mean, we're talking drinks/a meal after class, game night on Fridays, Boardwalk Empire/Mad Men on Sundays, homework in the bullpen (which blends nicely), and other random excursions. I'm hardly ever in my apartment, except to collapse into bed late at night and wake up a few hours later to repeat. It's wonderful. But so not what I had planned. I'm going to roll with it though because "they" always say that these are the best times of my life. (Seriously though, "they"'ve been saying that since high school; the best times of your life don't really start until you're 21 [of course, that's only for people who aren't married and hang out with people who aren't married; I can't speak for the marrieds, nor do I yet want to be able to])

Time is flying by too quickly. I wish it would slow down a bit. I wish I had more pictures of my friends and experiences. But it's kind of like when I went to the Yankees game in Texas a couple of summers ago and I was 10 feet from Derek Jeter--I didn't want to stop living and enjoying the moment to capture it. It was fleeting and transitory, but I was part of it. It's nice to be a part of something, but I need to remember to keep rolling on my own. (Yeah, I just watched The Missing Piece on youtube)

Happy Sunday!

More Disconnected Thoughts

2010-09-17T08:55:00.000-05:00

It feels a tad early in the semester to be breaking out the legal pads for massive to-do lists, yet here I am.

Lately, I've slunk into the habit of allowing deadlines to be my inspiration. Thus, I have 2 chapters to go through for work on Sunday, 2 papers to write and 150 pgs to read for Monday, a working bibliography to compile for Tuesday, and a book to read and book review to write for Thursday. None of which I have started. And, looking down the pike, a 12-15 page historiographical essay due October 7 and a 25 page research paper due at the end of November. Also, not started. But I've got no one to blame but myself.

This is the workload that I used to get at the end of the semester that I rose to meet. I know I can do it. I just don't want to be rising all semester long.

Despite how slammed I currently am, I like what I'm reading and learning.

It's the writing that I could live without. I love the research aspect of history. I love amassing knowledge. I just hate writing papers.

I need to think for a moment about anything other than school...Work!

I love my job! I'm tutoring athletes. I haven't worked closely with athletes since I was a junior in high school (I was still a trainer my senior year, but a jealous boyfriend made that unpleasant; granted, I made my own choices, but I allowed him to influence me too much). I had forgotten how funny they are! For the most part, they're sweet boys and I'm glad to get to know them.

It's also kind of exciting to watch the game on TV and have the announcers talk about my students playing.

I know that I'm getting an MA in Public History to work in a museum. But this job has made me think about working with children. Maybe teaching history in an elementary school. I may check into getting a teaching certificate. Also, my classes have made me want to learn as much as I can...which is making me think of From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Oh, how I loved that book when I read it in the 5th grade! I have a copy; I may need to read it soon.

My Amazon spending got a bit out of control. I'm not sure how many Gene Kelly movies I've bought over the last two weeks. Quite a few. I just hope I get time before December to watch them. Either way, I know it was a good investment.

We've had a cool breeze lately, especially when I'm coming home from work at night. I just want to stand still and let it surround me, blow through my hair, run over me. I want to lean back into it and let it carry me away.

I just did a quick search on the four elements. I don't know what my astrological chart says, but I feel intuned to the water (which I know is the ascribed element to my sign, Scorpio) and the air. So, I pick those for my two elements.

Why do I feel this way? Because of my love for and enjoyment of both. I love the wind in my hair and the rain on my face. I love the massive thunderstorms that incorporate both. I feel pulled between practical (air) and feelings (water). The explanation says people with both feel pulled that way. And I do feel pulled in two directions in so many aspects of my life. But it's a good pulling.

What pulls you?

Christmas Break

2010-09-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

Not surprisingly, I always, always, always start books but don't finish them. Sometimes, rarely, it's because I flat out don't like the book. The vast majority of the time, I like the book perfectly fine, but I set it aside for whatever reason (usually ambivalence). I've decided that this year I'm going to use Christmas break to finish those books. I've got a large drawer in a side table in my living room. I'm going to put those cast aside friends in there and finish the books in that drawer over Christmas.

I like rules, so I'm going to set a couple of parameters. One, really. This is only going to count for books I've made significant progress with. So, all of those books I pick up when I'm in between reading gigs and can't decide what to read so I try a couple of pages? Yeah, those don't count. I'm talking books that I've read a good 150 pages.

This is a good plan because I like finishing what I start. And it will help when it gets to be the middle of December and I realize, "Oh, crap! I'm still 5 books away from finishing my goal of 52 books this year!" Inevitably, that will happen. Despite my best efforts to continue finishing books while school is in session. A quick look at my Goodreads "Books I've Read in 2010" list reveals that I have read 37 books thus far. (I know it says 40, but I know that 3 of those don't count because I only read them because they were for school and I said I was only going to count school books that I already had on my list) So, 15 more to go.

Right now, I'm reading 3 books. Leaves of Grass is a great morning book. It's nice to start the day somewhat inspired by the artistry of another. When I get my act together and have more free time during the day, I'd like to read this one a bit more often because fall and poetry just go together for me. I've been reading Time For One More Dance before bed. It's a really sweet story about a girl and Gene Kelly and is fun to read. Lastly, I've been carrying Swann's Way around with me. There's just something about the fall that makes me want to read poetry and books with long meandering sentences and no plot.

Just a quick FYI, I'm going to post a few book reviews soon so I can get caught up with the books I've read for the Gilmore Girls Reading Challenge. I need to run through the list and see what I've read and how far I need to go to complete my chosen level of participation.

Last thing. Promise. The Shred. I've done it two days in a row now. After the first day, I thought I was gonna die. I came to the conclusion that the people who actually lose 20 pounds must throw up from the stress of the workout. I did not partake in the throwing up, but I wanted to. I was pretty much wasted for the rest of the day. But I prevailed. I didn't quit. I'm tired of promising myself that I'm going to workout, etc but then it only lasts for a couple of days. I am finishing this thing, dammit! I am. It's only 20 minutes a day, which is great. I guess it's really like an hour once you factor in the necessary rest/recovery period, shower, and short nap afterwards. The second day really wasn't so bad. I still wanted to die. But I wanted to die a little, teeny tiny bit less than I did on Sunday. And I took fewer short breaks during the actual workout. I cannot wait to start seeing results!

Thoughts

2010-09-12T10:42:00.001-05:00

I'm rather fragmented right now, so I'll just share a few thoughts...

I bought the 30 Day Shred. Either I'm dedicated or I'm crazy. Stay tuned to find out...
I haven't been able to finish a novel in quite a while. There are so many I want to read. Yet, I feel pulled to poetry right now. And novels. And biographies. *Sigh*
But I'll be starting Whitman's Leaves of Grass today with MamaShepp, which should be exciting.
I've found one of the yummiest things ever--Greek Yogurt with Honey. Dannon makes a nice serving of it. 140 calories for 5.3oz yogurt. First bite, I wasn't quite sure. Second bite, I thought, "Hmm...maybe." Third bite, I was hooked. $1 at Walmart.
The weather looks like it's going to be reasonably nice for a few days. I'm hoping to sit in my rocking chair and read next to the open windows, so I can breathe in the fall scent...
Speaking of which, "they" should bottle the smell of fall. I think it's the leaves that really put me over the top.
The less free time I have on my hands, the better my free time becomes. The first week of class, when I had nothing going on, I couldn't even enjoy reading. But now that I have work and school and homework, my free time is quality. I guess that axiom "quality, not quantity" is pretty true, eh? Maybe I'll be able to settle down and get some reading done during said free time.
I made a couple of large dishes to eat on for a while--vodka pasta and four bean soup. I just can't do sandwiches and/or salad two nights a week for very many weeks in a row. Don't worry. I froze half of the soup and my dad ate two generous portions of the pasta. It won't go bad before I finish.
It's almost time for playoffs. Can you believe it? Not even two months until the end of baseball season.
I'm looking forward to the cooler weather because of the clothes...cardigans, sundresses with leggings, scarves, jeans. Only problem is that I need some cool weather shoes. Somehow, I've got mostly sandals. And I'm not too crazy about any of my jeans, but maybe after the 30 Day Shred...
I started my journal. It is exquisite. I love it. The leather just looks mysterious. And I get a thrill filling up those lines.

Happy Sunday, y'all!

A Few Things...

2010-09-06T17:18:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad to hear that no one is going to come after me with torches and pitchforks! I'll plan on October or possibly even November. I'm definitely looking forward to getting to utilize one of my favorite accessories--the scarf. I have this red one that looks fabulous with a black and white striped shirt. I feel so Parisian when I wear it. Basically, though, I'm just looking forward to not feeling like I just ran a couple of miles by the time I get to class. Too icky!

A few things:

I met some chicks on Twitter who love Gene Kelly as much as I do. It's nice to talk to them, until we start fighting over who Gene would fall for first if he were alive. Anyway, because of them my Gene Kelly movie buying spree has begun. I ordered 4 Gene Kelly movies from Amazon this past week. And a couple of biographies. Yeah, they're bad influences. But I like them anyway.

Grad school is flying by. It's so busy! But it's a good kind of busy. I like what I'm doing and reading, which lets me know that I made the right decision. I love the feeling of not fighting against the grain or beating my head on a brick wall. I love the peaceful feeling I get when I head into the classroom. I love being able to sleep well at night. I love that I don't want to fling my homework books across the room as I'm reading them. And I love that Public History is described, by a professional even, as being like jazz or pornography--easier to describe than define and you know it when you see it or hear it.

I start work this week. I've got 8 tutoring sessions planned. I'll be getting some more students soon so that I can get more hours. The important thing is that I'll be able to get on a schedule for class, work, homework, working out, and all of that other fun stuff. When I've got too much time on my hands, I'm way less productive than if I have to focus to fit it all in. I'll have time to get my homework done and still do what I love doing--reading, cooking, watching old movies, Champagne Thursdays (even if that has to occur on a different day). It'll be like finals week when I think I can't do it, but then I quickly realize that I'm getting stuff done way faster than I think I will.

I want to be inspired by something. I don't feel like I've been deeply inspired lately. I want to see or read or hear something that causes me to marvel at greatness. I want to feel something deeply within my core. I want to be in awe of some sort of beauty. I just don't know where to find that in Stillwater, OK. Better peruse my bookshelves...

I want to start my new journal because it's wonderful. But I don't know how to start. I want to write about something significant, not just a boring day-to-day happening. My goal for this journal is to write it like Sylvia Plath wrote hers. If you haven't checked out her journals, you should. She writes them like stories. There's a setting, a mood. I love her journals because she was just a normal girl like me. Of course, she had some demons that she had to wrestle with.

MamaShepp and I had an epiphany yesterday. I described a certain actor (not Gene Kelly!) who would be perfect for me, but he's married. And, as MamaShepp pointed out, a bit old for me. But, she conceded, she always pictured me marrying an older guy. I could too. So I've decided to cool my heels a bit, make it through grad school, get a fabulous job at a museum, and then I'll worry about Mr. Right. Chances are, since he'll be a bit older, I'll meet him in the real world and not on a college campus. That's wonderful because I'll have two more years of Champagne Thursdays, Gene Kelly movies in bed, eating at the kitchen counter while reading or still cooking, leaving the jar of peanut butter in the living room for 3 days, and whatever. I'm going to miss those things when I can't do them anymore, so I should enjoy them while I can and not really even think about Mr. Right. He'll happen when he happens and, for now, I'm OK with that.

Basically, right now I'm totally content to go with the flow and stay busy, but still take time for myself.

Better Idea

2010-09-02T08:38:00.000-05:00

I was looking at my 15 pieces of clothing this morning and I wanted to cry. It is simply too hot to be boxed in to wearing only 15 pieces of clothing. On days when I'm not going to class, I want to wear shorts. But I'd never wear shorts to class. My thinking is that it would be better to put this off until October when the temperature isn't a bajillion degrees out. Not that it will be nice and cool in October. Most days, I imagine, it will be in the upper 70s or 80s. I can deal with that.

Honestly, I feel pretty disgusting by the time I walk from my car to class. Not that I won't feel that way with different clothes, but I'll be able to pull off what I'm wanting to pull off with my 15 pieces when it's not a bajillion degrees out.

So, I'm putting this off until October. If you want to say I failed or that I'm punking out, so be it. I don't really care. I had my own reasons for doing this. My new plan will be to just try to get in the habit of mixing and matching this month. I have a large closet in my apartment and it's pretty full. While I like the clothes I brought (and bought), I don't wear all of them. So I want to try to wear as many pieces as possible in as many different combinations as possible.

Americana Switch

2010-09-01T07:45:00.000-05:00

So literally right after I posted my selected 15 items, I had a brilliant breakthrough. I remembered this article that I had seen about distinctly American style of clothing. I remembered loving the chic, but simple clothing that was involved. So I made a switch in my pieces. (I knew I shouldn't have posted them until this morning) I made the switch last night, before I wore any of the pieces. You can believe me or not and I don't really care because there's not 15:30 police who will arrest me. At least, not that I know of.

Anyway, I traded this:

Striped Long-sleeved Button-up, Purple T-shirt

For this:

Blue Striped Long-sleeved, Black Cigarette Pants

I think those two new items are even more basic and lovely, so I added them. Plus I was a little leery of 3 bottoms over the course of 30 days.

Anyway, that's it. That's what I'll be wearing for the next 30 days, unless the temperature drops significantly or I get asked out on a date.

I'm having serious issues with getting a good picture of me wearing the outfit. The flash keeps going off which, naturally, messes up the picture.

I'll be wearing the black pants with the red cardigan and a black tank. I'll wear pearls, black ballet flats and carry a black purse.

15:30--Selection Day

2010-08-31T21:17:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about it for a week, trying to decide would I participate and what would I pick. It was really tough deciding what 15 items I would wear for the next month because, here in Oklahoma, we have this saying: "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." In the past week, we've topped 100 and have dipped into the upper 60s. That's in the past 7 days. I kid you not. Luckily I read a blog written by another Oklahoman who was thinking about participating in this challenge. She came up with the following caveat for Oklahomans:

Each Wednesday, check the forecast for the next 7 days and adjust as needed, but ONLY in response to the weather. In other words, if the temperature drops from today’s near-100 high to something more appropriate for September (say, highs in the 70s) you can trade a tee for a long sleeved tee. But you cannot trade one tee for another just because you’re bored. That’s a no.

My big fear, seriously, was that it would suddenly be sweater weather and I'd be dressed for summer. Anyway, I promise I picked my clothes with the assumption that it will stay at or near surface of the sun temperatures.

I also have to put on another caveat. I'm in college. I live in an apartment. I do not own a washer or dryer, nor do I intend on going home every single weekend. If something gets dirty, I'm not going to pay to wash one item. Therefore, I reserve the right to swap an item for a similar--black t-shirt for black t-shirt, jeans for jeans, black pencil skirt for black pencil skirt, etc. I will note any swaps.

And if I get asked out on a date with some guy worthy of going out on a date with, I'll wear a dress that isn't in my 15 items. But I don't really plan on needing to invoke this last one.

All right, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for...the selection.

I chose the following:

Black Cardigan, Blue Cardigan, Red Cardigan, Brown Cardigan

Jeans, Black Pencil Skirt, Denim Pencil Skirt

White Long-Sleeved Button-Up, Striped Long-Sleeved Button-Up, Black Long-Sleeved, and White Long-Sleeved

Grey T-shirt, Black T-shirt, White T-shirt, and Purple T-shirt

You may think "Wow, those are all pretty plain!" That's because I read an article on minimalist clothing, which is "in" and piqued my curiosity. You do a lot of neutral colors. I own a lot of neutral colors, so it works. And the nice thing about neutral colors is that you can wear a wide variety of accessories, which is part of the point of this exercise.

In preparation for this, I didn't wear any of these clothes the past week. It was hard to come up with outfits without some of these items! My great white hope for this is that at the end of the month, I'll see my closet better and will see possibilities instead of the same combinations of clothes. I tend to wear the same shirts with the same skirts, same shirts with the same jeans, etc. I hope that this month will force me to experiment. I think it will.

Anyway, that's what I'll be wearing this month. What will you be wearing?

By the way, check back each day so you can see the combinations I come up with!

In other news, I filled my journal given to me by the evil New Jerseyian. The last ten pages are pictures of Gene Kelly. I started the journal by thinking I loved (what turned out to be) a rat, so I ended with examples of a real man. I also glued in book reviews I've written. I printed and filled out a few surveys, including the Proust questionnaire. Basically, I did everything I could to fill that stinkin thing as quickly as possible. Mischief managed.

I also received automotive help from a total stranger who "saw the Yankees tire cover and decided to stop." No joking. His words. Being a Yankees fan pays.

One Lovely Blog Award

2010-08-25T17:02:00.005-05:00

I received a comment from Allison at La Petite Fille Rousse that I was being awarded the One Lovely Blog award. Thanks buddy!

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his ot her blog link. Pass the award to other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know that they have been chosen for this award.

I'd say that the newest blog that I've discovered is Dead White Guys, which is written by the lovely Amanda, who is going through the classics (which I totally love and hope to read them all someday) and writing reviews of them in plain English. I laugh. I cry. I cry because I'm laughing so hard. You should definitely check it out.

Top Ten Tuesday (On Wednesday) - Books I Can't Believe I've Never Read

2010-08-25T07:48:00.003-05:00

I wasn't going to do this one because I felt like I was doing semi-OK on my reading. But after reading DeadWhiteGuy's list, I realized that I have been slacking as well.

So, here's my list, only in the order that I think of them:

1. Anything by Dickens that's not Great Expectations--I read Great Expectations one summer during college (Lord have mercy! I am actually saying that phrase now!) and I didn't like it a ton. I was supposed to read it again for a lit class my last semester, but I felt that once was enough. Basically, I'm not a huge fan of Dickens. That's OK. I am entitled to my opinion. But in order to be the snooty English major I feel I have the power to be, I think I need to read at least two more Dickens novels.

2. Moby Dick--This book has just been weighing on my conscience a lot lately. I really want to read it, so I imagine I'll give it a whack once the weather cools down. I don't know, something about whale hunting makes me think the weather should be cooler than the face of the sun. So, maybe I'll pick it up mid-October.

3. Little Women--The only reasons I'm surprised about this book are that I adored the movie when I was a kid (the 1990s version). Loved it. I wanted to read by candlelight, but my mom wouldn't let me because she thought it was silly and too warm. I'm also surprised because, from what I gather, this one isn't a very, very complicated novel that requires you to re-read sentences a couple of times to understand them. That's for 6 on the list.

4. Walden--This book isn't terribly long, only around 200 pages. I know the basic premise--man shuns society and camps out in the woods at a cabin for 2 years. I love this idea. I would love to gather some books, clothes, and other necessities and hide out for a week. I frequently tout that I would love to lead a Walden-esque life. But I haven't read the book. If I were ranking my list, this would go in the 1 or 2 spot.

5. Leaves of Grass--I own 4 copies of this (one of which I got for free on my nook). I really want to read it badly. I have ever since 2004 when The Notebook (which I loved watching) talked about this collection. I do believe I bought a copy of this before I saw that movie though, which tells me that I've wanted to read it for quite some time. At least 6 years I have owned at least 1 copy without ever reading the entire thing. The past few nights, I've been picking up this, Walden, Out of Africa and Gonzo (a Hunter S. Thompson biography) and trying to decide which one to read to completion. And nada. I can't decide. They all keep jumping out at me. This does not bode well.

6. Swann's Way--I actually read the first 50 or 60 pages of this book last year. I liked it. I liked meandering down the French garden paths. I liked the sentences that babbled along like a brook. It was so poetic. A great study of language. I know you don't read Proust for plot, so I was reading for the language. I alternate between short, direct Hemingway-esque writing and long, flowing Proust-ian writing. I like both.

7. Jane Eyre--I don't know a lot about this book other than a lot of my friends seem to like it. Though my mom and grandma might not believe it, sometimes I'm a joiner.

8. Mrs. Dalloway--It's a short book. I should have read this. Again, I know that not much is going to happen...but I believe the narrative style will be fantastic.

9. The Portable Dorothy Parker--She's witty. I love wit. I want to read this. I will read this. Anyone who can be given the task of "use 'horticulture' in a sentence" and come up with "you can lead a 'horticulture' but you can't make her think" is aces in my book. I want to read this.

10. War and Peace--This one is put into this spot because I feel least badly about not having read it. I still feel like I need to read it in order to be snooty, but I finished Anna Karenina. I'm sure they're quite vastly different, but I don't feel like a total and complete utter loser/failure for not having read this yet. I think I'll feel that way if I finish grad school without having read it.

Well, there you have it. Ten books that I can't believe I haven't read. Maybe I can finish all of these before the end of the semester...OK, maybe not War and Peace or the Dickens books, but I have a sporting chance at the rest of the books. Yes, yes, that will be my task....

I feel like I need to add a couple of honorable mentions--All the Kings Men, The Old Man and the Sea, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and Brideshead Revisited.

Sunday, Sunday

2010-08-22T18:35:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was an absolute success. I had a movie day and night. I watched The Misfits (this one made me think about what happens when your way of lie is dying out), Paris When It Sizzles (what a trippy movie!), Brigadoon (emotional rollercoaster, let me tell you!), The Seven Year Itch (champagne and potato chips!), and On the Town (Gene Kelly in white sailor pants for two hours, but back off--he's mine). Obviously, I got nothing accomplished. But I'm kinda glad. I probably won't have this blessing again until the end of the semester.

My parents came up for lunch today. My living room and dining room were huge messes. Seriously--movies, books, random articles of clothing, blankets, pillows, etc were scattered all over. Lucikly I got it all put up before they arrived. We ate lunch. Then we discovered that there had been a mouse problem in my kitchen at some point over the summer. And that pretty much ate up the rest of the afternoon. I'm a bit miffed that my parents left me here with who knows how many rodents running about. The thing is that I called the front office 2 weeks ago to let them know that the mouse trap had sprung and I was too afraid to check it. They never came by. Thank goodness my dad came over today. I plan on giving them a piece of my mind tomorrow.

Tomorrow afternoon, I go in and get all registered and trained as a tutor. I'll get my last textbook. I also plan on watching Gone With the Wind at some point tomorrow. And I have class tomorrow evening. I can't believe it--I start grad school tomorrow. I'm getting old. :(

On to other things...

As annoyed as I can get by it, Twitter can be a good thing, especially if you follow the right people. One person gave me two ideas today. The first is #complainfreemondays. Personally, I hate Mondays more than the next guy. They just rub me wrong and I remind myself of Garfield cartoons of yore. (Please note: that was 4 different Garfield cartoons and you should check them out) I always make an enormous cup of coffee on Mondays and then I even stop in at Starbucks most of them time. No more. Sort of. #complainfreemondays says that I should only tweet good things that happen to me. I'm going to try it tomorrow. It could be a quiet day for me in Twitterland.

The other thing I found on Twitter today was the 15:30 challenge. The thing is that you pick out 15 items of clothing (jeans, shirts, skirts, cardigans) and mix and match only those 15 items with accessories (shoes, purses, jewelry, scarves, etc) for the entire 30 days of September. I think I'm gonna do it. I picked out 15 items. I'm going to hang them separately from my other clothes so I can think about it for a week. My only fear is that Oklahoma has the most ridiculous weather patterns, um, on the face of the planet, so it could very well be sweater weather by the end of the month, but I won't know it until I wake up and it doesn't get past 40 degrees all day. I'm going to try it though.

Whirlwind

2010-08-21T08:17:00.002-05:00

I should always remember that the last week before school starts is always a whirlwind of every possible thing you could imagine. No matter how busy your summer was, that last week is always a good ten times busier. Don't get me wrong--good things happened in that last week. But there wasn't much time to breathe.

I worked four days last week instead of just one. It was a good week of work. I liked the people I spent all day with. And I felt like we did a good business. It was kind of ironic and perhaps poignant that, like my first tour was just sprung on me, so was my last. No one came for my last slot at 4:00 last Saturday, so my 2:00 tour was my last. It was a good tour though. I look back and realize that there's not a whole lot I would have done better or differently. It was nice to go out with a bit of a bang. I also got a couple of parting gifts, such as the necklace that I'd been eyeing all summer, which was the only thing I wanted that I didn't actually buy. A customer in the shop said it would go well with my blue eyes, which are actually green.

I came back to my apartment on a Wednesday. I had a ton of stuff to carry upstairs, then a friend was coming over to watch Gilmore Girls and have a junk food night. I was very tempted to cancel because I knew I wouldn't be able to have fun until things were mostly put away. She came over around 4:00 and we worked until close to 8:00. My friend cut and put in my shelf paper for me because I can't cut in a straight line to save my life.

I also got a job. About 20 hours a week tutoring. I'll have several one-on-one students to tutor and I'll be the facilitator for an online class of 15 people, which basically means I have to watch them do their assignments, make sure they understand the readings, and that they properly hit the "submit" button. Initially, I thought this job was only going to be 10 hours a week and I was going to have to find another part time job. But it worked out well and this will be my only job.

Almost all of the rest of the time has been spent either buying stuff for my apartment or doing stuff to my apartment (putting away, rearranging, etc). I'm still very much not ready for school to start on Monday, but, I guess, at least I won't have the chance to get bored. So the whirlwind continues...

Break

2010-08-10T08:49:00.002-05:00

I unintentionally took an almost one month long break from blogging. The further away I got from my last post, the harder it was to write something new and the easier it was to put it off and walk away.

Summer is winding down dramatically fast. In just over a week, I go back to my apartment to stay for good...until the next time I come home, which won't be until after school starts. And here's a secret--I'm not ready. This summer has positively flown by and instead of feeling relaxed, I'm reeling with the stress and busy-ness (business?) of it. As much as I love my job, I'm not 100% keen on spending the next 4 days working instead of spending 3 days reading and 1 day working.

I remember writing a list of goals at the beginning of summer. I don't think I actually accomplished any of them. Some were rather lofty (read 30 books this summer) and others were simple (start a flower garden). The garden never was planted...but I did water my mom's garden a few times. Once, actually. And I didn't read 30 books...but I finished 19. I probably would have, could have finished 30 I hadn't started reading a 937 page book (which I'll talk more about later) last week.

The summer wasn't without it's good aspects. I got a job that I love. I really like my co-workers. And they offered me the opportunity to do my internship there next summer. I was never bored. I got over 100 free books (of course, I had to stay the night in a house that was not as nice as some bathrooms I've refused to go into and had a dead bird in the only working bathroom). I read a couple of books that have become favorites (namely, East of Eden; I can't wait to read more Steinbeck!).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my summer wasn't as bad as it may sound. It was just very busy and rather stressful.

OK...the 937 pager. It's Hawaii by Michener. I absolutely love it! Somehow, I started really craving Hawaii. I decided to buy Blue Hawaii because I love that movie and it has my favorite Elvis song in it. I did a search on books about Hawaii and found Michener's epic. It tells the story of the creation of Hawaii from volcanic eruptions until just before it becomes a state. I haven't finished yet. I'm not even halfway. But I sit and just read for hours. The characters are so engrossing. The story just pulls you in and you can't help but react. I think everyone who is interested in Hawaii should read this novel.

And I said so when my dad's family came over for lunch on Sunday. But almost everyone had already read it! There was that sadness you get when you stumble across a book you've never even heard of and you love it, you think you're the only person in the world who's ever read this gem. Since it's so amazing, you start recommending it to people and they say, "Oh yeah, I read that one years ago." And you're all, "Hey, man! Why didn't you let me know?" Your bubble is burst because you want to share the words of this novel with everyone and the words feel like your own...but then you find out that they're not; other people have been with this book.

I was just as sad as when I found out that almost everyone and their dog has already read Gone With the Wind.

5 Random Things in my Room

2010-07-19T21:29:00.008-05:00

Well, Jess tagged me in a post to take pictures of 5 things in my room and then post them. I obliged. Now I nominate the following people to carry on this fun little exercise (and I'm cool with it not being of things in your room; things in your house is totally acceptable):

1. Lizzi at Life According to Lizzi
2. MamaShepp at Lit and Life
3. Brenda at My Spring Snow
4. Sarah at Enjoy the Little Things
5. Michelle at WhichWayDidSheGo

So, here are a few of my favorite random things in my room:

This is Teddy. We've been best buds forever. He listens to me when I need to talk to someone or cry. One time he ate some cheese. He's spent a night in the apple tree at my old house. I was utterly inconsolable. I don't know what I'd do without Teddy and I hope to never find out. That's about all I can say other than I love Teddy.

This is the desk that my papa made for me when I was 8 or 9. It houses my favorite books (Gone With the Wind, To Kill a Mockingbird, Peyton Place, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, A Farewell to Arms to name a few) as well as the Harry Potter series. There are pictures of me, me and my dad, and me and my mom on there. It's where I do my correspondence when I'm at home. Unfortunately a lot of junk accumulates on it until it's unuseable, so I have to clean it off. I moved a few piles to my bed so I could take the picture. Um, you can also see my dirty clothes pile. Oh, the desk also has 2 secret compartments and a locking drawer. My papa signed it like he does all of the things he makes for me.

This is the journal I bought for myself yesterday. It's still in the package because I want it to be in good condition when I fill that really cool journal I got from that really bad person. It's so tempting for me to just set that cool journal aside and use this one, but I'd like to finish it. The thing I really like about this journal is that it reminds me of the one Sebastian had in Cruel Intentions, although I'm definitely NOT planning on filling it with the things he filled his with (which was basically a description of his many conquests).

This is a shot of the ring my papa gave me when I was 15. I never pass up an opportunity to show it off to everyone because I love this ring. I'm sorry it's not a very good picture. The lighting would probably have been better in the afternoon, but I took this picture at 9:00 at night. It's a ruby and some diamonds. I go through phases where I wear it on my left hand and phases where it's on the right. I've got it on my right hand at the moment and occasionally I'll put a fancy decorative ring on my left hand. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get engaged because I won't want to take off the ruby ring so I can wear various cocktail rings. I guess the diamond will have to come off.

I love this dress. It totally reminds me of Breakfast at Tiffany's and I feel just like Holly when I wear it. Unfortunately, I've only worn it in public once to the History Banquet in May. But maybe I'll get more opportunities as a glamorous graduate student. In this shot, you can also see two pictures of me (at 8 and 15) in Civil War era clothing. I had a blast doing those pictures, especially the color one because I got to walk around in a hoop skirt! In the bottom left corner, you can see the blue bear, which doesn't have a name, and the little white one I've called Beau ever since I can remember.

Vacation, Part 2

2010-07-18T13:46:00.002-05:00

Thursday we went to the mall. "We" being my grandparents, mom, cousins, and I. I think it worked because I told my grandparents the options--the mall or Kemah. Once they decided on the mall, I said we needed to decide whether we were going to eat at my aunt's house or eat at the mall because if we were eating at my aunt's then we needed to grab me a bite to eat on the way there. So, I guess saying, "Here are your choices, pick one" worked better than simply asking "What do you want to do?"

At first, I was thinking the trip to the mall was a very bad idea. But it got a bit better as time passed. I even returned to the mall later that evening to exchange the Lego set my cousin got because it was missing a piece or two. I bought some Lancome makeup so I could get the cool free gift. (Yeah, I don't spend much on makeup unless a really cool free gift comes with it)

Friday was even better. We went to eat at a Cajun restaurant. Then my aunt and I ran to Half Price Books and the mall. While at the mall, I bought two pairs of boyfriend pants from Loft because they had a 50% off of sale prices promotion going. Each pair cost $10. And I wasn't sure about which of two sizes I needed. I was happily surprised when I needed the smaller size because of the obvious and because they didn't have the khaki colored ones in the larger size. After we got back, I crashed on the couch with my mom. Then my grandparents were ready to go back to the hotel, but I had serious reservations about it because that room was too oppressively small. So, I hung out at my aunt's for another couple of hours and watched TV with my mom. Interestingly, we watch a House about a girl who blogged every single event of every single day--fights with her boyfriend, medical decisions she had to make, observations about her doctors, etc.

We left the next morning. I was ready to eat around 12:30. But my grandma wanted to eat BBQ at this place 85 miles further along the road. I wasn't thrilled because I was hungry then and I didn't want BBQ but I didn't protest because I was trying to at least do something selfless out of appreciation for my grandparents paying for my hotel and all. When we got to the place, it was closed for the week. I didn't say anything, but I was seething. We wound up eating at a bad BBQ place across the road. I wasn't going to eat anything out of protest, but I wound up eating a mediocre baked potato that cost $3.50.

We continued our trek north. My papa decided that we'd press on home instead of stopping halfway. Everyone was fine with this because it was only 5:00 and we were less than 4 hours from home. So we kept on. About 45 minutes from home, grandma lost it. She had been PROMISED that we wouldn't drive straight through...even though we stopped about every hour.

We finally made it home. And not a minute too early.

I wish I could say that I had several pictures but I don't. I didn't take a single picture. I didn't do much writing. I didn't do much reading. I didn't play video games. I didn't watch a lot of TV. I don't know what the sam holy hill I did all week.

But mom and I learned a lot. Like, next time, we're going to take our own car too so that we can do our own thing. I learned that I appreciate a person who can make a decision, grab their gear, and be out the door in 15 minutes or less. To me, that's what vacation is about--you can sit and read as much as you want, but you can decide to do something whenever you feel like it, rather than needing to plan everything out in advance. Make a check list of things you could or would like to do at your destination and then do those things if and when you feel like it.

Anyway, I'm ready for life (and summer) to go back to normal-ish...

Vacation, Part 1

2010-07-15T07:51:00.002-05:00

I've been on vacation since Sunday. We left around 10:30, drove until 1:00 and stopped for lunch, and drove until 4:50 or 5 and stopped for the night. We were roughly halfway there ("there" being Houston). My mom and I went hunting for pizza. We wound up buying a frozen lasagna and a loaf of French bread that we heated up in our microwave. It was actually pretty darn good. Then we watched the Harry Potter marathon until 10:00. The next morning, we left at 9:00, stopped for lunch around 12:00 or 12:30, and made it to my aunt's house at around 3:30. It is roughly 9 hours from Tulsa to my aunt's house in Pearland. We took 29 hours to get there.

My mom and I were so ready to get out of the car. I began remembering why I haven't opted to come down here since I was 16. In other words, I started off on a bad foot...then, I went from bad to worse.

I think that problem was that I had too many expectations. I didn't really think about having to fit my vacation around my aunt's family's schedules. I'm good at picking up and just going or sitting and reading until we do go. So the hour that it took us to decide to go to the beach and the 30 or 45 minutes it took for my cousins to gather up all of their beach stuff really wore on me. It felt like more work that going to the beach was worth, which is a shame because the beach is supposed to be lovely.

And it was. I sat on the towels and read for a while. I thought some great thoughts that I wished I could have written down. (See, I've been reading Sylvia Plath's journals again and my writing feels so inadequate, so any deep thought I have I want to capture) But I finally got lonely and joined my mom and cousins in the water.

Yesterday, I learned that I am a worn out woman. I saw my aunt reading this book and I read the back. It sounded a bit familiar. So, I got the free sample downloaded to my nook. The 14 pages I read made me think I needed to buy the book. I did. I read further and found out just how worn out I am: serious, close to severe. I didn't think I was that bad, but there you go.

I also realized that yesterday was a better day because I didn't have any expectations or hopes for the day. I started feeling really bad because everyone is trying and I'm just not appreciating their efforts. I'm not being gracious, which really upset me when I thought about it.

I finished The Crowning Glory of Calla Lily Ponder yesterday. It was quite a lovely book. It reaffirmed to me how sometimes you have to go through something really quite awful, how you have to wait quite a while before you're truly able and ready to accept and appreciate life. You just have to go through a lot of stuff that you don't understand or want before you get to an end. Maybe the end is what you want, maybe it's better than you ever could have imagined. It definitely coincided with my belief that you have to be ready to read a certain book otherwise you won't appreciate it or you won't finish.

I've definitely rambled a lot. I'll write about the second half of my vacation after it happens.

Review--The Legend of Bagger Vance

2010-06-29T18:38:00.001-05:00

The Legend of Bagger Vance by Steven Pressfield

I didn't like this book. It was nothing like the movie, which I loved. I'm not really sure how the screenplay came from this book. Bagger Vance was far more of a mystical character in the book, even taking Junah, Hardy, and a character a couple of generations younger than Hardy to a fierce battle that took place 21,000 years earlier. The character of Adele, whom I loved in the movie, was really nonexistent, which was a bummer to me. Another factor, I'm sure, in my dislike of this book is my avid dislike of golf. It never fails to make me want to take a nap. This book describes in great detail several of the 36 holes that Junah and the other two golfers played at the tournament that is the driving plotline. If you like golf, you'd probably find this book interesting. If you want a book that is like the movie, look elsewhere.

Thrilling Thursday

2010-06-24T19:13:00.004-05:00

I've pretty much lost track of days. Honestly, I thought today was Monday. The good news is that I knew I had work today and had to get up early and get to Bartlesville.

I was less than thrilled on my way to work because I was a little tired of observing tours. And I didn't really want to do it for two more days. But about halfway to work I saw it from the perspective that my bosses are kinda showing me from an administrative point of view that you have work with the volunteers that you get, even if they're less than stellar.

I started observing my first tour. When we were on the second floor, a coworker came and asked me if I wanted to lead a tour for a church group. I figured, "Church people are nice; this will work." I was so super excited that I could hardly contain myself. I had about 20 minutes before they got to the house. Naturally, I grabbed a swig of water...and called my mom. She didn't answer. Then I texted 3 friends to tell them my good news.

The tour went wonderfully. The group was really nice. They laughed at my jokes. Even the coworker who was observing me laughed. It was a huge confidence booster. I was really pleased when I realized I wasn't needing my notecards to provide an informative tour. My coworker jumped in a couple of times to mention a couple of things that, in her words, the group probably wouldn't have even missed if I'd left them out altogether.

Once it was over, she told me that I did wonderfully. And the group wouldn't have known it was my first tour if I hadn't have told them (the group told me I was doing wonderfully after I confided that in them). She said I didn't give any inaccurate information. The only things that I didn't quite yet have down were things I could only learn in time.

I went in and talked to the director. He told me that he was very pleased with me and that just about everyone he spoke to had wonderful things to say about me. He was very impressed with how well and how quickly I picked up everything. And he asked if I'd be interested in continuing my job once school started. He understands that it's a ways of a drive from my school. But that he even asked me after only 4 days of training made me feel pretty good. He told me that he saw me doing very well as a director of a museum and doing well wherever I went. He mentioned a potential directorship at another museum that he thought I should apply for. You have to have a masters, but he thought it might be OK that I was working on mine. He also said I might be too green, but it was worth it to apply and see what the process is like. Naturally, all of this made me feel about 10 feet tall.

Next week I’ll observe the archivist and work with the lady who is cataloguing the library. Pretty soon I’ll observe the director and see what his job entails. Everything is going so well right now!

Monday

2010-06-21T15:45:00.005-05:00

I've had a really busy weekend and Monday....

I wrote my science paper and did my lab on Saturday. Thankfully my mom helped with the lab because it would have taken quite a while otherwise.

On Sunday, we went back to my grandparents' house for Father's Day and my grandma's birthday. We had hamburgers, which definitely are not my favorite. I wasn't a fan of any of the food we had really, but it was good because then I didn't over-eat.

Today...It felt like a full day pretty early. I got my book review written for this new blog over here that you should check out so you can see what the cool kids are reading. I found a taker for the remainder of the stuff I bought for the snake in the grass. I got that stuff mailed off. I put the other stuff that remained in a box in the top of my closet. (One Champagne Thursday, I'll go through all of my ex stuff and pare it down. I mean, do I really need the 3-inch binder of notes from one of my exes? Gracious heavens, no!) Then my mom and I ran to a few places. I have a headache now. The two might be related; I'm not entirely sure.

And now....for your enjoyment....

The Top Ten Things I'm Loving About Summer:

1. Baseball. (I mean, really, what else can you say about that?)

2. Reading.

3. Peaches.

4. Grilling out. The chicken! The green bell peppers and red onion!

5. That moment when you first wake up...you know, that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? I love the birds and the soft light in my room, the feel of the light quilt on my bed, and the moment I realize that anything is possible for the day. (OK, maybe I ripped part of that off from somewhere)

6. The clothes! I'm loving the shorts and short skirts I bought in May and the cute little sundresses. It's too hot to wear pants and sleeves, my friends!

7. Lightning bugs.

8. The thought of setting out the pool once my schedule finally settles down and I'll be home more days a week than I'm gone (which should be starting next Sunday)

9. The lack of constant responsibility.

10. The slowness and simplicity of it all. There's no real rush to do anything. Stopping for an extra simple pleasure isn't a problem. Saying "I'll go after I finish this chapter" isn't a big deal. An extra scoop of ice cream for after supper dessert is allowed. It's been quite a Southern summer so far.

What are you loving about summer? You don't have to list 10 things, although kudos if you do.

Too Tired Tuesday

2010-06-15T18:29:00.002-05:00

I'm absolutely exhausted this evening. I had my first day of work today. For those of you who don't know, I got a job here.

It's so cool! I started out at the quilt-making workshop,where I got the directions to make a French braid quilt. I believe I'll make myself a curl-up-on-the-couch-and-read quilt. If it goes well and you're nice to me, I might make a quilt for you. I was only there for an hour, but I got the lady to give me the dimensions and amount of materials I'd need for the crib quilt (which is 45" X 60" and is what I'll make, though I might make it 60" by 60" square), the lap quilt (which is 36" X 60"), and the queen sized bed quilt (which I might make if I get super ambitious one day).

After that I went on a 1-on-1 tour with one of the docents and, while going through her typical tour spiel, she told me a bit about tour-giving. Then we had lunch. Then I learned how to run the gift store. I bought a copy of Oil Man, which is like the Bible around the museum. I can't wait to read it! Although I might not get the opportunity to do it before the end of summer. I'll definitely make a concerted effort though.

Tomorrow I'm going on the walking tour that the community is doing of the historical homes on the same street as the museum. And then I get to sit through (and participate in) the jewelry making workshop. I am so excited! I'll do more tour observation on Thursday.

Then I'm home for the weekend, getting caught up on my science class, which I'm definitely not looking forward to. It'll be back to my grandparents' on Sunday for Father's Day and my grandma's birthday. I got everyone super cool presents, so I can't wait to give them all.

Even though I haven't gotten to read much today...even though I was on my feet all day...even though I have a ton of information to read and memorize...even though I'm positively exhausted, I'm so blissfully happy right now.

Review--Lady Chatterley's Lover

2010-06-14T09:42:00.002-05:00

Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence

This is one of those books that I've been meaning to and trying to read for years. I'd pick it up and get a few chapters into it, but I'd wind up setting it aside because other things stood out to me more. Anyway, I finally finished it on my nook. (I don't know what it is about my nook, but it feels like I read faster on it) I wouldn't call this book life-changing, but I am glad that I read it. I think Lawrence does a good job exploring a woman's inner thoughts and feelings toward her husband, especially at a time when it wasn't really an option to not marry if one didn't feel like it. Add on top of that the husband is paralyzed from the waist down about a month after getting married. Tough stuff. I understood Connie's need and desire for excitement, for a change of pace, for something to call her own, even though we definitely are not in the same situation. I think a lot of this book is about yearning for a different life and that's something that a lot of us can relate to.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-06-08T08:50:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't had a regular post in a while. I did several book reviews to get myself caught up on MamaShepp's Gilmore Girls Reading Challenge. Right now I'm housesitting for my uncle. My online class started yesterday and I hate it already. We're planning a trip to Houston after my aunt and cousins get back from Japan. I haven't really been doing much other than reading and hanging out, which has been amazing and just what I needed. Here's today's Ten on Tuesday and I'll get back to normal posting soon.

1. What does your car say about you? If you don’t have a car, what kind of car would be your daily driver?
I have a dark blue Jeep Liberty. I think it says that I am prepared to carry a lot of stuff, but I’m kinda girly too. Maybe something in there about being adventurous since it has four wheel drive. I don’t really know much about cars and what they say.

2. To this point, what has been your purpose on this planet?
I haven’t really done anything spectacular outside of graduating college, which is expected in my family, so it’s not really a stand out thing. And I’m 22, so I don’t think I’ve really gotten too far along on the road to fulfilling my purpose. That said, I think I’m definitely on the right road because my life has gotten so much better and simpler since pursuing this history route. I’m confident that I’m heading in the right direction.

3. If you could trade places with any person for any amount of time, who would it be?
Ooh! Tough one! I think I’d want to change places with Thoreau during the two years and two months he was at Walden because that would have been awesome! Or maybe change places with Hemingway because he did some really cool things during his life—experienced and reported on wars, went big game hunting in Africa, was an expatriate writer. Or possibly Jackie Kennedy because she did some really cool things too and they were more feminine than Hemingway’s experiences.

4. What is your favorite kind of cake? If you don’t like cake, what is it about it that you don’t like?
I’d have to say my favorite kind is strawberry cake with no icing. Or white cake with no icing is all right. I definitely do not like store-bought cakes. I told my mom that when I get married, I want her to make me a box cake and everyone else can have a nasty expensive cake.

5. Would you have wanted to live in your parents’, grandparents’ or great-grandparents’ generation or only your own?
My grandparents’ because they were born during the Depression, so I think they have a toughness and resilience that many people lack today. They lived through some pretty big moments in history and they were adults at a pretty great time to be an adult.

6. Do you have any home remedies for illnesses, cleaning or otherwise?
Ummm…My remedy for a migraine is to lie in the dark and quiet and pray for death. Or to call my mom when I’m sick and whine about it. Whining just makes you feel better sometimes. And a Coke over ice is pretty much the ultimate cure-all.

7. What is your ideal weather situation?
Mid-70s to low-80s is nice when it’s sunny. I also love a really big spring and summer storm, which usually occurs when it’s around that temperature.

8. What is your best attribute (physical or personal)?
I really like my eyes! I think they have a great shape and a great coloring. I don’t really know what my good personal attributes would be (feel free to comment on any). I like to think my ability to identify when someone is about to cry and then steer the conversation in a different direction to avoid the crying is a good attribute, but I don’t know.

9. Do you text or surf while driving?
I used to text while driving. Now I’ll do it at stoplights or when I’m not driving.

10. How long have you known your best friend?
I have (and have had) a lot of best friends. They range from 9 months of acquaintance to 22 years.

Review--The Outsiders

2010-06-02T08:58:00.002-05:00

The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

This was a reread for me. And, of course, I loved it even more this time around. I think that Hinton had an amazing gift to be able to capture the voice of a young greaser when she was sixteen. I really wish that she had produced a few more things and possibly graduated from YA books. But I should be content with what she did give us. I really like the voice and the emotion that the narrator generates. It's an excellent social commentary that transcends young, and even early, adulthood. It calls to mind Atticus Finch's note that you never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it. Ponyboy is surprised to learn that even Socs have problems, even Socs watch the sunset. You come away with the belief that maybe we're not so different after all, that we're not entirely one thing or another but just people. (Except, of course, when it comes to Yankees and Red Sox; that's just different)

Review--Slaughterhouse-Five

2010-06-01T10:37:00.002-05:00

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

This was my first experience with Vonnegut. And I liked his style well enough to buy some of his other stuff. I really liked the narrative voice in this book. The narrator has to deal with and slowly remembers what happened during the firebombing of Dresden in World War II. It's like digging a picture out of mud--at first it's coated, then you wipe it off and it's clearer, then you wipe it again and it's even more clear, and so on, until the full picture is visible. I like that the narrative kept going over what happened and revealed more details each time. It reminded me of Catch-22, a favorite of mine, in that respect. This was a pretty short and quick read that I'd been meaning to get to for a few years. For whatever reason, it just clicked and held my interest. I look forward to reading more of Vonnegut in the future.

Review--Franny and Zooey

2010-06-01T10:28:00.002-05:00

Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger

OK...I read this book at the beginning of January, so it's been a while...This book was OK in my opinion. I think I liked The Catcher in the Rye better because it felt stronger and more cohesive. This book has two points of view, Franny's and Zooey's. I liked Franny better, although Zooey holds most of the book. (But, I suppose, if you really get down to it, most of the story is about Franny anyway) It's a pretty good psychological profile of a family and the way changes in the family dynamic affect an individual. I may try to reread this book again in the future.

Review--The Bell Jar

2010-06-01T10:20:00.002-05:00

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

This is the second time I've read this novel and I finished it in about a day because I just couldn't put it down. I think I enjoyed it more the second time around, although I liked it the first time as well. I think what helped me get more out of it the second time was that I'd been reading her journals because this book is largely autobiographical. Sylvia has an amazing way of describing her character's descent into madness. The struggle and the emotions. For obvious reasons, the narrator is realistic in her storytelling. It's hard to say a lot about this book because different people react differently to the subject matter. I'll just say that parts of this novel made me laugh and parts made me want to cry, but all of it made me think. My journaling picked up quite a bit around the time that I read this because I was being so introspective. Overall, I feel that every girl, every woman needs to read this at least once before graduating college (and a few times throughout her adult life).

Review--The Sun Also Rises

2010-06-01T10:11:00.002-05:00

The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway

This was my fourth Hemingway and I'd say it's tied (with A Farewell to Arms) for favorite. There are so many wonderful things I'd like to say about this book. But I'll just go with the strongest feeling I had while reading it--I wanted to run away to Italy or France and become a foreign correspondent for an English language newspaper. I really liked how the main character, Jake Barnes, lived. I think that this novel gives an excellent feel for Hemingway's infamous narrative style. The sentences were, for the most part, short and direct. They were blunt. They told you how to feel and what to think. And I appreciated that. This would be a really good novel to read if you've never read Hemingway before because, as already mentioned, it gives a good taste of his style and it's pretty short, so if you don't like, it's not like you've wasted too much time. A lot has been said about Hemingway's treatment of his female characters. Of all of the Hemingway I've read, Lady Brett Ashley is my favorite of his females because she's not terribly passive. She's stronger and she has (and knows) her own mind.

Review--The Sound and the Fury

2010-05-26T11:05:00.002-05:00

The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner

I actually read this book back in March and I'm just getting around to reviewing it now because life has been hectic. Every year since i began college, for whatever reason, I've really wanted to read something by Faulkner at the beginning of spring. It was like clockwork. I never gave in because i was also reading something else. But this year, I decided to read The Sound and the Fury, despite being in the middle of two other books. It wasn't a favorite, but I'm glad I read it. Personally, I felt the book was difficult to understand because the first two narrators were mentally handicapped and deranged, respectively, which made it very difficult to really understand what was going on in the first half of the book. I finally looked at the Wikipedia page, which gave a plot summary that put together the pieces. Understanding what was going on helped me appreciate Faulkner's experiment. I really enjoy Faulkner and the world he creates. I think he's one of the greatest Southern lit writers because his characters are not just stereotypes; they're more complicated than that.

Review--Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

2010-05-26T10:46:00.002-05:00

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson

I read most of this book at my grandparents' house. It was a quick read and I enjoyed it very much. I think that Thompson has a gift for creating a mood that transports the reader to the environment that he's writing about. This was the second book that I've read by him. The first was The Rum Diary, which I immensely enjoyed, and it was quite reminiscent of a Hemingway novel--a writer is in a foreign land, he makes some new friends who are also writers, they drink a lot, yet they still get really interesting opportunities. Fear and Loathing was similar to that, except instead of drinking a lot, the narrator (whom I assume is Thompson since this has a non-fiction tag) is stoned out of his mind on all sorts of pills. Some of the situations are quite comical and the stone cold sober reader can appreciate their humor. Other situations are so drug addled that the stone cold sober reader scratches their head, but continues reading because it's just an interesting read. I can't wait to read Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72 to see how the two compare. This book made me buy Thompson's biography, Gonzo: The Life of Hunter S. Thompson so that I could read more about him. I also want to watch the Johnny Depp film adaptation because so many people felt this would be an impossible book to adapt.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-05-25T08:09:00.002-05:00

1. What is your favorite piece of furniture in your house?

This is tough! I really love most of the furniture in my apartment—the rocking chair, my dining room table, and my dresser. I love the rocking chair because, next to the window, it’s a perfect place to read. I love the dining room table because has two leaves the fold up or down, so I can adjust how big it is. It’s old and solid and I see family dinners eaten around it. And I love my dresser because it looks so cool! When I got it, it was painted an awful brown. I decided to strip the paint off and then do something else. Once I started stripping the paint, it had a lovely blue layer and a white layer. I left it stripped with blue, white, wood, and brown showing. It looks wonderful! I also made my mom get old glass knobs for it. The knobs wound up costing more than we paid for the dresser, which makes me laugh.

2. If it was raining so hard on a Saturday that you couldn’t leave your house, what would you spend the day doing?

I’d read! Probably on the back porch. And I’d cook a fabulous meal that I wouldn’t normally cook because of time or whatever (assuming I had the ingredients already). Knowing me, I’d possibly go for a walk in the rain and then scurry upstairs to take a hot bath…and read some more.

3. What was your favorite candy as a child?

I have always been a Snickers girl. Other candies have been added over the years. But Snickers has been the constant.

4. Did you get an allowance? What was it based on? What did you do with it?

Yes, I got an allowance. I got $3 a week from my mom for emptying the trash, putting away the silverware from the dishwasher, and keeping my rooms tidy. My allowance was pretty much mine to spend if I wanted something my mom wouldn't buy for me.

5. Do you have a favorite Etsy store?

No. I don’t even know what this is and I don’t think I want to know.

6. Do you prefer time with family or time with friends?

I’ll have to go with family on this one. Most of the people I could hang out with are quite unreliable about showing up on time. Of course, there are some friends from around the country that I’d love to spend time with.

7. Looney Tunes, Tiny Toons, or Animaniacs?

I loved Looney Tunes and Animaniacs. I don’t know why I loved Looney Tunes so much, but I still enjoy watching them. I don’t have a favorite character. I loved Animaniacs because the characters were insane! I loved Pinky and the Brain! They were my favorites. Narf!

8. Best daytime talk show: Oprah, Ellen, The Doctors, Tyra (ha!), Dr. Oz, or Dr. Phil?

I don’t watch any of these...but it definitely would NOT be Tyra.

9. Would you rather have the power of invisibility or the ability to fly?

I guess I’ll have to go with the ability to fly. People who say the power of invisibility are usually perceived as sneaky…

10. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult.

Champagne Thursdays! And I love it when I act like an adult and handle things well because there’s such a good feeling that comes with that.

The Storm

2010-05-24T18:38:00.007-05:00

Here...you might go ahead and have this playing in the background when you're looking at these pictures...

(Coincidentally, that was one of my favorite songs when I was about 3 or 4 [Baker Street was another and so were various George Michael and Eagles songs]. And good ol' Garth went to my [now] alma mater and was great at track.)

So...

We had a storm last week. It was really cool. I'll share the pictures with you.

This is from the front porch. It was raining pretty hard. It was after 6:30 because my dad was home...

That's what the sky looked like before 7. And then...

My little daisy. It was raining so hard I was worried about him.

This was the calm before the storm. The sirens were going off at this point, but I wanted to accurately report what was going on.

Then it got so cloudy dark that it just looked like night. I think this was somewhere between 8:30 and 9:00. Video would have been awesome. There was a ton of lightning and the clouds were moving overheard really quickly.

We survived the storm without a scratch. Then a few days later we got a new neighbor...

Luckily he lost his head (literally) and is no longer there.

Happy Monday!

Ten on Tuesday

2010-05-18T08:54:00.002-05:00

1. If your name was a verb, what would “to Lori” mean? (Insert your own name though…)
Um...I think it would have something to do with reading and drinking copious amounts of coffee, but enjoying a Coke over crushed ice more than anything.

2. What myth have you always wanted to prove or bust?
I’ve never thought about this. While I wouldn’t say I blanket believe or disbelieve every myth I hear, I don’t really care enough about them to want to prove or bust them.

3. If you had the ability to get a message out to the entire world, what would you say?
I think I’d tell everyone to play nicely, remember the Golden Rule, and to worry about themselves and not everyone else.

4. I know you’ve answered a similar question before, but it’s been awhile. Please name your current top 10 blogs.
Um...Notes from the Trenches, Friday Playdate, Life According to Lizzi, Life and Life, A Day in the Life, Diggin’ Around, and All Things Southern. I know that’s not 10, but those are the ones I regularly look at. I do look at others but not constantly.

5. Do you have a junk drawer?
Nope. I’ll go on massive cleaning sprees and collect all of the mismatched junk into a box and then sort. My apartment and rooms are organized chaos. I know where everything is and other people don’t. The junk drawer sounds like a permanent mixing ground of stuff you’re too lazy to throw away or find a place for. (Apologies if I offended anyone with that definition)

6. Bottled water or tap?
It would have to be bottled or filtered. I’m not a huge fan of tap water.

7. As a kid, did you have a favorite Biblical story?
I wouldn’t say I had a favorite story. I really liked the books of Psalms and Song of Solomon. Those are probably still my favorites.

8. What is your favorite black and white movie?
This one is tough because I love, love, love old movies! I’m going to have to go with Roman Holiday though. I just love Gregory Peck. And that whole concept of running away in Rome or living like Joe Bradley did just fascinates me.

9. Aside from your engagement/wedding rings, what is your favorite piece of jewelry that you own? Does it have a story behind it?
My favorite piece of jewelry is the ruby and diamond ring that my papa got for me when I was fifteen. It’s a bigger ruby surrounded by several small diamonds in the shape of a square. The whole thing is turned at an angle. The story...I went out to Taco Village with my papa and on the way back to his house, we drove by this old jewelry store that was closing. We went inside and he said he’d buy something for me. I think he meant something inexpensive, but I just couldn’t stop looking at this ring. I wear it every day.

10. What sports/activities do you hope your kids will be involved in? (Answer for both a boy and a girl)
I really hope my future sons will do baseball and Boy Scouts. I hope my girls will dance and do Girl Scouts. I don’t want to force them to do Scouts but, in retrospect, I had a good time doing it. Honestly though, I just want them to be involved in something and stick with it. My cousins get involved in something and quit after a few times or maybe two years. It drives me insane. I also want my kids to be involved in volunteering, be it at church or elsewhere. I want them to have an eye out for helping others in a good, legitimate way...even if it's only by donating old clothes and books to the Goodwill.

Monday Musings

2010-05-17T21:28:00.002-05:00

Thought I can't do random, I love bullet points, list that have meaning only to me.

I made my list of summer goals. There are 13. I stopped there on purpose because it feels defiant to have 13 of something.

I'm on such a writing kick, but I just can't find the words.

I'm wrestling with restlessness. I want to be out in the world, traveling, exploring. I want to take pictures and write about what I see and hear and touch and taste and smell.

Speaking of which...why is there no really good biography of Margaret Bourke-White? She saw so much in her wonderful life.

What's your motivator? What's your driving force? Is it fairly constant? Or does it change frequently?

I've had such a fire burning in me lately. Everything feels possible. From reading everything on my selected summer reading list to writing a novel about my grandparents' town.

Yet, despite the fire, I haven't burned my way through that final barrier to actually make things truly happen.

Maybe it's my attention span. It feels like it's been annoyingly short lately. I've had such a hard time blocking out the background noise (literally and figuratively) so that I can concentrate.

Is there such a thing as too many possibilities? Maybe having so much potential is as distracting as the other stuff...

Freedom

2010-05-06T14:13:00.005-05:00

I am officially absolutely and completely free. I have no obligations. I joked to my dad earlier that my only obligation in the near future is to be reasonably sober enough to walk across the stage at graduation on Saturday. He didn't get the joke. Oh well. I don't usually get his jokes either. If any of you are curious, this is what freedom tastes like:

That's sweet and sour chicken, fried rice, and a cold Dr. Pepper. I'm really enjoying it!

This was the meal I ate my very first night alone in my dorm 4 years ago. I remember it well...I was IM-ing a friend who grew up in Stillwater. I was famished. I asked her where I could get some good sweet and sour chicken. She gave me directions and it was the best sweet and sour chicken I've ever eaten. I can't believe that 4 school years have passed since then!

(Belated) Ten on Tuesday

2010-05-06T06:25:00.004-05:00

1. Do you prefer markers, crayons, or colored pencils?
I think it has to be crayons. Although I do like markers, they tend to color the side of my left hand as it gets dragged across. But that's just the curse of the lefty. *Sigh*

2. As a child, how did your parents celebrate your birthday? (Parties, cake, you pick the dinner, etc.)
My parents and I would go eat with my grandma, papa, and uncle Mike. Then we'd head back to the house and have cake and do presents. It hasn't really changed in the 22 birthdays that I've had. My worst birthdays were the ones where we didn't do that. Sometimes the Elks' Charity Classic fell on my birthday, so we'd head up there for that. One time it was just me and my mom because my grandparents went to Houston to be with my cousins...on my birthday (yeah, I'm a little bitter) and my dad was at a rugby tournament (he did have all of the guys in his car sing to me though). It was just depressing. My mom always tries to make my birthdays the best that she can. I appreciate that. I'm the same way--I hate for anyone to have a crappy birthday. Of course, when I was a kid my parents threw me a party for my little friends.

3. How do you feel about leggings?
I like them with skirts or dresses and sandals or ballet flats. They look stupid with a t-shirt that barely covers your butt and Ugg-ly boots (even with a real shirt). Then again, there's not much that doesn't look stupid with Ugg-ly boots.

4. How do you prefer to follow directions? With a map? Words?
I like written directions with the streets and/or distinguishing landmarks. When pointing out my apartment building, I always describe my car because it is distinguishable. I have a hard time with oral directions unless the person is on the phone walking me step by step. Of course, I'm not opposed to getting lost, which is why I don't have a no sense of adventure machine in my car.

5. What do you eat for snack?
Whatever I feel like. Sometimes it's some salt and vinegar chips or popcorn. Sometimes it's some grapes. Sometimes it's whatever looks good when I open the fridge.

6. Have you ever ordered anything from an infomercial or bought any As Seen on TV products?
Thankfully, no. But my grandma has many a time. Usually it's those As Seen on TV Products. For instance, she bought my dad a Snuggie (or Snugglie, if you ask her) for Christmas. He looks like a giant Smurf.

7. What’s your favorite thing about summer?
Let's see...getting to read. Not having school. I like driving at dusk with the windows down. I like grilling out (or really having my mom grill and then I eat the rewards). I love the summer fruit, like peaches...(Sorry. Gotta grab a Kleenex to wipe up that drool...)

8. Do you have a tattoo? What and where is it?
Nope. IF I ever got something (notice the IF), I might get the Captain Jack Sparrow tattoo or the Yankees symbol. But I can't think of an inconspicuous place that won't stretch or sag over time.

9. Are you good at journaling?
I'm trying to get better at it. I try to write every few days. And I'd like to really be active at it over the summer so I can fill up my journal. I'd like to have a collection of journals for my kids to snoop through someday. And I want all of them to be different. I think my next one will be leather...

10. What’s your favorite way to eat a hamburger?
My favorite way to eat a hamburger is not chargrilled. I like my hamburger to have mustard, ketchup, and pickles. With cheese and bacon. Maybe a little onion. I really don't like homemade hamburgers because they taste too grilled. But if I have to eat one at home, I'll sprinkle some creole seasoning on top before it goes on the grill and then I'll cup it up and eat it like a steak. If I'm a guest in someone's home (ie, not my parents or grandma and papa's houses), I'll choke it down regular just because it's polite, but I'll definitely be filling up on the sides.

All right ladies...last day of finals! My hope is to get my paper checked and printed before my 10:00 final. Then I have to deliver it, pick up something, and pose for a picture afterwards. And then I'm free! I might go grab a burger for lunch and then head home for Champagne Thursday at 3:00. I'll be trying to finish the last 100 pages of For Whom the Bell Tolls as quickly as possible.

Final Finals

2010-05-05T13:28:00.002-05:00

I though I was going to have a horrid finals week. Honestly, I did. I had to sit through 2 hours of class presentations on Monday, I had 2 tests back to back on Tuesday, I had a Wednesday night final, I had a Thursday final, and I had a paper due by 8am on Friday.

OK. Well, I somehow made it through the Monday presentations. I found that my second final on Tuesday (the harder one) was way easy, which means I either did horridly or I just knew my stuff. I finished my paper (except for a quick proofing) today. I've got plenty of time before my night final to cram for it. And I don't need to study for my Thursday final because there's no point.

This means that come noon on Thursday, I'm free. I have all day Thursday and Friday to do whatever I want. There are absolutely no obligations whatsoever. No homework that I should get done even though it's not pressing. Nothing at all. I knew I'd have all day Friday free but I envisioned myself pulling an all-nighter on Thursday to finish this paper, thus sleeping a good part of Friday. But no!

I think I have a tentative schedule...Champagne Thursday with Jo. And finishing A Tree Grows in Brooklyn...if I don't finish tonight (what a thought! I hadn't thought about finishing tonight!). After that, I'll try to finish For Whom the Bell Tolls. Then, I don't know what. I'll find some book to read. (I'm sure MamaShepp will say it and a few of y'all will think it, but I don't want to go out and celebrate; I'd rather steal a few guilt free hours to do what I want and I want to read)

It's dawning on me more and more as Saturday gets closer and closer (yeah, I know it's only Wednesday [I was reminded yesterday in my excitement by a certain someone it was only Tuesday]) I'm about to graduate. I don't feel like I'm old enough. I am so proud of my history degree. I worked so hard on it over the past year. It's felt like I found my place in the sun ever since I declared myself a history major. I just feel like I've fulfilled some part of my purpose in the world. It's a good feeling.

Hooded

2010-04-26T12:12:00.002-05:00

My honors hooding ceremony was yesterday afternoon. My mom's family came up to my apartment and we ate lunch, then headed to campus. It was sort of a dry-run for real graduation (May 8). I was bored out of my mind. Only 50-ish people were being hooded. At graduation there will be around 1,000 people. I'm bringing a book. And my grandma was so certain that if she took one of her pain pills she could walk just fine. Not so much. I really hope she'll see reason and use either a walker or wheelchair for graduation because if she decides she can't walk any more, then not only will she miss the receptions, but so will whomever has to sit outside with her. I love my grandma. She's definitely one of my top 5 people. But sometimes she can be a pain. Love her to death though.

My next two weeks are going to be insane. I have a big cooking project to do for Wednesday, which includes making 2 dishes, assembling a cookbook/etiquette book, planning a 30 presentation, and doing a project write-up. I have a partner for all of this, but I'm a bit of a perfectionist...I also have a 10-12 page research paper over John Donne due next Friday. I've started reading a biography on him; I have 3 more sources to read as well. Luckily, I think I'm learning the art of skimming. I need to prepare some flashcards and essay outlines for my Western Civ final. I think I'll try to get that done today. And I need to add to/modify my grammar cheat sheet because the final is comprehensive.

All that to say that I'll probably be scarcer than usual around here until after finals are over. If everything goes right, I'll finish that John Donne paper next Wednesday...which will give me almost all of Thursday (I do have a 10:00 final) and all of Friday to relax, celebrate, drink, whatever. Twelve more days until it's all over...

Ten on Tuesday

2010-04-20T20:14:00.002-05:00

Ten on Tuesday

I thought I'd steal this from whichwaydidshego because it intrigued me and I just love participating in these kinds of things. Since it's apparently a weekly thing where new questions are posted, I may have a new Tuesday topic...

1. What two cities should be moved closer together?

I'm going to have to say none of them because I think places are in the right location. If anything, I'd like to move closer to certain places...like Savannah, New Orleans, Paris, Portofino, Athens...I could make a long list here...

2. What was the first plane ride you took?

I definitely do not remember it, but I know that it was to Florida to my uncle's wedding. I was, eh, 6 months old. We have a picture of it that my mom took of my dad holding me. He's holding me upright, hands around my ribcage. I'm crying for my mom, but it kinda looks like he's squeezing me and that's making me cry. My dad has told me that I slept in one of the drawers in the hotel. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this.

3. What continent would you most like to visit?

I think I'd like to visit all of them...except Antarctica. (I'm so not a cold-weather person) But I'd really like to cross Europe off of my list first because I so want to go to Italy and France.

4. What’s your favorite place to window-shop?

What is this "window-shop" of which you speak? I don't like shopping, so I rarely go looking when I know I'm not going to buy.

5. What’s the least fun you’ve ever had at a place specifically tailored for fun?

I have a few of these experiences. They were all pretty much the same, even though the geographic location was different, because the same person ruined all 3 of these vacations in the same way. My mom and I went to Orlando, Clearwater, and Cancun with her friend and her friend's daughter in 3 different years. The friend's daughter is a year-ish younger than I am. And she whined and moaned the entire time about it being too hot or missing her brothers and dad when it was her birthday and we were in Mexican and they couldn't go to the Olive Garden, on and on and on. Acted like a spoiled princess the entire time. Thankfully, after 3 miserable experiences, my mom decided no more trips with these people.

6. You’re stuck on an island with plenty of food, a companion, and a relatively stress-free lifestyle. What do you say when the rescue ship comes?

I would have to say "Take me with you!" I really get cagey when I do not have the luxury of mobility. The word "stuck" in the question says it all--I'm not allowed to go anywhere else to see anyone else or do anything else. I like stability, but there's a fine line between stable and tortuous monotony.

7. Which day of the week do you look forward to most?

Thursday because it's Champagne Thursday. And Saturday and Sunday because life is so much less rushed on those days and I get a lot done.

8. What’s your favorite place to enjoy the great outdoors?

I really enjoy sitting on my grandparents's deck, reading and sipping on a Coke or even just closing my eyes and listening. My other favorite place is somewhere I've never been before. It has no cell phone reception, no TV, and no computer. The sky would be enormous and there'd be lots of trees and huge rocks to relax on. I could hike if I wanted or swim in the cool, calm body of water (creek, river, lake, whatever). I'd have my notebook and a pen so I could write (in the fantasy, I'd be good at sketching too) and a fabulous book that would just keep me enthralled for hours. I can just picture it! And I'm going to find some place someday...

9. What’s on your “to do” list this summer?

Ooh! So many things! Events--jury duty, a few days at my grandparents's house, short roadtrip with a friend, and maybe a trip to Houston. I'll also be taking an online science class to finish up my degrees and officially graduate in July. My goals are to finish all of the books that I'm halfway through, to read a lot of books (I'm starting a mental list of "really want to" reads), organize my rooms, and start writing.

10. Which natural disaster freaks you out the most?

This will sound stupid but I think snow freaks me out the most. Tornadoes excite me. I love thunderstorms. I don't really have to deal with hurricanes, volcanoes, or earthquakes. So it's gotta be snow. I get so cagey when it snows because I'm trapped. I used to think it was the idea of being stuck in the house with my mom and having no out. But no. I was snowed in my apartment this past January and I got kinda freaked out. Yes, the snow walks are a nice trade off. But give me my freedom of movement anyday!

And there you have my first Ten on Tuesday...

Lazy

2010-04-19T06:33:00.003-05:00

I had a perfect lazy weekend!

My mom and I ran errands on Friday evening. I picked out some shirts from Target. I even found a perfect red cardigan. I've been looking for a perfect red cardigan ever since I saw The Notebook in theatres when I was 16. I still have a few more pieces to assemble before my wardrobe is complete, but that cardigan was definitely a big cross off. We had quite a few laughs despite everything we cooked failing. She made a pizza for lunch and my half was horrid. The mozzarella cheese didn't melt well and the pizza was really dough-y. She liked it though because she likes dough-y pizza. Then I made potato skin for supper. The first batch of potatoes I cooked didn't work too well so I had to throw those away. Then we ran out of cheddar, so I didn't get to eat very many. And, of course, the mozzarella we used on my mom's melted funky, so I wouldn't eat those even if I like the mozzarella ones. (Texture is a big part of my eating experience; so, if something has a "bad" texture, I won't eat it)

On Saturday, we debated going to the Herbal Affair, but decided the weather wasn't looking too promising. So we ran to Zio's for lunch and it was fantastic! I had the Crispy Shrimp Scampi. I ate a few of the shrimp there, but the pasta was my main focus. So perfectly garlic-y! We also split an artichoke and spinach dip. I ate pretty much all of the leftovers for supper and breakfast on Sunday. After lunch we went to Borders because I had a 30% off coupon. I bought a new copy of The Once and Future King because my old copy is worn out and I got a couple of documentaries (one on baseball, one on WWII, and one on Korea) for $5 each. We watched part of the Yankees game when we got home. And I napped towards the end (they were playing Texas, so it's not like it was going to be a close game). Then we watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford because nothing else was on. It was pretty good despite Brad Pitt being in it. And we stayed on the couch to watch Walk the Line right after because it's one of my favorites and my mom had never seen it and, again, nothing else was on.

On Sunday we cooked lunch (pinto beans and fried potatoes) and watched the Yankees again. We also baked some goodies for my two advisers for helping me out, my thesis readers for being so amazing and my two other letter writers for being awesome. And I'm pretty excited because I got small batches of the spiced pecans and the fudge. I really wish we had had time to bake some cookies for them. Maybe I'll bake some tonight and deliver the bags on Tuesday. No. Better not. I don't have the time to do any extra baking.

I graduate in 19 days. It really hit me hard yesterday. At the risk of receiving threatening comments...I feel like I'm starting to get old. I mean, young kids don't graduate from college; grown ups and almost grown ups do. And I realized that I will graduate with my masters a couple of weeks before my oldest cousin graduates from high school. If I were to go on and get my doctorate, I would graduate with that before my youngest cousin got to high school. My cousins make me feel old. *Sigh*

Despite starting to get old, I'm really happy with the way things are going. I feel like I've accomplished a lot on my own recently--getting this history degree in 2 semesters and a summer, writing my thesis, figuring out that I want to go to grad school, getting in to grad school, and a lot of other things that I have done without much active help from others. I'll freely admit that I had loads of behind the scenes help--money, emotional support, etc--but the heavy lifting, I did on my own. I can't tell you how amazing that feels. And thank you to everyone who was with me through all of that. I feel like I have the best friends in the world even though I've never really met any of you.

Here's to a productive week and a bubbly Champagne Thursday!

Tuesday's Thoughts

2010-04-13T18:38:00.002-05:00

The end of the semester countdown is at 24 right now. I am so ready to relax!

I got called up for jury duty...the first week of summer. I'm rather bummed, but it will be a good chance to get some reading done.

I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen lately trying new recipes. Most of them are Southern. I've concluded that cooking is little more than a series of (often hilarious) failures interrupted by moments of delicious success. I'm beginning to think that life is the same way.

Baseball season is in full swing (excuse the horrible pun) and I couldn't be happier.

I've been on such a reading jag lately, even in reading for my lit class. I've just flown through the pages.

One of the most important things I've learned in college is when to let go and let it slide out of your hands.

A goal for this summer is to have a little flower garden that I'm responsible for.

On that note...I've derived so much pleasure from flowers lately. I just want to enjoy nature while it's still nice out.

I got to open the windows a couple of days and read in my rocking chair. It was divine!

I'm ready for an adventure...even if it's just in my kitchen.

I am loving my new bedtime routine: read for an hour, turn off the lights, watch an episode of Andy Griffith, go to sleep.

Time to read some more Tarzan...

Hours

2010-04-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

I don't know why but at the end of the semester, I find it easier if I plan my days hour-by-hour. I downloaded an hourly planner for the next 4 weeks. I've blocked off class time, events, and wrote a general to-do list in the free spaces. Of course, I hope to get everything crossed off. And I think I've given myself more time than I really need to do some of the bigger projects. Thankfully I've learned when to pull the plug and turn in an assignment, even when it's early. I've also decided to take Sundays off.

I graduate 28 days from tomorrow. That seems so weird. I don't know when I got so old. On the one hand, I'll still be in the exact same apartment next year, having classes with many of the same history professors, hanging out with the same people I'm hanging out with now because they won't be going on yet, so it doesn't feel like much is changing. On the other hand, I guess it's starting to seem like part of my life is over. I really wish I had the opportunity to sit and deliberate, ponder, wonder over, and ruminate on this part. But I've got a lot of reading to do for class.

Lately, I've been buying myself a bunch of flowers at the grocery store each week. I have some pink tulips right now. Last week I had pink daisies. The flowers make me happy. They bring a smile to my face whenever I have to opportunity to look at them, like at breakfast.

I've also really been enjoying my rocking chair. I moved it in front of the windows in my living room. In an ideal world, I'd be able to sit in the rocking chair for hours with the windows open, reading what I like. But in actuality, I've been sitting in the rocking chair reading for school, with the windows shut because it's been really windy.

I can't tell y'all how much I'm looking forward to summer so that I can read what I want to read when I want to read it. I'm going on a four state roadtrip with a friend in May. We're exploring western Oklahoma, then driving to the first roadside cafe we find in Colorado to get a drink so I can say I've been to Colorado, then we'll head south to New Mexico to do the same, then we'll hit west Texas because, why not?

Before I take this trip, I'll spend a week at my grandparents' recovering from college. I plan on reading Walden while I'm there because their house always makes me want to read it. I think that's because my mom's old room (which is where I sleep) is so small and plain that it reminds me of the remoteness of Walden. And I've decided that this summer I am definitely going ahead with my longtime dream of creating a Walden-esque environment in my office.

OK...back to The Age of Innocence.

Rain and Stuff

2010-04-02T07:36:00.002-05:00

Last week's Champagne Thursday was a rousing success. I felt infinitely better (and not because I drank a lot). There's just something about searching, truly searching, for something to celebrate that brightens your day.

I had a productive weekend. I read Riders of the Purple Sage for a class and I actually liked it. I like it so much that I sent my dad to Borders with my 40% off coupon to buy me more Zane Grey. I'm still surprised that I enjoyed a cowboy book. I'm not too proud of it...but it's less nerdy than liking fantasy novels. (Sorry for those of you who like fantasy novels...)

This week, I had 2 big tests. One on Wednesday night and one on Thursday afternoon. I'm really not sure how they went but I did what I could and it's time to let it go.

Last night I decided to do nothing because I was plum worn out. My brain hurt. I made some progress on Lolita. Even though I am enjoying it, I'm ready to finish that book and move onto something else.

It's raining like mad here right now. I stayed in bed for an extra hour dozing and enjoying the sound of the rain. I really wish I didn't have class because it's always windy in Stillwater, so you're soaked by the time you walk anywhere. And, of course, since it's a college campus, there's no parking anywhere near the building I actually have to go to.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. After class today I'm meeting my dad in Tulsa for lunch. I'll drop off my laundry. And then I'm heading to my grandparents' house. I'll spend Friday and Saturday nights there. My parents are coming up for Easter lunch on Sunday. Then I'll head back to Tulsa with my parents. I'm staying Sunday night in Tulsa so I can watch the game with my dad. If I remember, I'll write a fantastic Opening Day post. I'll head back to reality on Monday morning.

I really wish I had more interesting things to report! Other than the Zane Grey, I haven't finished any books lately. I wish that would be changing but I fear that the semester is just getting started with its crazy shenanigans. I haven't really been writing, which makes me sad because I wanted to write (because you have to start somewhere) and then write more often.

Time to get ready to face the rain...

Champagne Thursday

2010-03-25T14:14:00.003-05:00

I've been in a bad mood lately. A really bad mood. Nothing felt worth doing. I just wanted to run away from home and join the circus (couldn't you just see me becoming a tightrope walker or maybe the person that sticks their head in a lion's mouth and falling for the daring young man on the flying trapeze?). Nothing was really getting better. I was in a horrific rush this morning because I had to finish a cheat sheet for a class and it was rainy and gloomy and blah.

And suddenly it dawned on me--it was Champagne Thursday.

Like any observer of this magnificent holiday, I have a few bottles of champagne in reserve, so it was no trouble to pop one into the fridge before school. All through the long day of classes, I looked forward to celebrating because this really is the best cure for the mean reds, from which I undoubtedly have been suffering.

So...what am I celebrating today?

Being woken up with a poem this morning.

Getting the opportunity to wear the gold drop necklace with the rubies.

The sun coming out this afternoon after being dreary and absent for far too long.

Feeling like I might actually enjoy the Western novel I will endeavor to read this weekend for class...even if the only reason I'm reading it is that Colonel Potter liked this author.

Blessings in disguise...even when the blessing isn't yet apparent.

Dancing around the apartment.

Portofino.

Bacon and lettuce sandwiches on toasted French bread.

Favorite books that you want to read and reread every year.

Potato chips, which are great for dipping in champagne, even though I don't have any at the moment.

Making mental connections between things that I've heard from one source with something I've heard in class.

My little black notebook--it's so cute.

The flowers in my apartment--yeah, they're fake, but they make me smile.

Smiley faces in text messages--because they call to mind the real thing.

The fact that pulling the cork out of the bottle of champagne was the hardest struggle I had to deal with today.

I'm celebrating the end of the mean reds.

Lastly, I'm celebrating because today is Thursday and not any other day.

Spring Break, Part 1

2010-03-23T14:19:00.002-05:00

I'm sure that some of you are expecting some sort of overview on what I did over spring break because you know that Matt came to visit. And that's fine. I don't mind sharing many of the details about what we did...eventually. I'm still trying to remember that he's gone. He left on Saturday morning and I still catch myself thinking I should go sit next to him and read or I should ask what he wants to do. It's amazing how quickly I got used to him being around. But if you know me very well, you've probably heard me say something about it feeling like I see him (and other online friends) every day. So, I guess, when you put it in those terms, it's not surprising that I got used to him. And while I'm trying to remember that he's not here, I'm holding onto those sweet, private moments and memories.

But I can talk about other things. I finished The Bridges of Madison County on Sunday. It was a quick read. I wouldn't say it was the best, most inspiring book I've ever read. Not by a long shot. But it was comforting and easy to read. I'm looking forward to seeing the film eventually.

I finished The Bell Jar yesterday. It was a reread. Like the first time I read it, I finished quite quickly. I've been reading The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, which gave me a lot of insight on the book. The Bell Jar has some amazing prose and images. There were times I held my breath as I turned the page. And I even laughed out loud a few times.

Right now I'm reading the Annotated Lolita, which Matt loaned me. I must say that the numerous endnotes have been very interesting to read and also helpful at explaining what Nabokov referenced and why. I also think that having just completed The Bell Jar is helping me with this novel because I'm already in a psychoanalytical frame of mind.

That's about all I have for now. I'll be back in a few days to unveil what happened over spring break.

Revision

2010-03-08T12:02:00.003-06:00

I wanted to throw myself a party this weekend! After a long drought, I finished 2 books. I finished The Sound and the Fury on Friday and I raced through Fried Green Tomatoes, finishing on Saturday. It felt great to finish something that I started.

I enjoyed The Sound and the Fury after I read the Wikipedia page that explained the plot. The first two narrators were very unreliable and difficult to follow, which made the rest of the story difficult to understand. Wikipedia cleared up a few questions I had (I thought one of the characters was a transvestite, but it was really 2 different characters). Once I understood what had happened and what was going to happen, I was able to sit back and appreciate Faulkner's experiment in narration and his characterization.

I've been on a real Southern fix lately. I just can't get enough of the culture and the food. So I simply had to pick up Fried Green Tomatoes once I got the chance. I really enjoyed the movie when I was younger (and I still do today, but I haven't seen it in a few years), but when I read the book at 16, I hated it. I distinctly remember saying that the only reason I was finishing was because I'd started it (and I don't think I had any other books on that trip; oh I miss those days). But I finished it in about 24 hours (less if you add up sleep and other non-reading times) this weekend. I think those extra few years helped me understand the central elements of the story--growing older, loving others, and loving yourself--a bit better than I did at 16.

I know I said I would finish The Thorn Birds next, but I'm having a hard time caring enough about Meggie and her world to want to go back there. I'll finish soon, but I'm going to work on For Whom the Bell Tolls first. I picked it up yesterday and I've read almost 100 pages. I guess I just needed to take a break so I could appreciate it better.

When I was in high school, I finished the books I started. Period. (I also didn't have a monstrous to-read pile, but that's a different story) When I started college, I only finished a book if it grabbed me and wouldn't let go. I figured that my reading time was so rare (and so rarely guilt-free) that I shouldn't read something that was work. So I got into a bad habit of starting a bunch of books, but not finishing very many. And then I started having a hard time deciding what to read next. Throughout all of this, my buying of books increased exponentially. I had a lot more books coming in than I had going out, so to speak.

Anyway, I'm going to break myself of this habit. I'm going to finish what I start because books that truly grab you are few and far between. I am going to read the books that I've bought (not stopping buying; I'm just going to start finishing) even if it's just to cross it off of my list and post it onto PBSwap to get rid of.

Sunshine

2010-02-28T08:05:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I woke up with very noble intentions. I cataloged all of the assignments I haven't done yet and I wrote down all of the assignments for this upcoming week. My goal was to get everything for this upcoming week done, so that during the week I can finish the assignments I'm late on and also work on the stuff for the following week because I have a lot to get done that week before spring break. I also needed to hit the grocery store, which I totally didn't want to do. I finally caved. I am so glad because the weather was gorgeous! The sun was out. There was a nice breeze. And it felt like spring. I would have stayed outside all afternoon if I'd had outside furniture. Of course, after knowing how lovely the weather was, I had to throw open the windows. I also made fresh lemonade for the first time in my life, which tastes fantastic! I knew I wouldn't be getting any work done, so I set out to do something that I've been delinquent in--writing letters. I am all caught up with my letter writing, unless there's a letter in my mailbox, which I haven't checked in over a week because nothing sucks worse than walking all the way to the mailbox only to find no one sent me anything.

I'm going to write more often about what I've been reading, because that's what I want to focus on. I haven't been writing on here much because I didn't like the direction I was taking this. I decided that I don't want too much of my personal life on the internet for just anyone to see. Anyway, more writing about books because I want to spend more of my time on reading....

I haven't finished a book since before school started, which is really frustrating. And it's making me rethink the goal of finishing 52 books this year. (I think my main problem is with time-management [I think developing the ability *or at least thinking I've developed the ability* to multi-task has really screwed up my ability to actually accomplish anything]) But I'm still going to try. I'm going to try to consolidate my work to during the week, sp that I'll have more time on the weekends to read. I think another issue is being so excited about books. I have so many right here in my apartment that I want to read so badly!

Shortly after the semester started, I began reading For Whom the Bell Tolls because I felt I needed a bit more Hemingway in my life. There's just something about the short, purposeful sentences. A man is a man in Hemingway because he lived by some old code that has largely been forgotten. The story was great, but after a couple of weeks, I simply wasn't making any progress, despite carrying the book with me everywhere. I told my dad he should read it. I gave him a spare copy I had. Two weeks ago, he was over halfway through it.

A week ago (my goodness, it HAS only been a week) I started The Thorn Birds, which was my mom's favorite book and my grandma's favorite book. I started it mainly because I needed an easy read, a quick read. Despite being nearly 700 pages long, I was flying through it. As of Wednesday, I had just about 250 pages left (I haven't really read it since). Even though it went through a dry spell and I wanted to chunk the book across the room because I was so bloody bored, I kept pushing. After all, Gone With the Wind, my favorite, has a dry spell, but it's worth pushing through. And I have enjoyed reading about the adventures of Meggie and Ralph...

But I started to feel the need to read Faulkner. Every year on the cusp of spring, I want to read Faulkner. Usually I'm reading something else, so I don't indulge immediately. I put it off and I say I'm going to go through all three books in the Oprah's Book Club set, which I bought as a senior in high school, and listen to the lectures, look at the notes, etc. When I finally pick up Faulkner, I inevitably start with As I Lay Dying, which I've now read at least three times on my own because it's the first in the boxed set. This year I am indulging in the desire to read Faulkner immediately, and I'm starting with one I haven't read yet. I started The Sound and the Fury last night and it's confusing as all get out. If you couldn't follow Catch-22, I wouldn't recommend this book because it jumps around in time a lot and it took me a while to catch on. Personally, I loved Catch-22, but I know that a lot of people who hate it simply couldn't follow the plot, so they got frustrated. This book is similar.

My master plan is to indulge in Faulkner, then finish The Thorn Birds and then finish For Whom the Bell Tolls. Hopefully I can do all of this before spring break, because I have other reading I want to do then, not to mention a few reads with friends coming up that I need to be ready for.

Survey

2010-02-09T06:41:00.003-06:00

I stole this survey from My Spring Snow because I just can't resist a survey...

(1) Your Cell Phone? Red
(2) Your Hair? Blonde
(3) Your Mother? Crazy
(4) Your Father? Stoic
(5) Your Favorite Food? Pizza
(6) Your Dream Last Night? Hehehe
(7) Your Favorite Drink? Dr. Pepper (bet you thought I'd say coffee, didn't ya?)
(8) Your Dream/Goal? Love
(9) What Room Are You In? Mine
(10) Your Hobby? Reading
(11) Your Fear? Birds
(12) Where Do You Want To Be In Six Years? Elsewhere
(13) Where Were You Last Night? Apartment
(14) Something That You Aren't? Old
(15) Muffins? Nickname (thank you, mother!)
(16) Wish List Item? Yankees
(17) Where Did You Grow Up? Tulsa
(18) Last Thing You Did? Dressed
(19) What Are You Wearing? Sweater-dress
(20) Your TV? Off
(21) Your Pets? Deceased (Poor Patch)
(22) Friends? Good
(23) Your Life? Precipice
(24) Your Mood? Energized
(25) Missing Someone? Yes
(26) Vehicle? Liberty
(27) Something You Aren't Wearing? Makeup
(28) Your Favorite Store? Starbucks
(29) Your Favorite Color? Red
(30) When Was The Last Time You Laughed? Monday
(31) Last Time You Cried? Snow
(32) Your Best Friend? Someone
(33) One Place You Go To Over And Over Again? School
(34) Facebook? Blah.
(35) Favorite Place To Eat? Tacos

I hope you learned something useful about me from all of that. It was hard to stick to one-worded answers!

Snow

2010-01-30T07:56:00.002-06:00

It snowed again on Thursday. Actually, it sleeted/freezing rained for several hours and then it started snowing. I was very grateful for the two days off of school that I wound up getting. I used them to my full advantage. Or at least I tried to. I'm all caught up in one of my history classes. I'm not really behind in Grammar. And I'm fairly close to catching up in the other 3.

Last night I made myself an amazing spaghetti sauce. I had to use fresh mozz because the shredded mozz had molded a bit...and the rest tasted funky. But oh! The sauce! I feel bad for my friend because of how long I went on about how good the sauce was. It pretty much got to the point where he disregarded the comments and continued his own conversation. This friend and I work well like that. I also opened a bottle of wine and drank a glass. It was all so lovely.

And then the rain came. Or more accurately the tears and the being prostrate on the dining room floor for a bit came. After a few minutes, I pulled my stuff together. I don't know why it happened but it felt good to just cry for a bit. I washed some dishes, did some tidying. I was in my room and I got so angry for some reason. Angry and sad. I turned on "Late Night, Early Town" by Lloyd Cole while I cleaned a bit. Then "Turpentine" by Brandi Carlile came on and I sang along.

Suddenly, the urge to get out of the apartment and walk around in the snow became simply overpowering. I pulled on my boots and coat and other cold weather accoutrements, grabbed my keys and my phone, and I left. It was dark and still lightly snowing. And I walked around my apartment complex and talked to my friend. It was my own private winter wonderland out there. I wish I had been in a neighborhood so I could have kept walking.

As I came inside, I realized that that walk was just what I needed at the moment. I felt infinitely better about every mysterious thing that was making me feel bad. I could have kept walking, but I didn't want to be greedy. Maybe someone else needs the snow too.

So I climbed into bed and read some of Sylvia Plath's journals. Then I moved onto 1776, which seems like it's going to be really good. I bought a couple more books yesterday from Amazon. One on World War I (The First World War by John Keegan), one on the Civil War (The Civil War: A Narrative--Fort Sumter to Perryville, Vol. 1 by Shelby Foote) and Whitman: Poetry and Prose. I'm definitely looking forward to all of them, but especially the Civil War book because it's going to be a popular history, which is something I want to do when I grow up.

I think after last night, I'm turning over a new leaf about snow. It really should be enjoyed because it's so beautiful and magical. A blanket covering the ground, keeping everything warm. Yes, the snow days are a great excuse for getting caught up or ahead on my work. But, even more importantly, I should make time to enjoy the outdoors. Snow is beautiful. I do love the rain. Nothing can beat a sunny day. So that's my new goal for myself--enjoy the weather that's going on, even if I have to stand in the window and sip coffee rather than be outside in it--for just a few minutes a day.

Loss

2010-01-22T06:56:00.003-06:00

I feel kind of at a loss for words. I definitely appreciate the comments that have been left on my blog; they've definitely helped convince me that people actually are reading this thing. I didn't get all of my work done; not by a long shot. Then again, I don't think I really, in my heart of hearts, expected to. And that's fine. It was nice to lay everything out and see all of the possibilities. It's nice in general to lay out the possibilities, so that way you don't miss something.

I'm rambling. I really am at a loss for words, but I definitely wanted to get something out into the world.

I hit a roadblock with The French Lieutenant's Woman. As usual, it wasn't that I didn't like it; I just wasn't that into it. And when my reading time is so scarce, I need something that just grabs me and won't let go. So I've started For Whom the Bell Tolls. I felt like I needed a bit of Hemingway in my life. I think he simply must be my favorite writer. I love his style. His stories grip me and make me want to grab a little notebook and travel the world. He was a man when men were men and I admire that.

What really hit me was the bit (Meditation 17) at the beginning by John Donne...my favorite poet:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee...

I'd heard snippets of this before. (Hell, I've probably heard the whole thing before, but I didn't pay much attention) I love it! The metaphysical poets were really fantastic.

I finished my journal last weekend and I began writing in the new one that Matt got me for Christmas. I really like the new one. But, naturally, I feel a certain nostalgia for the old one. Looking back at the past entries made me realize a lot of things about forgiveness. But most importantly I have to forgive my past self. In spite of, or maybe because of, the mistakes she made, things have turned out really well for me. I have amazing friends. And, except for the day to day bit, my life as a whole is actually interesting and not ordinary. (Oh, how I hate that word)

First Week

2010-01-16T08:23:00.002-06:00

I survived my first week...of my last semester as an undergrad, mind you. I'm going to be very busy, but I think it will be really, really good in the end. I'm taking 18 hours and for some reason all 4 history courses that I'm taking have required daily reading. That's never happened before! I'm taking one lit course and Grammar to finish up my English degree. All that I'll have to do in the summer is take a 4 hour lab science course and then I officially get both of my degrees.

Despite the copious amount of reading, which I'm determined to not let affect my life and my pleasure reading, I'm really excited about all of my courses. Tudor-Stuart England, Food in Preindustrial Europe, Media and Pop Culture in the Middle East, English Grammar, History of the Best Seller and the Book, and Western Civ to 1500. (OK, maybe I'm not hugely excited about Western Civ, but it's that course that makes the difference between my getting just a second major and a second degree)

As far as reading goes, I've finished 2 books this year, both of which count for MamaShepp's Gilmore Challenge. I'm about to start two books that don't count for the Challenge, but I'm really looking forward to readin. Over the next eight weeks, I'm reading Middlemarch with a group of friends. Ironically, we'll finish in the middle of March. I'm going to be reading The French Lieutenant's Woman for my own pleasure. For a while I've been wanting to read an amazing love story, but I just couldn't get into any. Hopefully this can sate that wish. After I finish that, I have no idea what I'll read next. I'm just hoping I can finish The French Lieutenant's Woman in a week or so, because I have picked out 62 books that I want to read on my own this year.

Once I get my homework under control, I definitely need to start dancing again. I had so much fun doing that (and I loved losing weight too). My friend and I are going to start walking the "lake" soon, which is about 2 or 3 miles around. (Maybe more; I haven't walked it since my freshman year and I did it only once) I know I don't officially have to worry about it until February, but I think I'll be giving up sleep for Lent so that I can do all of these things. No, I know that I can do them all and still sleep...I'm just going to have to start on task and not get distracted. I don't know what I'd be distracted by anyway.

OK...time to hit the books.

Back

2010-01-09T13:05:00.002-06:00

I took a long, unexpected hiatus from the blogging world. It just kind of happened. Every time I thought about blogging over the break, I just couldn't think of anything worth saying. But now that I'm back at my apartment, I feel the need to start blogging again. Especially because I said I would blog about my reading.

It took me a while to find a book and get interested in it once the new year started. I tried reading Swann's Way, but whenever I'd go to read I couldn't concentrate and I just didn't really feel like putting forth the effort. Finally, finally I decided to start Slaughterhouse-Five. (It is, after all, on my reading for global domination list as well as MamaShepp's Gilmore Reading Challenge list) I've really enjoyed it so far and I have about 75 pages to go. I plan on finishing tonight.

Also after the new year started, I began going through my old magazines and the millions of articles I'd torn out of magazines over the years for various reasons. I began with the intention of keeping only the recipes that I would actually make, then I added the workouts that I would actually do, then I threw in crafts and words of wisdom. My new goal is to accomplish everything in the binder by the end of the year. Try all of the recipes, make all of the crafts, start doing the workouts. I'm pretty excited...I just need to start doing.

Once I got back to my apartment, I decided to reorganize my bookshelves. While going through, I picked out 62 books that I want to read this year. I am going to try to read all of them. I put them all on the shelf in my room. The other books are in the living room. But if I'm not planning on reading them this year, why are they still here? I've no idea. I'll figure it out eventually.

Lastly, I discovered the way I like to eat apples. I must first peel them and then cover them in peanut butter. There's just something about the peels that I don't like. I'm one of those people to whom texture is very important. It makes sense because I don't like the peel on my peaches or nectarines either.

I guess that's about all for now...I'm hoping to get into the habit of blogging regularly again, but we'll see.

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

2009-12-08T11:51:00.002-06:00

...and it's going to get even colder. The high for today is predicted to be 41...which is 5 degrees lower than it was predicted to be when I looked last night...and it's supposed to be rainy. The high for tomorrow, you know, when I have a 10:00 final, is 29. The low for tomorrow night (as in the night between Wednesday and Thursday) is 13...because I have to wake up for an 8:00 final on Thursday. I'm sorry, but that's just too cold for it to not even snow. If it's going to be that cold, it had better freaking snow. Alas no! It's supposed to be sunny.

The weather is obviously not even remotely close to being my friend right now.

Also, I'm not even remotely close to being in the Christmas spirit and that holiday is coming at me like a freaking freight train.

One thing I am looking forward to about the Christmas vacation is going on walks in the neighborhood. Wearing my lovely red coat, of course. I did it a few times last year, except I was doing it with the hope of losing weight, so it wasn't very enjoyable. But this year I'd like to walk leisurely and enjoy the sights and the sounds.

I'm also looking forward to the first snow so that I can go on a snow walk. I got the idea from Gilmore Girls. You bundle up (I'll wear my lovely red coat), grab a thermos of hot chocolate or coffee, and walk around at night in the snow. I like the snow, despite hating the cold. It's like a blanket covers everything. The world looks peaceful and cozy.

On the finals front: I have 5 papers down and 4 papers to go. And I have 0 tests down and 3 to go. I have hopes of getting one more paper done today because I have a French study group at 6 this evening. And the three that will be left aren't due until Friday. My mother has graciously volunteered to try typing my papers while I dictate them over the phone. Maybe it will work well, maybe it won't. We just need to wait a bit for her eyes to un-dilate...

Idea

2009-12-05T11:45:00.002-06:00

I love it when I get a brilliant beyond brilliant idea out of the blue. It's like a flood of amazingness suddenly engulfs me a fair number of times. Other times, it's like a see a little teeny, tiny light in the distance and zoom! it becomes big and huge and bright. Today, I experienced the teeny light zooming kind of idea...

Maybe I mentioned this in a previous post (I don't remember and I'm too lazy to check) but my friend and I compiled a massive list of books to read. Literally, over 200. And honestly, it's closer to 300. I'm thinking that I'll use this blog to chronicle this quest for world domination. Because once we finish reading all of these books, we're going to be able to do a lot of things and very possibly, we could take over the world. You know, after we go to Paris to reward ourselves for being awesome. So, obviously, I won't be finishing a book a day or really even a book a week (knowing myself). So, I will continue with the randomly written posts. But I'm also going to talk about the books.

I'll even post a list of the official canon and put the date of completion for the books (We have an unofficial canon that will be all of the books we didn't think to add before sealing the official canon; books read from the unofficial canon won't count towards massages, pedicures, and Paris) so that you at home can track my progress.

Over Christmas break or holiday break or whatever we're calling it today (like I really care what the PC term for it is; PC is such a ridiculous joke) we have four books that we're going to read. We each chose two so that it would be fair. My friend chose Nine Stories by Salinger and The Razor's Edge by Maugham. I chose Swann's Way by Proust and Tropic of Cancer by Miller. (Funny story about Tropic of Cancer...I bought my copy and took it to my grandparents' house to read. It took me a while to realize what the cover picture was. After I realized it, I put the book away so I wouldn't get into trouble. My friend noticed it right away and was almost afraid to buy the book because people in small towns talk. This has since become a running joke between us.)

I guess I'll model my talking about the books on the Rory Gilmore Books Project blog. I really wish I could devote all of my energies to a project like this. But alas! I have school and homework (always homework!).

Finals

2009-12-04T13:17:00.003-06:00

I'm wrapping up the semester right now. Next week is finals week. Unfortunately it's not going to be quite as cushy as finals week of semesters past, but I feel more comfortable with most of my classes.

Tonight I'm working on my Eastern Civ stuff--2 short essays and a list of 25 IDs, over which I will take a test next Wednesday.

Then I have various assignments due throughout the week next week. A French paper comparing Anna Karenina to Emma Bovary, a paper over Bonnie and Clyde, two American history essays, a paper summarizing several articles on historiography, a paper discussing historiography and baseball, and my thesis.

I defended my thesis yesterday. Both of my faculty readers said I wrote a very good paper. My English professor who wants to read it...well, I'm not so sure what he'll say. I know he'll like the subject matter though. That reminds me...I also need to write a 1 page abstract of my thesis and get that submitted to the Honors College.

I realized this morning (or maybe it was last night) that I really have the best of both worlds with my majors. I can talk about practical things with my fellow history majors and I can talk about abstract and illusory things with my fellow English majors and poets.

Though not perfect...things are still pretty great.

Trippin'

2009-11-25T08:24:00.002-06:00

I need to put in a little pitch for a book that is quickly becoming a favorite...

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe chronicles Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters on their adventurous acid trips. This book makes me laugh out loud, regardless of where I am (yeah, I've been sitting in the hall before class starts and started cracking up). I'm only about a quarter of the way through with it, but it's fantastically entertaining so far.

Probably the most amazing thing about this book is that it's non-fiction. Some of the stuff in there seems way too far out there to be real, but I guess that's part of the point. Maybe even part of the charm.

Fall Goals Pre-Thanksgiving Weekend Update

2009-11-19T15:30:00.002-06:00

Here's a quick update on my fall goals as of November 19, 2009:

1. I want to finish reading Anna Karenina by 11:59pm on my 22nd birthday. I finished! I finished! I finished!

2. I want to have a very decent, nearly final draft of my thesis typed by the end of Thanksgiving Break, thus giving me 10 days to proof it and make minor changes. I finished! I'm having a couple of people proofread it. I might add another source about Joe DiMaggio's hitting streak. But other than that, I'm finished!

3. I want to dance for an hour at least 4 days a week. Honestly, I've been a bit too busy with school to do this. I had planned on starting to do yoga in the mornings, but I've totally sucked at getting up early. So, I think I'm going to have to start making a more concerted effort.

4. I want to take more pictures of people that have meant something to me in college because I find it almost ridiculous that these people who mean so much to me are people my parents don't even know. I planned on taking pictures of people at the Thanksgiving potluck. But as it turns out, most of my friends aren't able to go after all. I guess I'll have to plot and plan something else...

5. I want to have my weekends be free for fun, which will mean doing a bit more work and a bit less slacking during the weekdays. Rather than focus all of my slacking on the weekends, I've just been randomly slacking whenever. Sometimes for an entire day, sometimes for a few hours.

6. I want to go into class prepared for what we will discuss. No major developments here. I do what I can when I feel like doing it.

7. I want to journal more often, even if it's creatively through photographs and drawings, or poems and quotes that stick out to me. I want to write about the good days as well as the bad so that on the bad days, I can remember what it is that makes me feels good so I can go back to feeling good. Especially since starting to read the Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, I've been journaling a lot more.

8. Speaking of which, I want to start drawing. I'm terrible at it, but one time I drew a daisy and it looked good and I felt great. I give up on this goal. I'd like to doodle during class, but I sit in the front row in all of my classes except for French and it just seems a little disrespectful.

9. I want to read more of the classics because those really are the best kind of brain candy and I feel so gratified when I read them. I have been doing this. I finished The Grapes of Wrath and I've been reading different classics that I own. I haven't been able to completely immerse myself in anything because I've been running ragged with school (I recently realized that I have to read about 5 books before the end of the semester). But I've been reading the classics when I do read and that's what counts.

10. I want to avoid going through what I went through today, where I felt threatened by the conversation I was a part of, my shoulders drooped and I started gazing out the window and withdrawing. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent, but when it's 3 against 1 or even more than that against 1, it's so hard not to consent. I want to hold my head up high and look confident, even if I'm just faking it. I want my daughters to be able to see that you can be pretty and smart and respected, especially when you have to wrench that respect away from someone. Because goddammit! I am not some cheap piece of ass. I think I have this one taken care of.

I need to take goals 11 and 12 from my list. I had to drop out of RCIA because I'm taking a class on Wednesday nights in the spring. But I fully intend on joining an RCIA class next fall and going through with it. I'd like to start going to mass more often, even in Tulsa.

One last little update...I've decided that I don't want to go to law school. Going about $100,000 into debt, working for a few years, and then quitting for about 20 when I have kids just doesn't seem like a good idea. I've decided that I'm going to grad school to pursue a masters in public history and museum studies. I don't know where I'm going to go, but that's what I'm doing. And now my mom is taking away my year off because I have a direction and she doesn't want to go through the hassle of taking me off the insurance and having me put back on. Whatever.

So, that's about all that's been going on with me.

Fall Goals Update

2009-11-03T18:50:00.002-06:00

Here's a quick update on my fall goals:

1. I want to finish reading Anna Karenina by 11:59pm on my 22nd birthday. I finished! I finished! I finished!

2. I want to have a very decent, nearly final draft of my thesis typed by the end of Thanksgiving Break, thus giving me 10 days to proof it and make minor changes. Well, I changed my topic so I had to start at square one. But I am doing amazingly! I turned in a 10 page draft on Monday. I know what sources I still need to get. And it's not taking me that long to read through things and type. Hopefully the way I'm telling the "story" works for a history thesis.

3. I want to dance for an hour at least 4 days a week. I haven't been doing this 4 times a week. But I do it when I can and I enjoy it. I wish I could listen to this music all the time. I'm having so much fun with this!

4. I want to take more pictures of people that have meant something to me in college because I find it almost ridiculous that these people who mean so much to me are people my parents don't even know. Nope.

5. I want to have my weekends be free for fun, which will mean doing a bit more work and a bit less slacking during the weekdays. Nada.

6. I want to go into class prepared for what we will discuss. I've pretty much given up on reading the story in French before class, but I'll read it in English before the test and get an 88%, so I'm perfectly fine with this. As for American Lit, I usually show up prepared just because we might have a pop quiz.

7. I want to journal more often, even if it's creatively through photographs and drawings, or poems and quotes that stick out to me. I want to write about the good days as well as the bad so that on the bad days, I can remember what it is that makes me feels good so I can go back to feeling good. I have been journaling more.

8. Speaking of which, I want to start drawing. I'm terrible at it, but one time I drew a daisy and it looked good and I felt great. I've not been doing this. I don't like doodling during class because obviously I'm not paying attention. And I just don't have time to sit and draw when I'm not in class. Then there's the "I suck at drawing" factor.

9. I want to read more of the classics because those really are the best kind of brain candy and I feel so gratified when I read them. Oh yeah! I finished Anna K today and I'm going to pick up The Grapes of Wrath because I only have 175 pages left and I found a good long list that has a ton of classics and other things I already own, so I'm going to work from that list.

10. I want to avoid going through what I went through today, where I felt threatened by the conversation I was a part of, my shoulders drooped and I started gazing out the window and withdrawing. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent, but when it's 3 against 1 or even more than that against 1, it's so hard not to consent. I want to hold my head up high and look confident, even if I'm just faking it. I want my daughters to be able to see that you can be pretty and smart and respected, especially when you have to wrench that respect away from someone. Because goddammit! I am not some cheap piece of ass. Yep!

11. I want to stay on top of the reading with my RCIA class on Wednesday nights. I've only missed one class so far. And I'm missing tomorrow night. My mom started to get on to me about hopefully God will understand, but I informed her that baseball is obviously God's favorite sport due to the length of its season.

12. I want to start going to mass each week because it's good to go to church and I want to show my mom that I'm serious about joining the Catholic Church. I haven't been doing this. I need to start.

Sorry

2009-10-20T07:11:00.002-05:00

I want to apologize really quickly if yesterday's post upset anyone. I know that you all care and are supportive, otherwise you probably wouldn't read my blog or comment. And I appreciate all of you. But this was a huge blow and I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to look at the future and all of the good things to come. I know that this next year and a half will be challenging, but good. I'll have a lot of chances to think about what I really, really, really want to do. And I'll have a lot of chances to make that come to pass.

That said...some of you who said "Go Yankees" yesterday obviously didn't really mean it. We lost. So, let's really mean it next time. Thanks. ;-)

And I want to update you really quickly on the new classroom situation. I got there nice and early. Then that one guy that stares at me came in and sat down one chair over from me (not ideal, but as long as no one sits between us, he has every opportunity to stare; I don't have much opportunity to catch him staring). We chatted a little bit. The nice guy came in and sat across from me and two seats over. He tried to act all buddy buddy, which was annoying. This annoyance was compounded by the fact that I had Anna Karenina open on the table in front of me and he asked what I was doing. Big pet peeve right there. Not only is my reading interrupted when that happens, but obviously the person trying to make conversation with me isn't intelligent.

My friend came in next and sat to my left, so I was able to turn my back to the two guys. After class she informed me that the nice guy was staring at me the entire time. I'm really sensitive about guys staring at me when I don't want them to. Like, it really bothers me. I'm thinking his new nickname might be the creepy guy.

We came up with aliases for these guys. John Lennon's Doppelganger is JD. The nice guy is Steve (my friend kept calling him the 30-year-old virgin, so I thought "Steve Carrell"). And the other guy that stares is Kyle because she doesn't like this guy and she doesn't like Kyles.

Anyway, that's the campus update. Let's go back to life as usual...

Breaking My Silence

2009-10-19T06:52:00.003-05:00

...because I've found that an hour and a half of crying is about all the self-pity I can stand. Truth be told, I bounced back pretty quickly. Friday was spent in a funk, despite my not focusing solely on what happened (Hello! The Yankees were on TV! So I had better things to do Friday night) and I was tired. I mean really...Friday...I found out, I cried, I called my mom while still crying, I wrote, then I started watching the game and ate some fairly amazing gooey brownies for supper. They were only "fairly amazing" because the edges got a little overdone, but I never eat the edges anyway, so really they were pretty good.

Saturday, I popped up after sleeping in a couple of hours and put on my thinking cap. I've been fine ever since. Why? Because I brushed myself off after an hour and a half, took it easy Friday evening, and then I came up with a workable plan within 17 hours of what happened. And please note that I was only awake for about 7 of those 17 hours.

So here's what we're going to do. I am going to tell you my new plan like Friday never happened. There will be no comments about everything turning out all right or any sort of sympathetic comments. Pity and consolation are not necessary or even desired at this point; I am beyond happy with this plan and you will be too. (Or else) And, like I said, the time for self-pity and sadness is over. If you want to say anything, say "Good plan" or comment on how well the Yankees have done or ask me how Anna Karenina is going. Or you could say something along the lines of "Damn! I hate how my mom is always right too! Someday you will be sooooo right and she'll be totally wrong."

Saturday morning I started thinking about taking the test again. The next offering is December 5, which is the Saturday before finals. If I plan on taking it then, I'll either ignore my schoolwork to study or I'll ignore studying to do my schoolwork. Neither of those is very good. I could take it again in February or June, but I'd still have to sit out next year and I'd have the whole schoolwork vs. studying issue. After I graduate and go to Athens, I am going to get a job. A real job. At a library or a newspaper or a law firm or something; it probably won't be fantastic, but it will beat working in a restaurant. (I'll have to pay taxes and pay into social security, which pisses me off because social security is not going to be around by the time I can collect; it probably won't be around so my parents can collect. Furthermore, it really wasn't even designed for my grandparents to be able to collect. It was just a "let's get things started" temporary plan. And, beyond all of that, I think people should cover their own asses, but that's just me and my Republican upbringing)

I'll live with my parents or maybe my grandparents. I don't know. It will depend on where I can get a job. Then I will study, study, study and take the test again in September/October.

There are some benefits to this. I will be able to study without sacrificing my regular studies. I will get some real work experience. I will have the opportunity to visit a couple of different law schools. I can think about things and make the best decision, which may not even be law school after all. And, most importantly to me, I can get some reading done before I go to law school/become a lawyer/have kids/have no friggen life of my own. But we're not going to tell my parents that, are we? No, we are not.

There are a couple of negatives. I won't be covered on my parents' insurance because I won't be a full-time student. But my mom said they'll pay for whatever insurance we'll get me because that will still be cheaper than paying rent/bills/tuition. I'll have to tell my English professors that I'm not going immediately and why. I'll have to tell my history professor and honors college adviser also (because they said they'd write my rec letters), but I'm less worried about what they're going to say.

And here's the part about my mom. This is what she told me I should do originally. One of these days, I am going to be right about some that's really big and really important and she's going to be wrong. I just hope it's something really obvious and not something like "See? I told you he wouldn't be a failure when I married him." No, my friends, I want it to be something big and loud and wearing a pink fuzzy hat. Is it so bad that this might be my new lifelong dream? (Well, that and guest-starring on the Simpsons)

On Sunday, my dad's mom and stepdad came to visit and take me out to lunch. And they brought presents! They brought me framed copies of Life magazine. The one from 1956 has Mickey Mantle on the cover and the one from 1961 has Mantle and Roger Maris. Now I can have a wall of Yankees stuff! Because I already have that framed puzzle of old Yankees Stadium.

It's Monday. And there's a wind advisory for today, which is a total and complete bummer (I'd planned on wearing my hair down). We're moving senior thesis class into another room and I have plans to avoid sitting near John Lennon's Doppelganger and the nice guy. Because I couldn't resist, I started reading a Jackie Kennedy biography yesterday. (I'm telling you, all the best people were born 6 weeks late: Jackie, me. That right there is enough to make this the most exclusively cool list of people. [Hehe]) I'm having pancakes for breakfast because it's Monday and I'm going home on Thursday to work Oktoberfest (which means my dad can get the leftovers before they ruin). And I might go to Starbucks this morning because I love a good black and white mocha.

To recap: What are we not going to do? We're NOT going to leave comments that have anything to do with Friday's post. We're going to pretend like Friday never happened and I came up with this brilliant plan all on my own. The time for self-pity really kind of ended before I even wrote the post telling you guys. We're not looking back (unless you could somehow pin all of this on one of my ex boyfriends in their trials for crimes against humanity, aka Me). And we're not going to tell my parents that the biggest benefit for sitting out a year is the extra reading time. But we ARE going to root for the Yankees to take it all because, at heart, everyone really does want them to win. And we're all going to go to our own Starbucks(es?) and buy a black and white mocha because it's really, really, really good.

Because I only want to say this once...

2009-10-17T08:12:00.003-05:00

...and not hear about it again, I decided to do this this way. If you'll notice, I disabled comments because I just don't want to hear it. Not right now anyway; maybe later, but probably not. So, let me just say this and that will be the end of it:

I failed the LSAT. I got a 149 out of 180, which yeah, it's not a bad score. But I needed a 155 to get into the schools I wanted to go to. And it also said I was in the 40th percentile, which is very low in and of itself. I could take it again, but I don't think I want to. Right now, I'd like to take this as a sign and come up with a new plan. My mom has other ideas, but she and I can argue about those later. And who knows? Maybe I'll feel better and change my mind.

Two things really get me about it. The first is that everyone knows that I took it, which means everyone is going to ask about it and everyone is going to find out that I failed. My mom's idea of saying, "I want to take it again so I can get more scholarship money" is stupid because most of the people I'll tell that to will see right through it. I had to tell my mom. I am telling you guys. And I'm going to have to tell my professors who were going to write recommendation letters. Then there are all of the secondary people to whom my mom, dad, grandparents, etc have told that I'm going to be a lawyer. Since my mom has a problem keeping her mouth shut, I don't think I'll have to tell my family; I mean, within an hour and a half, she told my dad, who was at work. And he wasn't going to say anything about it until I told him; then he admitted that he knew. (Sometimes it's easy to forget how nice my dad is)

The second thing that really gets me about this is all of those people who didn't think I could do anything important with my life, all of those people who thought I was just a dumb blonde with a nice face and an OK figure. I know. I don't have to let them be right. But this was such a big mental blow that I don't know if I could pass the LSAT even if I wanted to.

There are other secondary problems such as not having another plan, not wanting to be a teacher, and graduating in a few months with two of the most useless degrees known to God and man for anyone who doesn't want to be a teacher. I feel that I worked too hard up until I graduated high school to settle. Then again, that does say "high school," not "college," which lets you know that I don't think I worked very hard in college. I settled and went somewhere I never even wanted to apply all because my boyfriend who was two years younger than me (and really didn't know shit about anything!) told me he'd break up with me if I went to the better private school where I had a lot of scholarships. (And yes, it's very frustrating to be able to pinpoint where I blew it)

Anyway, so now you know. And...yeah. Don't be surprised if I'm kinda not all there for a while. I'll feel better when my life has direction again.

Mondays

2009-10-12T21:06:00.002-05:00

I hate Mondays. Really, I do. Generally, whenever I write my weekly "I hate Mondays" Twitter update, I imagine myself saying "Hello, Monday" just like Jerry said "Hello, Newman." Why all of the animosity towards Mondays? I don't know; maybe I read too many Garfield comic strips when I was a kid.

But for all of that enmity I feel towards Mondays, I've gotten the weight of the world off of my shoulders on the past two Mondays. Last week I told the nice guy I didn't want to go out with him. This week I switched my thesis topic. As much as I still love Bonnie and Clyde, I kept hitting dead-ends with them. I mean, they themselves believed that they would die at the hands of the law, so it was really difficult to prove that they didn't have it coming. But I settled on something truly remarkable. I'm going to write my thesis on why the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is the most divisive in sports history. I'll look at the origins of the rivalry and I'll look at some of the more violent episodes in the rivalry. It will be great. And if I wind up going to grad school, I can do my dissertation on the history of the Yankees and the rivalry chapter will be, obviously, very important to that history. Yay me.

I enroll for my last semester of classes on Wednesday. I can't believe it!

I've been thinking about Jack Kerouac lately. I couldn't really tell you why he's been on my mind. But I've been wanting to read Dharma Bums, which I heard is better than On the Road, which I read about half of before I let some jerk-face now ex-friend of mine who drops titles and is a total book snob tell me it wasn't worth reading and then I stopped reading it. For all that I am interested in what he did, driving across the country, I couldn't do it. Long car rides are not for me. At least I don't think they are...Hmmm...Maybe after law school, before I get a real job, I can do a road trip...

I feel like I was in fine form during Eastern Civ today. I was exhausted. And I had my usual 3 cups of coffee. But because I was so exhausted, I went to Starbucks and bought a venti black and white mocha (which was Heaven!) before class. I just nearly had a fit from laughing. I couldn't keep a straight face. And looking over at my friend next to me really didn't help.

Senior Thesis Class...The nice guy wasn't there. I don't know if he skipped because of me. But since I'll never find out for sure, I'm just going to pretend like he did and that I'm more mature, so I win. ;-P

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love with a group of friends. Someone said something in discussion and I came up with some profound statement, but I needed a quote from a post I had written on my blog. I didn't know when I wrote it, so I looked through the archives from the beginning. I read and I read and I read. I wrote quite a bit this summer...especially in June, when I wrote 28 times in 30 days. That was the month where I had work and an online class and night class and my cousin to ferry around. Impressive! Anyway, so by the time I found the quote, the profound statement was gone and I was disappointed. However, in reading my archives, I'm rather impressed with how much I've grown up since April.

This is usually the time of year when I get really depressed about my birthday. Very few of my birthdays have actually categorically sucked, but still I usually dread them. Right now, instead of being filled with dread, I'm just pleased as punch with how I evolved this year.

Closer to my birthday, I will give you a (very boring for you) run-down of the amazing things I've done this year. OK, here's a teaser, I stuck it to my ex boyfriend this weekend! He texted me and I ignored it. Never would have thought that I'd be "strong" enough to do that anytime soon. (He texted me to tell me his cat died. I liked this cat; she'd play with my hair and it was great until she would sink her teeth into my scalp, but even then I'd shake her off and she get back to playing with my hair. I was surprised he would do that. I mean, I wouldn't even tell this guy if I was getting married. I ignored his text and I was outraged that he feels he has the right to text me whenever he can't deal with his reality. He made his choice, you know? Anyway, I realized that it was far more graceful to just ignore him and save me and him from bad things [because bad things happen when he's in my life] than to be permissive and an enabler and engage him in conversation.)

All Sorts of Updates

2009-10-07T13:37:00.002-05:00

I'll update you on the guy situation. I chickened out. Sort of. But let me pick up the situation starting on Saturday evening. He sent me a text asking how I was Saturday evening, kind of with the insinuation that we'd have a long talk. I made up some excuse about a friend with a problem and I needed to go stay the night with her, so I couldn't talk. He said he'd call on Sunday. I planned on either saying that I was still with my friend or writing essays in the event that he called on Sunday. But he didn't call (thank God). On Monday, I didn't go into class early like I usually do so that I wouldn't have to sit next to him for however long. I hid in the bathroom for a while. I was going to go into class late, with the hope that someone else would take the seat next to him and oops! I had to sit elsewhere. But I wound up going into class about 10 minutes before it started. I made small talk about my friend. I really just wanted him to shut the hell up and let me read the reading that we were going to discuss, but apparently it wasn't obvious that I hadn't read it. And I told him that I needed to talk to the professor after class because I was too afraid to do it face to face and everyone said it would be fine to do it over the phone. So, I was on edge all class and really not paying attention and started doodling in my notebook and tried to catch the one guy looking at me (it makes me feel oh so pretty when I catch him).

After class, I figured I'd have a few hours, if not until Tuesday, before I'd have to talk to him. But no. He sent me a text at about 3:00 asking if I was all right because I seemed like I had a lot on my mind. I stalled. I texted a bunch of people about it. I was a pain in the ass. I'm grown up enough to admit it. (And I really appreciate everyone who indulged me) Eventually, I called him. I went to check my mail and I told him I had just a minute (you know, to make it seem like I needed to get back into my friend's house, but had stepped outside for a minute to address this). I said it and he said, "Well, sheeit." I cringed and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision. I mean, really, reminding me of my redneck huge, horrible mistake (but really, what guy have I dated hasn't been a huge, horrible mistake?) of an ex boyfriend is definitely not the best way to score points with me. Then he asked me questions about did he come on too strong, what happened because I seemed interested, and stuff like that. He wasn't getting off the phone, so finally I said, "Yeah, I need to go." He'll have until Monday to calm down. I'm not sure whether I should sit in a different spot on Monday or what. But I'll deal with that later.

Here's a quick update on my fall goals:

1. I want to finish reading Anna Karenina by 11:59pm on my 22nd birthday. I haven't made a lot of progress with this yet, but I think this is going to be the book I carry around in my purse. It's really important that I finish.

2. I want to have a very decent, nearly final draft of my thesis typed by the end of Thanksgiving Break, thus giving me 10 days to proof it and make minor changes. I have looked through about 200 pages of FBI files. I'm reading my second Bonnie and Clyde biography and really enjoying it. But I'm thinking I might need to change my focus. I'm just not finding the documents that I need to prove that the Texas Rangers overreacted and unnecessarily murdered Bonnie and Clyde. We'll see.

3. I want to dance for an hour at least 4 days a week. I don't think I've been doing this 4 times a week. But I do it as often as I can. I found an online radio station playing the music I'm really into right now (50s and 60s stuff). So I dance throughout the day. I think the important thing is that I'm losing weight and am fitting into the clothes I really like wearing.

4. I want to take more pictures of people that have meant something to me in college because I find it almost ridiculous that these people who mean so much to me are people my parents don't even know. I've definitely not been doing this!

5. I want to have my weekends be free for fun, which will mean doing a bit more work and a bit less slacking during the weekdays. I have been taking it easier on the weekends, but I haven't done as much as I've been doing just the bare minimum during the week to get through class and that bothers me. I still need improvement in this area.

6. I want to go into class prepared for what we will discuss. I do fine with this in my history classes. I usually do this in my American Literature class. Whenever I do this for French, it doesn't make a lick of difference. In fact, I find that I have an easier time if I don't read and she explains it to me. Of course, I don't go back to reinforce what I was taught.

7. I want to journal more often, even if it's creatively through photographs and drawings, or poems and quotes that stick out to me. I want to write about the good days as well as the bad so that on the bad days, I can remember what it is that makes me feels good so I can go back to feeling good. Eh, I haven't been doing spectacularly with this. But my big hope is that when I get settled in and read Eat Pray Love, I'll start journaling more.

8. Speaking of which, I want to start drawing. I'm terrible at it, but one time I drew a daisy and it looked good and I felt great. I doodled in class on Monday because I was nervous and antsy and nice guy was there. I felt like I was being watched and not just by the cute immature guy from across the room. (But when I caught him looking at me, that made me feel better; when he wasn't, I felt hunted...probably by the nice guy)

9. I want to read more of the classics because those really are the best kind of brain candy and I feel so gratified when I read them. I've been doing this. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

10. I want to avoid going through what I went through today, where I felt threatened by the conversation I was a part of, my shoulders drooped and I started gazing out the window and withdrawing. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent, but when it's 3 against 1 or even more than that against 1, it's so hard not to consent. I want to hold my head up high and look confident, even if I'm just faking it. I want my daughters to be able to see that you can be pretty and smart and respected, especially when you have to wrench that respect away from someone. Because goddammit! I am not some cheap piece of ass. I have been doing really well at this. I'm feeling pretty confident and great right now. I haven't exactly been ganged up on in a while. But I think I had to cultivate my confidence before I can be tested on this. Now that it's pretty well cultivated, I will probably be tested soon.

11. I want to stay on top of the reading with my RCIA class on Wednesday nights. I haven't been doing this. I'm really kind of bored with the class right now because it's telling me things I already know. Right now they're going over really basic things for anyone who hasn't ever regularly gone to church and don't know anything about anything. I think that we'll start getting into uniquely Catholic things in a couple of weeks.

12. I want to start going to mass each week because it's good to go to church and I want to show my mom that I'm serious about joining the Catholic Church. I do this when I'm not in Tulsa. Although, I really do need to find a church there that I like because if I go to TU and I join the Church, it's going to be expected that I go to mass on Sundays.