I spent a few minutes looking through some of the archives for my blog. Haha. I had to laugh. I feel like I've come a long way since I was 22. And I think that's probably a good thing.
Today feels like a big day. Zach's mom and aunt are coming over for lunch. I am cooking lunch. Tortilla soup and sour cream chicken enchiladas. I've made both of these recipes before and they're really easy. I hope I don't screw up. I'm cleaning my apartment within an inch of its life, but I still wish it could be more--cleaner, nicer, better. The roofers hadn't touched my roof for the past two days. Today, they're back with a vengeance. Maybe they'll be at lunch while we're eating instead of stomping around overhead.
I haven't done a great job with keeping up with my resolutions chart. I think that's because I'm still on vacation and feel like life is in a sort of suspended animation. I'm living. But it's more without purpose because that's what vacation should be. (Especially when you know the horrors that await you once vacation ends. No one is going to be able to convince me that my thesis will be the least bit pleasurable. It won't even be pleasurable once I'm done with the thing because I'll be so sick of it that I'm going to want to burn a copy. Maybe in a few years, I can look back on it with fondness.) School and work start again on Monday. I hit the ground running with work on my thesis and my application for library science school.
Sometimes I worry about not being enough. I worry that I don't read well enough. That all of these amazing books that I've bought are just going to go to waste either sitting on my shelves or when I surface read them. I worry that I'm not really cut out for grad school. That they just let me in to take my money. I worry that I don't do well enough at my job. That I'm missing something. I worry that I will wake up and Zach will just be a fantastic dream that I've been having. That someone that good doesn't really exist, at least not in my world. Anyone else go through that?
But then there are moments when I realize that life isn't perfect. I'm not the only person groping around in the dark hoping to find even a lightning bug to see by. Everyone is doing the same thing. No one has it all figured out. Some people are just better actors than others. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel a modicum of adequacy.
I think my overall goal/resolution for 2012 is to live better, be better, do better, read better, cook better, exercise better, write better, be better in my relationship. Basically, the key word is "better." Reading-wise, I want to start off the year with How to Read and Why so that I can read better. Then I want to read War and Peace. I have no idea why I've chosen the most difficult book known to God and man (well, maybe Swann's Way is more difficult), but I just feel drawn to it. I fully plan on taking a long time to read it. And I will probably read other books in the process. But the point is that I'm committing to read War and Peace. By this time next year, I hope for so many things, but I know that I will be able to say, "I have read War and Peace and here's what I thought..."
All right. I've procrastinated long enough. I need to eat a bite of breakfast. I need to clean my shower, toilet, counters, and sinks. I need to vacuum and Swiffer. I need to get dressed, made up, and straighten my hair. Then I need to do the last minute straightening up. And finally start lunch a little after 11:00. I rather wish this were a supper instead of a lunch so I could have a drink and calm down.
Today feels like a big day. Zach's mom and aunt are coming over for lunch. I am cooking lunch. Tortilla soup and sour cream chicken enchiladas. I've made both of these recipes before and they're really easy. I hope I don't screw up. I'm cleaning my apartment within an inch of its life, but I still wish it could be more--cleaner, nicer, better. The roofers hadn't touched my roof for the past two days. Today, they're back with a vengeance. Maybe they'll be at lunch while we're eating instead of stomping around overhead.
I haven't done a great job with keeping up with my resolutions chart. I think that's because I'm still on vacation and feel like life is in a sort of suspended animation. I'm living. But it's more without purpose because that's what vacation should be. (Especially when you know the horrors that await you once vacation ends. No one is going to be able to convince me that my thesis will be the least bit pleasurable. It won't even be pleasurable once I'm done with the thing because I'll be so sick of it that I'm going to want to burn a copy. Maybe in a few years, I can look back on it with fondness.) School and work start again on Monday. I hit the ground running with work on my thesis and my application for library science school.
Sometimes I worry about not being enough. I worry that I don't read well enough. That all of these amazing books that I've bought are just going to go to waste either sitting on my shelves or when I surface read them. I worry that I'm not really cut out for grad school. That they just let me in to take my money. I worry that I don't do well enough at my job. That I'm missing something. I worry that I will wake up and Zach will just be a fantastic dream that I've been having. That someone that good doesn't really exist, at least not in my world. Anyone else go through that?
But then there are moments when I realize that life isn't perfect. I'm not the only person groping around in the dark hoping to find even a lightning bug to see by. Everyone is doing the same thing. No one has it all figured out. Some people are just better actors than others. At least, that's what I tell myself to feel a modicum of adequacy.
I think my overall goal/resolution for 2012 is to live better, be better, do better, read better, cook better, exercise better, write better, be better in my relationship. Basically, the key word is "better." Reading-wise, I want to start off the year with How to Read and Why so that I can read better. Then I want to read War and Peace. I have no idea why I've chosen the most difficult book known to God and man (well, maybe Swann's Way is more difficult), but I just feel drawn to it. I fully plan on taking a long time to read it. And I will probably read other books in the process. But the point is that I'm committing to read War and Peace. By this time next year, I hope for so many things, but I know that I will be able to say, "I have read War and Peace and here's what I thought..."
All right. I've procrastinated long enough. I need to eat a bite of breakfast. I need to clean my shower, toilet, counters, and sinks. I need to vacuum and Swiffer. I need to get dressed, made up, and straighten my hair. Then I need to do the last minute straightening up. And finally start lunch a little after 11:00. I rather wish this were a supper instead of a lunch so I could have a drink and calm down.
War & Peace isn't tough -- just long. :-) Join us when you're ready?
ReplyDeleteI love your realization that "better" is the key word.
I want to read How To Read and Why too, this year.
Hope lunch went well - I'm sure the apartment looked great and the food was delicious. They already love you so you've got that going for you!
ReplyDeleteBetter is good. At the end of the day I think each person's resolution, no matter how it is worded, is to simply be a better person.
ReplyDeleteHow was your lunch? Your menu sounds delicious.
I feel the same way about War and Peace. I've given myself this year to read it. And this time next year I want to say that I've conquered and enjoyed the tome. So far the introduction is interesting.