I know it's no surprise to y'all for me to say that I've been in quite a funk lately with my reading. By "lately," I could really include the past few years, but I really mean the past couple of months. I've been really restless and listless with my reading. I haven't finished much of what I've started (understatement) and I haven't felt like I've been doing a good read of the books that I do read. Kind of going in one eye and out the other. I'd race through a book at manic speed, then immediately forget everything I just read.
This past week or so, it really became more of an existential crisis for me. Reading and books are so much a part of who I am. I have other interests and activities, of course, but books and reading are such a part of me that I don't really know what I'd do without them. And yet I was kind of living without them because I wasn't really soaking anything in. As anyone who really spoke to me lately knows, it's been eating me alive.
After a bit of journaling, though not as much as I would have thought, I realized where and how I had gotten away from myself. I started reading for the wrong reason--to imitate those I admire--instead of reading for myself. I bought the books they mentioned because if I read the books, then maybe I would be cool like those people. Except it became a vicious cycle of buying and starting and stopping and starting and buying and stopping. I was miserable and no closer to being like any of the people I admired than before. I essentially became the little sister that never felt like I quite measured up (at least, I think that's what happens with little sisters; I'm an only child, so I'm just grasping).
I've had several conversations with close friends in the past few days about reading and how to read and what to read and why to read and why to write about it and how to write about it. I've developed some bookish truths for myself...
I like to read with a pen in hand to underline, bracket, and comment on the action because this makes me feel like I am really interacting with the book. I like to read books with strong and interesting characters. I like to read books that have beautiful uses of language, that are engaging, and that draw me in. I like to read books that broaden my horizons by taking me somewhere new, but I have to be able to relate to the character and their situation. I like to read books that make me think and pay attention, but not ones that make me constantly look up the endnotes so I know what they're talking about (as a result, satires of cultures I'm not really familiar with--such as 19th century Britain--lose me quickly). I don't have to like all of the classics on my "list." I don't have to finish any book if I really don't like it. I don't like stories about women who are sheep or who are snakes (most of the female characters I actually like operate outside of men and family; those elements may be present and important to the story, but the real focus is on her development). I don't like stories where the author enters the text too much, either directly or by being overly moralistic (maybe this is why I struggle with the Victorians). I like a mixture of books--mostly the classics, but also biographies, cultural histories, and thrillers. I really think I like the Modernists and will probably always struggle with the Victorians. I have a hard time with British literature in general, except for the Modernists and John Donne. I'm also not so good with short stories or with poetry, though I really wish I were because that would open up so many new worlds for me. I have to actually care about the character I am reading about--either I'm interested in them or I like them. Lastly, I think you have to be "ready" to read a book--if it's not the right time, the experience won't be as good.
As far as writing about what I've read...I really prefer to write about my reaction to the book--what I felt, what I thought about, what I liked, what I didn't--as opposed to trying to decipher the meaning or analyze what the author was doing. Why? Because I think reading is more about me and how the literature affected me than it is about reading the book through a lens of interpretation (not that I'm an "anything goes" person; there are some wrong ways to look at a book. Do I like to know about the historical background of the author and their times? Absolutely. I think it's extremely important. Historical context is about as far down the interpretation path as I am willing to go. I think the books I like to read aren't done saying what they have to say; they're still speaking to us today. Or maybe the books I have really liked were ones I was able to relate to and that was why I liked them. I think history probably plays a part too--I struggle with 19th century books because that's not my area, but I rock 20th century books because that is my area; I don't do so hot with British literature, but I do quite well with American and French literature.
Does all of that mean that some things may go over my head? Yeah. But I'm OK with that to a certain, inexplicable extent. Am I likely to miss out on some great reads? Perhaps...but I think if I am meant to read a book, I'll get around to it eventually.
I started wanting to read the classics when I started watching Gilmore Girls and immediately identified with Rory's love of reading. Though personality-wise, I always have felt more like Lorelai, Rory's reading habits were me to a T. She was so smart and had read so many wonderful books! I just had to read them all. OK. Maybe not all of them--there are some I'm just not interested in reading--but a good number of them I legitimately want to read and have wanted to read for about ten years (holy cow; that's a long time and I feel old). I admire the people who are working through the Gilmore reading list; I think it's a great project and a fun way to connect with the show, but it's just not for me (see two paragraphs below).
I realized that I missed that attitude or way of life or whatever. I missed reading for the sake of reading, not for the sake of talking about it. Naturally, that got me to thinking about my habits--reading and buying. I was doing both for outside reasons, not because of something in me. I don't want to stop talking about books on my blog. The blog is a kind of scrapbook of my thoughts and interests. To take away books from that mix would be to take away a large part of myself. I actually want to talk about books more. But I want to change the way I talk about them. Like other bloggers I adore, I want this to be more of a reading journal as I journey through my book list.
I like lists. I like plans. I like making lists of books and plans for reading. But I am not very good with them. At all. It seems like as soon as a reading event I signed up for begins, I want to read anything but. I've known this about myself for a few years now, ever since I joined Goodreads. I was never able to join in the book of the month discussion. I never did well at reading challenges. I never did well at theme reads, even if the choice of what to read was up to me. It felt limiting...like reading for reasons outside of myself. So I had to rebel because reading is my great leisure activity...and if I was "supposed" to read something, that took away my leisure activity. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this paragraph has been. I know that I mean it to be more than an explanation of why I haven't been participating in the events I was so excited about. I guess, maybe, this is supposed to explain that I read to my moods and if reading feels like an obligation, then I don't want to do it. And I think that's OK.
If you've read this far, thanks. I feel a lot better having figured this out for myself and I think I'll feel better once I hit "publish." I'll feel better once I pick up a book (not sure which one; I kind of want Jane Eyre, but at this point I think there is too much lingering "reading it to talk about it" for it to be the right time). I still have quite a bit to figure out for myself. But I wanted to break silence, talk about it, and let you know where I stand. Things will be a-changing, in terms of my posts and in terms of the pages that you see detailing my reading projects.
This past week or so, it really became more of an existential crisis for me. Reading and books are so much a part of who I am. I have other interests and activities, of course, but books and reading are such a part of me that I don't really know what I'd do without them. And yet I was kind of living without them because I wasn't really soaking anything in. As anyone who really spoke to me lately knows, it's been eating me alive.
After a bit of journaling, though not as much as I would have thought, I realized where and how I had gotten away from myself. I started reading for the wrong reason--to imitate those I admire--instead of reading for myself. I bought the books they mentioned because if I read the books, then maybe I would be cool like those people. Except it became a vicious cycle of buying and starting and stopping and starting and buying and stopping. I was miserable and no closer to being like any of the people I admired than before. I essentially became the little sister that never felt like I quite measured up (at least, I think that's what happens with little sisters; I'm an only child, so I'm just grasping).
I've had several conversations with close friends in the past few days about reading and how to read and what to read and why to read and why to write about it and how to write about it. I've developed some bookish truths for myself...
I like to read with a pen in hand to underline, bracket, and comment on the action because this makes me feel like I am really interacting with the book. I like to read books with strong and interesting characters. I like to read books that have beautiful uses of language, that are engaging, and that draw me in. I like to read books that broaden my horizons by taking me somewhere new, but I have to be able to relate to the character and their situation. I like to read books that make me think and pay attention, but not ones that make me constantly look up the endnotes so I know what they're talking about (as a result, satires of cultures I'm not really familiar with--such as 19th century Britain--lose me quickly). I don't have to like all of the classics on my "list." I don't have to finish any book if I really don't like it. I don't like stories about women who are sheep or who are snakes (most of the female characters I actually like operate outside of men and family; those elements may be present and important to the story, but the real focus is on her development). I don't like stories where the author enters the text too much, either directly or by being overly moralistic (maybe this is why I struggle with the Victorians). I like a mixture of books--mostly the classics, but also biographies, cultural histories, and thrillers. I really think I like the Modernists and will probably always struggle with the Victorians. I have a hard time with British literature in general, except for the Modernists and John Donne. I'm also not so good with short stories or with poetry, though I really wish I were because that would open up so many new worlds for me. I have to actually care about the character I am reading about--either I'm interested in them or I like them. Lastly, I think you have to be "ready" to read a book--if it's not the right time, the experience won't be as good.
As far as writing about what I've read...I really prefer to write about my reaction to the book--what I felt, what I thought about, what I liked, what I didn't--as opposed to trying to decipher the meaning or analyze what the author was doing. Why? Because I think reading is more about me and how the literature affected me than it is about reading the book through a lens of interpretation (not that I'm an "anything goes" person; there are some wrong ways to look at a book. Do I like to know about the historical background of the author and their times? Absolutely. I think it's extremely important. Historical context is about as far down the interpretation path as I am willing to go. I think the books I like to read aren't done saying what they have to say; they're still speaking to us today. Or maybe the books I have really liked were ones I was able to relate to and that was why I liked them. I think history probably plays a part too--I struggle with 19th century books because that's not my area, but I rock 20th century books because that is my area; I don't do so hot with British literature, but I do quite well with American and French literature.
Does all of that mean that some things may go over my head? Yeah. But I'm OK with that to a certain, inexplicable extent. Am I likely to miss out on some great reads? Perhaps...but I think if I am meant to read a book, I'll get around to it eventually.
I started wanting to read the classics when I started watching Gilmore Girls and immediately identified with Rory's love of reading. Though personality-wise, I always have felt more like Lorelai, Rory's reading habits were me to a T. She was so smart and had read so many wonderful books! I just had to read them all. OK. Maybe not all of them--there are some I'm just not interested in reading--but a good number of them I legitimately want to read and have wanted to read for about ten years (holy cow; that's a long time and I feel old). I admire the people who are working through the Gilmore reading list; I think it's a great project and a fun way to connect with the show, but it's just not for me (see two paragraphs below).
I realized that I missed that attitude or way of life or whatever. I missed reading for the sake of reading, not for the sake of talking about it. Naturally, that got me to thinking about my habits--reading and buying. I was doing both for outside reasons, not because of something in me. I don't want to stop talking about books on my blog. The blog is a kind of scrapbook of my thoughts and interests. To take away books from that mix would be to take away a large part of myself. I actually want to talk about books more. But I want to change the way I talk about them. Like other bloggers I adore, I want this to be more of a reading journal as I journey through my book list.
I like lists. I like plans. I like making lists of books and plans for reading. But I am not very good with them. At all. It seems like as soon as a reading event I signed up for begins, I want to read anything but. I've known this about myself for a few years now, ever since I joined Goodreads. I was never able to join in the book of the month discussion. I never did well at reading challenges. I never did well at theme reads, even if the choice of what to read was up to me. It felt limiting...like reading for reasons outside of myself. So I had to rebel because reading is my great leisure activity...and if I was "supposed" to read something, that took away my leisure activity. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this paragraph has been. I know that I mean it to be more than an explanation of why I haven't been participating in the events I was so excited about. I guess, maybe, this is supposed to explain that I read to my moods and if reading feels like an obligation, then I don't want to do it. And I think that's OK.
If you've read this far, thanks. I feel a lot better having figured this out for myself and I think I'll feel better once I hit "publish." I'll feel better once I pick up a book (not sure which one; I kind of want Jane Eyre, but at this point I think there is too much lingering "reading it to talk about it" for it to be the right time). I still have quite a bit to figure out for myself. But I wanted to break silence, talk about it, and let you know where I stand. Things will be a-changing, in terms of my posts and in terms of the pages that you see detailing my reading projects.
I'm glad you're finding your place in literature. :)
ReplyDeleteI've been reading these book blogs for a few months now and one common theme between all of them is that the bloggers seem to struggle with the "obiligation" to write, to read certain books, etc. Honestly, it's kept me from starting my own. I've just reviewed a few books for a book site and I know that feeling of "obligation" feeling and it's a pressure I don't want to read with, therfore, my posts are VERY brief. As a reader, I don't want to lose that passion and as much I LOVE all these sites (such beautiful pages I drool over) and want one of my own I'm still holding off. I'd rather have the extra time to read and post on my favorite blogs! Do what you feel is right so you can find that passion again for reading and do it the way YOU need to in order to find it fulfilling again.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so many of these... Glad I'm not the only one who had issues with our "book of the month"! I was always excited when a book I had already read was chosen, because then I could just talk about it and not worry about reading it. Ha. And our Spring/Fall whatever challenges... I tried that once and realized I'd never be able to do it. I hit my best reading streak when I was trying to complete my Goodreads reading challenge. (70 books in a year). The last two months of the year I just read. I picked books I knew I'd enjoy and just started reading. If I didn't like the book, I put it away. I didn't have time for a book that didn't hold my interest. I just went back to it later.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, loved this part of your post "at least, I think that's what happens with little sisters; I'm an only child, so I'm just grasping."
Made me laugh, because that's so me. The only thing I can compare it to is that I have an older cousin. She's two years older and I have ALWAYS been compared to her. No matter what I do, it's always "LOOK AT WHAT YOUR COUSIN HAS ACCOMPLISHED!" Yes, she has a family. Never mind my degree, or the shows I've done, or the other stuff I've done... But that might be just my family. I have no idea what a sibling would be like.
This year I've decided to forgo challenges for the very same reasons you have. Reading is a pleasure and I want it to remain so! Good for you for knowing yourself and for wanting your reading to reflect that :)
ReplyDelete